- When you're from the hood,
the first thing you thinking,
what the fuck is wrong with this white dude?
Why his nuts hanging like that?
(upbeat music)
(lions roars)
(audience cheers)
- Thank you everybody!
So if you don't know, here's what the show is.
It's just a bunch of funny people telling
like 100% true stories.
Ladies and gentlemen,
one of the funniest women I know,
Ms. Pat, everybody!
Keep it going for Ms. Pat! (audience cheers)
- So I went through the Welfare to Work Program
through Bill Clinton.
And I know most of y'all don't know what the fuck
the Welfare to Work Program is,
but it came out of your paycheck
and it helped a bitch out like me.
(audience laughs)
So on this program, I got my GED,
got off parole, and got my very first job
working at McDonald's.
And I'm doing like most people do in my neighborhood
when they get their very first job working at McDonald's.
I'm stealing $100 a day out of the register.
What's wrong? This too real for y'all?
So I steal $100 and I just stole it
and nobody in the McDonald's but me and the co-worker,
so I ease the shit in my pocket.
And I'm just talking
to the coworker 'cause ain't nobody in there.
And I see this fucking black van circle McDonald's.
And you know, when you're from the hood,
you see a black van circle, the first thing you thought,
that either the police or somebody about to shoot yo ass.
So the van circled twice
and then his white guy get out and he come in
and he got this plug in his ear.
And I'm like holy fuck, they done caught me stealing.
I'm going back to jail.
Two seconds later, he look around, he say, "It's clear,
send him in."
Now I tell you, this shit shocked the shit out of me.
In walk President Jimmy Carter.
I don't know his, I know his face, but I don't know his name
and all I'm looking at,
because he got his pants all jacked up
and his nut sack hanging over to the side.
And when you from the hood,
the first thing you be thinking, what the fuck is wrong
with this white dude?
Why his nuts hanging like that?
I didn't know his name, but you know, I was like,
damn, I think I know him.
So he get to the register and I went to take his order
and Secret Service standing there.
And you know, I'm crazy at this time in my life, you know,
I just started, you know, doing drive-bys and selling dope
and, you know, robbing white people,
I'm getting my life back together, white people.
Jimmy Carter get to the register
and I do the most ghetto shit ever.
I look at Jimmy Carter and I said,
"Nigga, where the fuck I know you from?"
(audience laughs)
Secret Service busts out laughing.
I'm standing there with a straight face,
because this nigga look familiar to me.
Jimmy Carter turned pink.
He was like, "Young lady! Young lady!" (laughs)
I'm like, "What the fuck you want to eat, nigga?" You know?
(audience laughs)
So he ordered a cheeseburger, a side salad, and a water.
By this time, the boy on the grill run and was like,
"Patricia! That's the President of the United States!"
I turn around with my ghetto ass,
talking about, "Nigga I told you I know you!"
(audience laughs)
"Your cheeseburger free!"
Now that's my Jimmy Carter story.
(audience cheers)