At one of the most difficult times for a family. "Why do siblings fight over
inheritance?" There's some clear reasons why that happens and some specific
things you can do to get out of it. This is a problem that plagues a lot of
families. And it's really sad too because at a time when the parents pass away for
example, maybe these are aging parents and they've got this estate that they've
build up whether it's larger it's small. And then what happens at the funeral?
There's fighting and bickering and arguing about who gets what.
Why do siblings fight over inheritance? You know what the number-one problem
here is something that I called the scarcity mentality. Let's just set up a
little comparison here. Scarcity versus abundance. These are different ways of
looking at the world. Their different ways of understanding, our existence. In a
scarcity mindset, there's never enough. There's not enough time, love, money,
attention. It's actually part of what I've referred to in other videos as the
victim mentality. This scarcity mentality sometimes starts first thing in the
morning. "I didn't get enough sleep." Really? You just woke up.
You probably got enough sleep. Now, what if you really didn't? What if you're
sleep-deprived? Well eventually, you're going to fall asleep. Your body's just going to
take care of that. But the mindset it's what I'm focusing on here. Now, let's just
talk for a minute about the stuff that the people are arguing over. It's stuff
in my family coaching. I really emphasize this. Values before valuables. Values
before valuables. What are the underlying values? And really, what enabled the
parents in this case to collect the stuff to start with? Well, usually it's
things like a work ethic or an understanding of money and value in
exchange. And that's how they've built this up in the first place.
Well, those values are far more valuable than the valuables that people are
arguing over. You know, I've worked with a lot of families. Especially families
where there is some level of wealth where the really important thing becomes
how do we pass on the values before the valuables. And that's what's really
important. What if you're one of these siblings that's arguing over the stuff?
Well, forget about the stuff for a minute and focus on the values that created the
valuables in the first place? It's really interesting to look at the research
around families where there are assets or wealth. And when that wealth is passed
on to the next generation, the research shows that it's completely lost within
3 generations. And that's generous because smaller amounts of wealth can be
consumed sometimes in months. It can go very
quickly. And it's because of what we've already talked about here, the values
haven't been installed and so the valuables just disintegrate. They
evaporate. They disappear into thin air. Is this what people really want for the
family inheritance? No. But again, it gets back to that mindset of scarcity. And if
you think in a scarcity mindset, what do you do with stuff? You hoard it. You cling
to it. You try to pull it to you. You certainly don't share it. You certainly
don't put it out there to a higher greater use or cause. And that's part of
the problem and why siblings end up fighting over the inheritance. I have to
say a few words now about entitlement. Entitlement is this sense of somebody
owes me something. Like somehow I've got a right to that thing or that possession
or that money. I remember an episode of The Cosby Show years ago where Bill
Cosby as the father in this family was having an interaction with Theo, his son.
And Theol wanted something. And he said, "Come on dad. We can get that. We're rich."
And Bill's response to him: "What do you mean we're rich? I'm rich. You're poor." And
I had to chuckle at that. Because really, the son is poor. He doesn't own all of
that wealth that his physician father owns but he felt entitled to it. As if it
was his just by virtue of being a child in the family. I've seen this dynamic so
often where parents, because they love their children they want to pass along
what they have earned or accumulated to their kids as an inheritance. Here's the
thing folks. You're not entitled to it. And your parents don't have to give it
to you. And parents, you don't have to give it to your kids. In fact, it's
probably a better idea to put that to the highest use possible and into the
hands of those who can be the very best stewards of those assets. That's a whole
other conversation that we can have another time if you want.
I think the entitlement mentality is one of the main reasons together with
scarcity that siblings fight over inheritance. Make sure that it's not you.
Now, while we're talking about mindset, let me just make another comment about
producer versus consumer. Alright, look at these 2 very opposite ways of thinking.
A consumer for example is constantly looking for "what's in it for me? What can
I obtain or receive or consume or use?" Versus the producer mindset. Now, a
producer mindset is all about creating or bringing to the table more than I
take away. Its producers that make things available to us. You know one of the
books that has made the biggest difference in my intellectual life is a
book called Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand. The author does an amazing
job of setting up this discrepancy between producers and consumers. And she
plays out in this story. What would happen if we were all stuck in a
consumer mindset? And you know the whole society would just deteriorate. Its
producers that make it possible for us to go to a store and buy something.
Because they created more than they needed to consume. The producer mindset
is what created the assets in the first place.
And without that, they're not sustainable. For siblings to argue over assets or
inheritance shows that they don't understand the producer mindset that
would allow them to go create a similar thing on their own. Obviously in this
video, we've been talking about sibling rivalry between grownups. If you want to
help your kids overcome sibling rivalry, I think you're going to love this video:
"How to deal with sibling rivalry?" You can click on it right over there. And if
you're enjoying these videos, would you please share this channel with someone
else who would also enjoy it?