WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING--
LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING, A PERSONAL QUESTION: HOW IS
EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YOU'RE TERRIBLE.
AND I'LL TELL YOU WHY: NORTH AMERICAN BEEF PRICES ARE
SOARING.
WE'RE ALL GOING TO HAVE TO SWITCH TO SOMETHING WITHOUT
MEAT, LIKE TACO BELL.
( LAUGHTER )
ONE.
I WILL FIND YOU!
BEEF IS YET ANOTHER PRODUCT AFFECTED BY SUPPLY CHAIN ISSUES.
I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT'S "CARGO UNCHAINED:
HIGH STEAKS EDITION."
>> WHERE'S THE BEEF?
NO, SERIOUSLY, WHERE IS IT?
>> Stephen: HERE'S WHAT'S GOING ON, FOLKS.
SINCE THE PANDEMIC, DEMAND FOR MEAT TO COOK AT HOME IS WAY UP,
WHILE MEAT PRODUCERS ARE FACING ESCALATING COSTS IN LABOR, RAW
MATERIALS, AND TRANSPORTATION.
SO, EVERYTHING.
THAT'S LIKE A DOCTOR TELLING YOU, "MR. WILSON, YOUR TESTS
CAME BACK, AND EVERYTHING'S FINE, EXCEPT YOUR SKIN, YOUR
BONES, AND YOUR ORGANS."
( LAUGHTER )
IN THE PAST YEAR, PRICES FOR SIRLOIN, BONELESS CHUCK ROAST,
AND BACON HAVE JUMPED BY ABOUT 25%, A PHENOMENON EXPERTS ARE
CALLING "MEATFLATION."
ALSO THE NAME OF MY SHORT-LIVED MEAT-THEMED BALLOON COMPANY.
( LAUGHTER )
FRIENDS NORTH OF THE BORDER.
IN CANADA, A RIB ROAST CAN SET YOU BACK $100.
THAT'S RIDICULOUS!
$100!
THE ONLY HUNK OF CANADIAN MEAT WORTH THAT MUCH IS RYAN GOSLING.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
NOW, I'M SURE SOME OF YOU ARE SAYING, "STEVE, WHAT'S THE BIG
DEAL?
WHY NOT JUST EAT SOMETHING OTHER THAN MEAT?"
SHUT UP.
( LAUGHTER )
ICEBERG HERE.
PRICES ARE ALSO GOING UP FOR EVERYTHING FROM COOKING OIL TO
DAIRY, AND THE PRICE OF MAKING PIZZA IS SOARING, FORCING NEW
YORK PIZZA SHOPS TO MOVE AWAY FROM THE POPULAR $1 SLICE.
IT'S GOTTEN SO BAD THAT PIZZA RAT CAN ONLY AFFORD GARLIC
KNOTS.
( LAUGHTER )
ABOUT THIS.
IN THE LATEST "USA TODAY/SUFFOLK UNIVERSITY/
SMUCKERS GOOBER GRAPE POLL, JOE BIDEN'S APPROVAL RATING HAS
FALLEN TO "A NEW LOW OF 38%."
>> 38% AIN'T SO BAD, JACK.
WHY, I REMEMBER BACK WHEN 38 WAS THE HIGHEST PERCENT THAT
EXISTED.
THEN OL' PATTY NUMBERTON CAME OUT AND SAID, 'HEY, FELLAS, WHAT
ABOUT 39?' AND WE ALL SAID, 'THAT'S THE
GREATEST IDEA SINCE SLICED BREAD.'
AND THEN WE ALL WENT, 'YEAH, WHY DON'T WE START SLICIN' BREAD?'
I'M TIRED OF CHOKING ON A LOAF!
NO, I'M SERIOUS FOLKS."
THE POLL-- I'M BACK.
THE POLL DID HAVE ONE BIT OF GOOD NEWS FOR BIDEN: HE'S NOT
KAMALA HARRIS.
BECAUSE THE SAME POLL SHOWED HER APPROVAL RATING AT 28%, A RECORD
LOW FOR A MODERN VICE PRESIDENT.
AT 28%, HARRIS' RATING WAS EVEN LOWER THAN THE THE PERCENT FOR
KICK CHENEY.
MEANING TO IMPROVE HER POPULARITY SHE SHOULD CONSIDER
SHOOTING SOMEONE IN THE FACE.
IN A SEPARATE CNN POLL, THE MAJORITY OF AMERICANS ARE SAYING
BIDEN ISN'T PAYING ATTENTION TO THE NATION'S MOST IMPORTANT
ISSUES.
HE NEEDS TO CHANGE HIS SLOGAN FROM "BUILD BACK BETTER," TO WE
HAVE THE MEAT.
WELL, I FOR ONE-- I FOR ONE-- YOU GOTTA TRY.
YOU GOTTA TRY.
( APPLAUSE )
POPULARITY.
THAT'S WHY THIS SHOW IS LASER FOCUSED ON THE ONE ISSUE
AMERICANS REALLY CARE ABOUT: WHO IS "PEOPLE" MAGAZINE'S
"SEXIEST MAN ALIVE 2021"?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
STEPHEN!
