Hey Fearminimalist, it's Sophilia Lark of the fearminimalist.com,
providing trauma recovery tools to help women of color heal the mother wound. So if you feel
perpetually stuck in a toxic relationship with your mother, I'm going to share the real reason
why you're not able to heal the mother wound. So keep watching. For the best trauma recovery tips,
tools, and strategies, be sure to hit that subscribe button and click the notification
bell so that you will always be in the know when I upload a new video every single week.
If this is your first time joining me today, thank you so much for being here today. It's
great to have you. I am also a survivor of mother wound trauma, a licensed professional counselor,
a certified clinical trauma professional, helping women of color, resolve their mother wound trauma
and build resilience. What is the real reason you're not able to heal your mother wound? Well,
the answer lies in your root programming. Now the root programming comes from the messages,
the beliefs, the behaviors, the attitudes that your mother passed down to you through
an insecure attachment style, which trained you to think about yourself in relation to others,
your “self” in relation to yourself, and also yourself in relation to the rest of the world.
And so you see life through a particular lens based on these messages, these beliefs,
and these behaviors and attitudes that have been passed down to you through that attachment system.
And so what happens is that this root programming for you, because you see
the conflict between the truth of what is between you and your mother and the desire,
what I call the illusion of the desired mother. So that root programming creates a counter to
that conflict, that pain that you feel. It is a way for you to try to resolve the mother
truth - that your mother couldn't provide the warmth, the support, and the attention that you
needed to become a fully thriving and independent adult. And so it's this fight against the truth
of what your relationship is with your mother. This root programming is a very intricate
entangled web. And so that creates this emotional cycle that goes around, and around, and around,
and around with these thoughts, these beliefs, these attitudes that now have become your own. So
they're not just what your mother did; it's what she did, and is now what you are doing to survive.
The survival behaviors, you've taken these on, and you have internalized these beliefs
as something that may be true for you or that not necessarily may be, but you've internalized
those as true. Now, this vicious cycle, the emotional cycle that maintains the mother wound,
is going on and on, and on, and on, and on. And breaking that cycle requires an active,
intentional practice of deprogramming the root programming. And so you have to be
able to accept, you have to be able to break that cycle from the pain to the fear,
all the way to blaming yourself for not being able to come up with solutions to get her to see.
Because that's what the illusion of the desired mother is, it’s the attempt, it’s the work to
get her to see how much pain she's caused you. And you created this illusion of what she can be.
And your work is to make her what you created in your mind that she can be. And the fact is that
she can't be it because if she could, she would've already done it. But what the real problem is,
is that, and this is not your problem by the way. But the problem is that because she hasn't
done her own work she can't get there. You are trying to do the work for her. And so accepting
that, that can't be the case and then moving on to self work is the key to healing. So you
break the cycle by saying “She did this to me. I'm not happy about this, but I know I can't
stay stuck here. So what do I need to do to move on?” That's the beginning of breaking the cycle.
And then when you figure out, you start to take steps to figure out what you need to
do. This is called the self work. And you begin to create this environment of safety for your mind,
your spirit, your body, and your relationships. And then you practice taking that safety
in. That's really what healing the mother wound is about, is acceptance and then creating this
environment of safety to take in that safety so that you can become what you need. You can become
your own mother. You no longer need her to be the things that or the person she needs to be and to
give you the things that you need, because now you are in the position to give them to yourself.
And so when I'm working with women one-on-one and some of you have worked with me, so you know what
I'm talking about, we go through this whole, what this emotional cycle actually looks like.
And then we approach it from the point of modifying the mindset around those negative
narratives, so that we can get to the point of understanding what happened. How did this lead
to me believing this? How did it lead to certain feelings and behaviors? Behaviors are what I call
protections and defenses, because in response to those instilled messages, we've developed
survival behaviors, survival tactics. And these are things that have kept us alive. Although
they're probably not very healthy in terms of being in relationship with other people and also
being accepting of ourselves. That's what the work is, is breaking that cycle. Being able to get to
the point of self work where you're creating that safety for yourself and you're practicing taking
that safety in. And that is how you get to the point where you're able to now lay that foundation
to do the work that breaks that emotional cycle. It entails three things,
mindset, communication, and boundaries. When you master those three things,
there is no way that the mother wound works, because you master how you think about,
how you internalize these new beliefs that you have, so the old ones, they lose their potency.
There's nothing that they can do, even though you can remember the things that she did,
they no longer have an effect. And then you're learning to communicate. So when
you're around your mother, and a lot of this depends on how you set boundaries with her.
You may have decided that you want to go no contact. You may have gotten to the point
or you may get to the point where you feel that, okay, it's just not best to be in a relationship
with her. I don't want to talk to her. I don't want to say anything to her because she's crazy.
