♪ (upbeat video game music) ♪
- "Totally Accurate Battle Simulator."
That doesn't sound fun!
- "Totally Accurate Battle Simulator."
Is it totally accurate?
- Is it that game where you place the enemies around,
and then they kind of just do their own thing in battle?
- I actually really wanted to play this game.
You'll have to face-off against a different army
and you can choose which type of forces you want to face off,
like how many units you have.
- (FBE) We'll see how many levels you can beat.
You have 30 minutes to play.
- I think I'm gonna do good.
I think I'm gonna do actually pretty good.
- Let's do it!
- Let's do level one.
- We have a grid.
We have peasant, boxer, farmer, barbarian.
- Can I apply as many as I want?
- (FBE) Each troop has a certain cost,
so you can hire as many troops as you can afford
with the money that you get in each level.
- Oh, okay.
- I have 200 money.
I guess these are where the troops are coming from,
the enemy troops,
and I get to place my troops where I want to, over here.
- I kind of don't want to waste my money on peasants,
unless I have money leftover.
- A peasant is just someone that has something worth fighting for,
and also they're very cheap, so I'm just gonna go with 20 peasants.
- I think I'm gonna try ten barbarians.
- How about a boxer because, uh, I've seen Rocky.
I have no idea what I'm doing, but I'm gonna hope for the best.
- Barbarians, boom.
There we go! The Dream Team.
- Let's do it. Play!
(humming cheerfully)
Okay, well, already they look like they can't walk,
so I feel like this isn't gonna end well.
- Wait, which one am I? - (FBE) The red guys.
- The red, okay.
Okay, the armies aren't that big.
- Oh, I think I might be okay.
Although I think I spaced them too close
because I know they can kill each other.
- My gosh, this is violent,
even though it's no blood.
- Ah, okay, wait-- I look like I have a chance.
- Oh, come on, you got it.
Oh, they're killing each other.
Oh my god, no. You cannot lose this.
♪ (victorious fanfare) ♪ - Okay, that was annoyingly too close.
- Wait, I think I can win.
We did it!
- Take 'em out. Dang.
♪ (victorious fanfare) ♪ Victory!
- Yay!
- Okay, okay. All right, we did good.
That's exciting.
- All right, round two!
- Level two.
- So they're gonna have barbarians and farmers.
So I have 800 this time, so that's a little helpful.
- I think a shield would be helpful.
I'm gonna make a block up front with the best people.
- I'm gonna start with the 650 one, keep them right there.
- I'm trying to place them all sort of on a line,
and then, in the back, kind of going into a triangle form,
so I'm going to see if that works.
- Okay, I feel like I have a pretty strong army.
- Okay, the shields are doing good. I like the shield guys.
Oh no, my shield guy is down.
Okay, but here comes the archers and the musket.
- Run 'em over, boy-- you suck.
Yah! Oop, you're attacking the wrong people, boy.
Okay, so, I think we're losing.
- Oh, they're all just dying.
The (stammering) something was a great idea.
- Okay, okay, okay, those guys are still chilling back there.
Better not hit that resort yet.
- Oh no, come on, guys. You can do this.
Ah, shit, they got forks. Yeah, this isn't gonna be good.
♪ (game over music) ♪ I died.
♪ (game over music) ♪
- Well, that's just unfair.
- Oh, I just got slaughtered.
- They didn't have better weapons than us,
but they had a lot more people.
- Oh my gosh.
- Kill them. What are you doing, guys?
Don't just sit there.
♪ (victorious fanfare) ♪ Okay, cool.
Okay, I'm doing good at this.
- Let's try it again.
Want to fight fire... with fire.
- Trying to put a zillion there.
- I'm going to throw as many bodies at them as I can,
kind of like Zapp Brannigan, and then when they're all dead,
I'll still be surviving.
- What if I just unload with farmers?
Let's see how well this goes.
- Hopefully this works.
- Fight!
(men screaming) - But the sound effects though.
They just sound like they're dying.
- Oh, look, all my guys are stuck to each other.
- These pitchforks are comically large.
- So our guys over there are just kind of getting ganged up on,
but, yo, it's cool because they're dead.
Come on.
♪ (victorious fanfare) ♪ Yes!
Fight fire with fire.
- It's kind of an even battle. Like, both of them are dying.
Oh, I won.
- Ooh, see my samurai, my samurai right there.
Good work.
The samurai is still alive.
♪ (victorious fanfare) ♪ I did it.
- Did I win? Ah ha ha ha ha!
That's why you sacrifice as many people as possible.
- That was a lot easier than I made it out to be.
I'm just thinking too much about this.
- They have boxers and poachers.
- The money is different every single time,
so you have to spend your money wisely.
- Barbarians and farmers served me well last time.
Let's see how we do.
- I'm gonna try my luck with farmers again.
- Okay, so let's hope this works.
- This one's so weird.
- Where's the poacher? Oh, there they are.
I might be really boned, actually.
I didn't think they'd have bows and arrows.
- Oh god, we might die. We might die.
We have about four poachers. I might die.
- I don't think this is gonna end good for me.
We'll see. ♪ (game over music) ♪
- These guys take a lot of hits. And he's dead.
- Wow. ♪ (victorious fanfare) ♪
Oh, I won!
- Am I winning?
Well, he looks like a pitchfork, but ha ha!
- 'Ey, look at them shots, boys!
Stephen Curry with the shot!
- Ooh, okay, okay, we're doing good still.
Yeah!
- Okay, I know what to do now.
- All my poachers, move back here.
They'll come in later.
- Okay.
I supposed numbers do matter a lot in this game,
like, because if you can overwhelm the enemy,
maybe you have a chance at winning.
