- Joining me today to dish up some stories
is comedian writer and the amazing Chloe Hilliard.
(audience clapping and cheering)
Yeah, Chloe.
Before being a comic goddess,
you were actually a journalist.
- I was.
I did that for many years,
and then I realized people don't read.
And so I started talking to a microphone and they listen.
- All right, let's get right into the news.
Shall we dive in?
Let's start in the UK where the AP reports,
that five gray parrots
had to be removed from their enclosure at the zoo,
for cursing at visitors.
- Yes.
- Good news.
The naughty parrots weren't kicked out,
but they were just separated,
because when they were together,
they kept egging each other on.
Chloe, (dog barking) what are your thoughts?
- Free the birds, okay.
You need to let them out.
First of all,
the zoo business is not what it once was, right?
And there are a lot of adults who don't have children,
but they would love to go to a zoo
where they can engage with cussin' birds.
- I have to tell you,
this was one of my favorite stories of the week.
Can you just imagine like a boozy, brunch at the zoo,
and you'd get cussed at by birds?
(audience laughs)
- I was goin' to Harpy's!.
- [Chloe] No.
Zoos, call us.
All right, our next story
is something I'm sure we've all noticed.
Chloe, you know how sometimes
like people in longterm relationships start to look alike?
Even celebrities have that, like check out.
I mean, these pictures say it all.
Here's Seth Meyers and Alexi Ashe.
I mean, they look like, you know, well, alike.
Steph and Ayesha Curry.
- [Chloe] Absolutely.
- [Drew] Just beautiful.
Benedict Cumberbatch and Sophie Hunter,
They, yeah.
This one, Dylan Sprouse and Barbara Palvin?
- [Chloe] Creepy.
- [Drew] It's like, it's crazy.
They do look like brother and sister.
Jim Parsons and Todd Spiewak, adorbs.
- [Chloe] Both adorable.
- [Drew] I know.
- [Chloe] Like cousins.
- [Drew] I know, so cute.
Pauletta and Denzel Washington.
- [Chloe] Yes.
- Well, okay.
So Stanford University did a study,
and they say that the idea that couples
start to look alike is really a myth.
That really, Yahoo Life reports
that researchers found that if a couple looks alike,
it's 'cause they started out that way.
- [Chloe] Really?
- Yeah.
And scientists, they call it assorted mating,
and people are often attracted
to people who look like themselves.
I mean, let's see.
- [Chloe] Uh oh.
- What do you think, Chloe?
- What does my future husband gonna look like?
(audience laughs)
I see it, I see it, I feel it.
- I'm like, "You up?"
(laughing)
Okay, what do you think of this?
Just in time for Halloween,
Dwell Magazine says the home of Buffalo Bill,
the skin-wearing psychopath from the "Silence of the Lambs"
could be yours.
Listed as a rare opportunity,
the Queen Anne Victorian from the movie
is listed for $298,500.
And here's some of the photos of the property,
showcasing amazing wood accents,
but curiously, no photos of the basement.
- Hmmm, I think that is a selling point.
We are in a pandemic time.
I want a house with the pre-made bunker.
Show me the basement.
(audience applauds and laughs)
- All right, well this is a weird story.
The BBC reports on a wellness trend
that came from the Dutch countryside,
and it's called (in foreign language),
and it means cow cuddling, because when you cuddle a cow,
it says that it really releases oxytocin,
even more than hugging a dog.
And this is a new phenomenon.
Chloe, thoughts.
- I wonder, does cow dung smell better in Dutchland,
than it does in America?
Because I've smelled poo and I'm not huggin' it.
Cow poo is depleting the ozone.
- I was just gonna say, it's not good for the environment.
Maybe we should hug cows more than eat them.
Hashtag Meatless Monday.
Go hug a cow.
- Hashtag Meatless Monday,
but where do you hug 'em?
Like around the neck?
Is it-
- Yes, around the neck.
- So they want us to choke cows for our benefit.
- Yes, they want us to like,
we're all just supposed to cling to animals right now,
because you know, the world is a tough place.
So listen, you know what?
I think we really just need each other,
and at a six foot distance, of course.
But thank you, Chloe so much for coming on the News.
- Absolutely. - I'm so grateful
that you're here. - Thanks for having me.
- [Drew] It's so fun to play.
- Next time, I'll bring a cow.
(audience laughs)
- I love it!
(laughing)
(rhythmic rock music)