It’s time for Either Or?
-♪ ♪ -(scale creaking)
-Eh, come on. -Your hair looks good there.
-Yeah. -CHRISTINA: Yeah.
That’s... Yeah, that’s not my hair.
That’s when I wear my Britney wig.
Um, we-we put a poll on Instagram,
uh, for the general pub to answer our either/or questions.
Now it’s up to our panel of guests
to guess the results, but...
Oh, first I’ll give you a random example.
Ryan Seacrest-- gay or just busy?
-Oh. Hellur. -You know what I mean?
-So... -We don’t want it.
-Hellur. -It looks... it looks like he just recycled something.
(laughter)
That’s our answer.
Uh, that’s hypothetical, of course.
We would never talk about that.
By the way, Kevin, in his stand-up,
he used to do a bit called, uh, not Either Or?
but, like, Would you Rather, what was...? -Would You Rather.
-CHRISTINA: Yeah. -Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Okay, would you rather...
get your finger slammed in a car door
and then have the guy drive away,
through a car wash...
or...
would you rather-- oh, gosh, that’s a no--
let’s say have somebody take one of those wood planes
for shaving wood and just run it down your shin?
-(laughing, groaning) -Just that little...
-Not all the way, just halfway. -SPADE: Right.
-So there’s that little piece of skin hanging there. -Ew.
And then take a key from a can of Spam
and hook it up there and unravel it all the way down,
and then have to wear a pair of wool socks.
-(laughter) -Okay, car door or the wood plane?
-This is in your act? -It was.
-(laughter) -SPADE: It was.
Uh, wood plane.
Okay, first up, chatty cashiers,
are they nice or are they horrifying?
They ask me to donate, and I... and I don’t know what to say.
Like, when you’re checking out, and they go,
"Would you like to put a few...?"
I go, "Oh, you know what, I already have a charity
-that I give pennies to." -(laughter)
I love it. I want to know all the shit that’s going down
-at this Yankee Candle. -(laughter)
-At this what? -Yankee Candle.
You go into a Yankee Candle, there’s clearly drama
between, like, front of store, back of store,
It’s where they sell candles that smell.
Where do you think scented candles come from, David Spade?
Oh, in your fancy world, they just appear.
Some of us have to go and buy a candle.
-(laughter) -Mine do just appear.
I don’t... I don’t like chatty cashiers.
Like, say I’m using a stolen credit card.
-(laughter) -’Cause I want to get in and get out.
I don’t like them, either,
uh, mostly because I have so much anxiety throughout the day.
Like, you know, when I go to Starbucks,
the worry is, like, will I or won’t I have to shit here?
(laughter)
-There’s one bathroom... -But it’s the best...
but it’s the best place.
They always have clean bathrooms.
I checked out at CVS, and then they were...
-she was FaceTiming with her friend. -(Christina gasps)
So she’s like that, and she goes, "Huh?"
I’m like, "Oh, am I bugging you?"
And I’m like, "Here’s my stuff." She’s like... She goes,
"Hang on, I got to deal with this dick for a second."
And I’m like, "I’m the customer!
"And you know what, I’m not rounding it up for charity.
"Just because of you.
And you explain why that happened."
Yeah. Well, the pressure to-to give to charity, right?
Like, "Do you want to be a good person,
-or are you a piece of shit?" -SPADE: That’s what it is.
Yeah, and you have to be like, "I’m a piece of shit."
-We got a shitter. -I give a lot to charity
but it’s anonymous, you know?
’Cause I don’t want people to be asking me for it.
So any time you see "anonymously given..."
SPADE: Is that you?
(laughter and applause)
What a sweetheart.
All right, what’s the answer?
-I forgot what we’re talking about. -(bell dings)
-Oh, people like it nice. -Ah.
Ooh, squeaker.
Uh, all right.
J.Lo and A-Rod, just off the top of my head.
Love or branding?
CHRISTINA: Oh.
Is there a difference?
SPADE: Uh, not these days.
-You’re right. -Oh, wow. -Yeah.
It sounds kinky, the branding when you’re having love.
And you just take metal and just... (makes sizzling sound)
J-Lo would be a nice brand, though. (sizzling)
I think it’s not a romance until you have a product endorsement.
I would like to see them come out
with a nice line of scented candles.
I don’t know. She--
There’s no love in her heart, right?
How many times has she been married?
(audience reacts)
Oh. (growling)
-How many...? -Branding.
How many, uh, how many innings have they been together?
(laughter)
All right. Let’s see the results of the poll.
-Ding. -(bell dings)
-Oh, you got it right. -Oh, see.