- All right, let's see how this works.
Good job, poachers. Good job. (men screaming)
Get 'em! Okay.
♪ (game over music) ♪
Their poachers are just really good.
- That level was probably-- I probably made it more difficult
than I needed it to be.
- Put my samurai in there. We'll give it a shot.
Don't kill my samurai!
You mu-- they killed my samurai.
Can I do this? No.
- (FBE) Well, time's up. You made it to level three.
- (sighing) I won the first round, and that counts for something.
- They have shields and spearmen.
Hey, I have 2,500 this time.
- All right, well, I've got some big bucks to spend.
Let's start with a catapult.
- Two cannonball teams.
- Maybe cannoncrew would be a good idea.
- I like my archers. I feel like they're a good backbone.
Becoming hardcore now.
- Let's see how well this goes. Oh god.
(cannon booming) Hey-- the-- the-- not too--
oh, they're getting cluttered.
- Come on, cannonballs. Come on. (cannons booming)
Yes!
♪ (dramatic music) ♪ (cannons booming)
- Yo, this game is so violent.
- I feel like this dude died, but he's still firing cannonballs,
which, frankly, is impressive.
I like his commitment.
He's standing in front of a cannon! Kill him.
♪ (game over music) ♪
He beat a cannon with a spear! That's not how cannons work.
(cannons booming) - Oh god.
Oh god. Turn around.
No! (men moaning in pain)
I think I got too greedy on that one.
- Let's see. Oh, I might win. ♪ (game over music) ♪
(sighing) Lost again.
- Just this one guy with the shield. ♪ (victorious fanfare) ♪
Yeah! Okay, cool.
- Okay, hey.
(laughing) He doesn't have any shield.
Oh my god, if they can't shoot him, I'm gonna be so upset.
There we go.
- (FBE) Well, you beat level five, but 30 minutes is up.
- That was pretty good.
I can see myself wasting so many hours with this game.
- Let's try this again.
- We're gonna shield each other with shields,
and then shield some more.
- Three chariots, and then one peasant.
Let's go!
(cannons firing) (men screaming)
- See, I like when the shields fight the shields
because it just looks like they're chest bumping.
(gunfire)
- Come on, come on.
- That should clear out a lot of them,
but don't go for our team!
And they come back, killing our teammates...
(men screaming)
...which is really hurtful in the long run.
- Am I winning? Woo! ♪ (victorious fanfare) ♪
Shields are an underrated battle form.
♪ (victorious fanfare) ♪ - Oh, I won.
- Two shieldmen versus one.
Yes! Yes! He hit him from the back.
Yes! What's going on? ♪ (victorious fanfare) ♪
Victory! Finally!
- (tutting) Oh, level six. Too many levels.
- So they have shields and footmen this time.
- Let's do this. Same teams, everyone.
- I'm gonna try and make this one more organized, so...
let's see how it goes.
- They've got shields and footmen, so let's go shields and vikings.
- It looks like I covered a decent amount of ground this time,
so let's play it.
That's a pretty formation. They have all shields.
- Oh my gosh! Their shield game is strong.
My poachers are doing some work-- oh no.
Nope, we're dead. We lost, for sure.
- It's just all over the place.
- Uh-oh, I might not win this one. (men screaming)
- Well, this is just depressing.
♪ (game over music) ♪
♪ (game over music) ♪ - (sighing)
Okay, I'm tired of losing.
- Run, retreat-- something-- crap!
I lost one.
- Oh gosh. No!
(grumbling) I know what I must do now.
They have a wall of shields, so I'll times that by two.
- Definitely a bunch of shields in the front.
- Archers!
- I'm gonna try to do barbarian, and probably poacher.
- Four samurais. We will win this!
Oh, and someone already died. Great, good to know.
- Crap, they still have more shield people.
Those guys are running away. Hey, why are my people running away?
Turn around!
- The amount of times that I've had to chant the words
"kill" and "die" and "murder" in front of a camera
is just really weird.
So... but on that note, DIE!!!
- Oh god, he got stabbed in the back.
I think it's kind of spread out.
You gotta spread out more because everybody died, like, right away.
♪ (game over music) ♪ - (sighing) Oh my gosh.
- Kill him, kill him, kill him. ♪ (victorious fanfare) ♪
Victorious!
- The last survivor is a fricking player.
That took them a while to pin him down.
- Let's try this again.
- I think if they're all on top of each other,
they couldn't do their job.
- Let's try this one now.
- See, this seems like a good fight now.
Come on, let's go.
- I think I'm going to win. Okay, maybe not.
- Destroy-- oh god, that came from one of our archers.
Oh! Dang, that's Stephen Curry right there.
♪ (game over music) ♪ - (sighing) Defeat.
- He's wobbling.
Oh, in the leg. Yes!
(groaning)
- (FBE) Okay, that's all the time we have for you today.
- It was actually really fun.
- That was so intense, like, you think you're gonna win,
and then you don't.
- Perfect.
- Yeah, I won.
- It's really fun and I'm glad I don't own it
because I'd be addicted to it,
and I wouldn't stop until I won.
- That was a lot of fun and really cool.
It was just so stressful.
Watching my players die was very depressing--
over and over again.
- It really does make you think,
and then, when you finally beat that one level
that's been killing you a thousand times, it's a good, like, wow!
- Thanks for watching us play Totally Accurate Battle Simulator
on the React channel.
- Thumbs up for more gaming episodes.
- Subscribe. New gaming episodes every week.
- See you guys next time.
- Hey, guys, I'm Megan, one of the producers of the React channel.
Thank you so much for watching this episode of gaming.
If there's any other games you want to see our reactors play,
please let us know in the comments.