And because she's not done her own work and she's probably not ever going to do her own work,
this is not going to be healthy for me moving forward, especially if you decide to have kids.
And so, depending on the kind of boundaries that you set with your mother, if you continue to have
some type of relationship with her, you're going to have to learn how to communicate in a way that
I call creating a K.I.S.S.N. list, which means keep it short and simple and non-defensive. That's
what that means. So communicating with her in a non-defensive way is going to keep her at bay from
dragging you into her stuff. And it's frustrating you, and it's triggering you, and it's putting
you right back into that emotional cycle. Because when you get in that cycle, it's hard to get out.
And so once you break that cycle and you know what it's like to create the safety for yourself
and practice taking that in, and then you do the work to bolster that, the mindset,
the communication, boundary work, then it becomes much easier not only for you to be in relationship
with your mother, but it also makes it easier for you to be in relationship with anybody else,
because this applies to any type of relationship. Because what you're doing
is creating a secure attachment in healthy relationships. So you've basically repaired
the attachment system. And once you know what that looks like, it's like gold.
You're not giving that up to go back into that emotional cycle that maintains the mother wound.
So that is really the approach, getting to the point to where you accept that she is not capable,
or that she is not willing to change. And the only way she's going to change is if she comes to
the knowledge on her own, that she needs to do her own work. And that is not your problem. So this
illusion of the desired mother then becomes what you need to jettison. You need to throw that away,
because you're doing the work to try to get your mother to do the work, and that's not your job.
And so guys, if this resonates with you, be sure to comment in the comments below
and let me know exactly where you feel you are in this process. Are you still holding on to
that delusion of desired mother? Or are you at the point of acceptance? Are you saying,
listen, I'm not going to take this no more. I know that she's not going to change.
And so what is it that I need to do to get to the next step? Let me know,
because right now I'm offering to work with a few more people. I've got four spots open
to work with other women who want to break this cycle, who are tired and sick and tired, and
they’re saying, “I just need to know what to do. I'm going to do the work. I'm committed to doing
the work.” I've got four spots open for free. There's no charge. There's no strings attached.
These are free sessions. I have people doing it now who can tell you about it. And so if you
are ready to break this emotional cycle and get to the point to where you are living as a thriving,
independent adult who is separate from your mother, because what happens is that your
mother sees you as an extension of herself. She sees you as the person carry on the legacy
of these patterns that she's been taught and that she's passed onto you. And when you try to fight
back against that, when you finally say, I'm sick of this, I'm not doing this anymore. This is what
you did to me. You hurt me. And she starts to say, well, what's your problem. I know you're
not talking to me like that. You don't have a right to challenge me. This or that and the other.
When you are able to use the skills that I teach,
you won't have that problem anymore. And people was like, I won't? Nope. You may not have your
mother anymore either, not physically, but you will have what you've always desired. And it's a
reality, not an illusion. So let me know in the comments below. And hopefully some of you will
take me up on the offer and we can get started. And you will experience a transformation like none
other, because the mother wound is a deep trauma. And when you're able to integrate that trauma
and see the whole picture and see that now I'm in the driver's seat. I no longer have to let this
narrative follow me around. “Well, I can't ever get my mother to see, so there must be something
wrong with me, or I'm just damaged, or I'm never going to live this full life because I don't have
the right kind of mother.” You don't need it. A lot of people don't have the right kind of mother,
and they’ve learned to… First of all, their mindset around that whole
comment has changed. And they realize that I'm an adult. I survived the damage that she did to me.
And I'm actually able to have a much better life without her,
even if I talked to her every once in a while, she is not in the driver's seat. And that's the key.
So now that you know the real reason you're not healing the mother wound.
And if you want to delve into that three-pronged approach that I talked about earlier to help you
disrupt that root programming that keeps you stuck in that emotional cycle, be sure to download my
free trauma, recovery Coaching Primer to help you dismantle that root programming. And you
can click the link below to get that resource. Also, be sure to connect with me on Instagram,
@fearminimalist and Facebook @fearminimalist, where we can carry on the conversation in
more depth about healing the mother wound. All right. And that'll do it for today guys. If
you liked this video, hit the like button below, share with your friends, drop a comment. Let me
know what you took away from this video and what you'd like to see if there is something that I
didn't touch on or that you felt like I needed to elaborate a little bit more on,
be sure to drop a comment below, to let me know. And be sure to hit that subscribe button, click
the notification bell so that you will always know when I upload new content every single week. And
remember that the sun is going to rise and shine bright tomorrow. The question is, are you going
to rise with it and allow your best self to shine? I hope you do. And I will see you next week. Bye.