Today I'm answering a question from a survivor of narcissistic abuse who wants to know can a covert narcissist become an overt one when they
reach middle age?. That's exactly what we're talking about today at QueenBeeing.com.
So let's get started. (Closed captioning provided by Athena Moberg and CPTSDfoundation.org).
My name is Angie Atkinson and on this channel, I offer free, daily video coaching to help you discover, understand and overcome
narcissistic abuse and toxic relationships. I like to call it toxic relationship rehab.
So if that sounds good to you hit that subscribe button and let's get going. before we
Before we begin, let's go ahead and define a covert narcissist as opposed to a more overt one so that we understand what we're dealing with.
A covert narcissist is different from their more overt counterparts in that they aren't so blatantly open with their
self-centeredness. Your standard out-there narcissist, the grandiose type, they tend to be aggressive,
self-important, they exploit people and they often have extreme delusions of grandeur and extreme need for attention.
More covert narcissists on the other hand, they seem to sort of masquerade as introverts,
like they're seemingly shy and prone to feelings of neglect or loneliness. They seem to be hyper sensitive.
They're riddled by anxiety and in direct contrast to the overt narcissist, they suffer from delusions of persecution.
So the question remains is it possible for a covert
narcissist to become a more overt one later in life?.
If we're talking about the covert narcissist, the way that they got attention before was very often in the form of
making people feel bad and guilting people into doing things for them or martyring themselves
so people would feel the need to help them. So there are a few important things to remember here about the covert
narcissist. The first thing being that a covert narcissist will sometimes actually become overtly
narcissistic in any close relationship, because their source of supply,their source of narcissistic supply -
it's usually someone they feel more comfortable with, so they will tend to go more overt,
they will ignore them, devalue them, dismiss them and quite often throw a lot of blame their way and so while most covert
narcissists will kind of maintain their rather introverted seeming exterior when we're talking about people outside of their circle of
narcissistic why or their inner circle, they will very often
gaslight, give the silent treatment, do double-talk or use double bind
manipulation in order to control those people that are closest to them.Whether a narcissist is covert or overt, they are truly
pathologically, unlikely to be involved in real intimacy or any sort of true reciprocity in a relationship.
Even when they do act romantic or compliment you or express emotion for you or be kind or compassionate,
it's always an attempt to manipulate you in some way or to sort of disarm you so that you can share information
that they can later use as ammunition against you in an argument. Even though most covert narcissists are really shy, really introverted,
the truth is that behind closed doors, most covert narcissists are very similar to overt at narcissists when it comes to their inner circle.
So essentially the covert narcissist in most cases is only as covert as they need to be in those situations.
Sometimes when you meet a narcissist, they're going through depression or that there are collapsed narcissists,
but when they get into the relationship they tend to become more overt.
The truth is that a narcissist is a narcissist, is a narcissist, regardless of the type of
narcissist; covert or overt doesn't matter. In all cases, they are master manipulators.
They will use any tactic they can think of in order to get what they want.
They're equally bad, equally destructive in most cases. Of course, they're on a spectrum
but the main thing to concern yourself with is whether or not you're being
abused by one. Interestingly enough, coverts in general become less covert in familiar environments and
overt narcissists by contrast will become less overt when in unfamiliar environments.
So basically most narcissists can be some combination of both covert or overt, depending on the circumstances.
So one who is more covert than overt could be characterized as covert,
but that doesn't take away the possibility of being overt in some cases.
Sometimes a narcissist loses his or her ability to obtain adequate
sources of
narcissistic supply, this can happen when the
narcissists family and friends have just had enough and one by one
they're slowly abandon the narcissist or in some cases the narcissist who loses their ability to
attract new suplly because they get older, they lose their looks, they become so self-involved that they forget how to do the whole love bombing thing
effectively or any combination of these things and many other things.
This is what we call a collapsed narcissist and knowing what we know about narcissists,
we know that they really do sort of need that supply to keep going don't they, but when a narcissist is unable to obtain
narcissistic supply,
it's a problem and often not just for the narcissist, but also for other people
around the narcissist in their lives. At this point the narcissist lives in a constant
attack mode, attempting to force people around them to provide that much-needed supply - Random people,
Waitresses, the guy at the gas station,
you know, their sons fifth grade teacher, whatever; they are overly sensitive about everything. Full of rage, full of hate and they throw temper tantrums
that would rival those of a two-year-old, although that's a little insulting to the two-year-old,
you know.
They are outright intolerant, disrespectful and often even
violent toward the people around them, in both words and actions.
They previously once maintained a certain facade didn't they, of a nice or a cool or easygoing or friendly or
great person to be around, but as the collapse continues, that mask falls away,
the facade is gone and suddenly you're looking at the true face of a narcissist and it is full of rage and
ugliness, hate, general disgust for everything that is humanity. While they are still unable to deal with any sort of blame,
criticism or perceived disrespect of themselves,
they are actively projecting their own
self hate onto the people around them, in their lives or maybe random targets,
like people of different religions, different races or even different political
affiliations and so in the case of the covert narcissist, it's not that they necessarily become more overt,
but they may need to kind of up their tactic, up their game in order to get more attention.
So instead of maybe giving you the silent treatment when you didn't show up for their birthday party,
they might you know throw themselves on the floor and call 9-1-1 and say they fell because you weren't there for their birthday party,
you see what I'm saying there?. They're gonna kind of go a little more extreme in some cases.
Another thing that happens with covert narcissists is they start to get less good at hiding things
and so you might discover as they get a little older
that they might be cheating on you and you might find out for the first time in 20 years or they're controlling and you
recognize that the controlling behaviors kind of get more extreme.Sometimes you'll notice that when the kids grow up and move out,
that's when it all starts with a covert narcissist.
Suddenly they'll reveal they've had some kind of big secret all these years and suddenly your whole world crumbles around you.
Bottom line, can a covert narcissists become a more overt narcissist with age... in middle age? I would say yes.
Yes, at least in appearance.
They're still gonna be themselves, but they might find themselves needing to be more overt to get the attention that they want.
I hope that helps.
Alright, now this brings me to the question of the day and the question of the day is; Do you know an aging covert
narcissist or a covert narcissist who has gone through a midlife crisis and what was your experience with them?.
Share your thoughts, share your ideas,
share your experiences in the comments section below and let's talk about it.
If you want to learn more about aging narcissus, make sure you take a look at the video
I'm leaving for you right there and it will give you so much more information about this.
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