STEPHEN.
>> Stephen: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
>> Audience: STEPHEN!
STEPHEN.
>> Stephen: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE, NOW IS NOT
THE TIME.
I'M GOING TO REVEAL THAT LATER IN THE SHOW.
COULD IT BE... ME?
( LAUGHTER )
SPEAKING OF SEXY MEN AND DEMOCRATS, THERE'S SOME NEWS
ABOUT FORMER PRESIDENT AND MAN GIVING YOU HEALTHCARE WITH HIS
EYES...
( APPLAUSE )
OBAMA IS IN GLASGOW FOR COP26, AND IN A SPEECH YESTERDAY, HE
REFERRED TO SCOTLAND AS "THE EMERALD ISLES," WHICH IS
ACTUALLY THE NICKNAME FOR THEN OBAMA TOPPED HIS GAFFE WITH
A DOLLOP OF OOPS: >> SINCE WE'RE IN THE EMERALD
ISLES HERE, LET ME QUOTE THE BARD, WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE.
>> Stephen: SO HE CALLED SCOTLAND IRELAND, AND THEN
QUOTED AN ENGLISHMAN.
AT LEAST WE DON'T NEED TO CHECK HIS BIRTH CERTIFICATE, BECAUSE
THAT IS THE MOST AMERICAN MOVE EVER.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THE SCOTTS-- THANK YOU.
THE SCOTS WERE A LITTLE UPSET OBAMA QUOTED SHAKESPEARE INSTEAD
OF SCOTLAND'S BARD, ROBERT BURNS.
YES, WHY DIDN'T HE PICK ROBERT BURNS?
BURNS' WORDS JUST ROLL OFF THE TONGUE:
( WITH SCOTTISH ACCENT )
GIE US TO SEE OURSELS AS OTHERS SEE US!
IT WAD FRAE MONIE A BLUNDER FREE US,
AN' FOOLISH NOTION."
PRETTY SURE--
PRETTY SURE THAT'S ABOUT CARBON CLIMATE CHANGE.
MEANWHILE, STATESIDE, IN CONGRESS, THEY'RE STILL FOCUSED
ON WHO TRIED TO KILL EVERYONE IN CONGRESS.
THE JANUARY 6 COMMITTEE IS GOING AFTER THE FOLKS WHO PLANNED TO
OVERTURN THE ELECTION, AND I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN
TONIGHT'S "SEDITIONIST ROUND-UP ROUNDUP: "CONGRESSIONAL
EDITION."
>> THESE NEIGH-O NAZIS ARE UN-STABLE.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU, HORSEY.
THE BIG HEADLINE IS THAT THE JANUARY 6 COMMITTEE HAS ISSUED
SIX SUBPOENAS TO THE EX-PRESIDENT'S TOP CAMPAIGN
ASSOCIATES, A COLLECTION OF POWERFUL DUMB-DUMBS WHO HELPED
ORCHESTRATE THE LAST-DITCH EFFORTS TO STEAL THE ELECTION, A
HIGH-STAKES, LOW-I.Q. HEIST ON DEMOCRACY, STARRING PARDONED
CRIMINAL MICHAEL FLYNN, A.K.A., GENERAL GRUMPY PANTS.
PARDONED CRIMINAL BERNIE KERIK: THE SCALP.
DISCRACED LAWYER JOHN EASTMAN: THE ACCESSORIZER.
CAMPAIGN MANAGER BILL STEPIEN: BLAND MASTER FLASH.
EXECUTIVE ASSISTANT ANGELA McCALLUM, THE SPARE TIFFANY.
AND'RE AND STEPHEN MILLER AS THE HONEY TRAP.
THESE TRADER JOES WAS HUDDLE TOGETHER IN A SET OF ROOMS AND
SUITES IN THE POSH WILLARD HOTEL IN DOWNTOWN D.C.
THEIR ROOM BAR TAB MUST'VE BEEN HUGE.
IT'S, LIKE, 20 BUCKS A POP FOR THOSE MINI MOLOTOV COCKTAILS.
( LAUGHTER )
COULD TO STOP BIDEN FROM TAKING OFFICE, INCLUDING PUTTING
PRESSURE ON MIKE PENCE TO DELAY OR EVEN BLOCK CERTIFICATION OF
THE ELECTION.
WELL, GOOD LUCK.
PENCE IS A MASTER OF WITHSTANDING PEER PRESSURE.
EVEN IN HIGH SCHOOL, HIS FRIENDS COULDN'T GET HIM TO EXPERIMENT
WITH UN-GARTERED SOCKS: "NO, THANK YOU.
ELASTIC IS THE DEVIL'S REACH-AROUND."
( LAUGHTER )
INTERESTED IN MICHAEL FLYNN, BECAUSE HE PUBLICLY CALLED FOR
THE MILITARY TO INTERVENE AND SEIZE VOTING MACHINES, AND
ENCOURAGED THE PRESIDENT TO IMPOSE MARTIAL LAW TO FORCE NEW
ELECTIONS IN BATTLEGROUND STATES.
SENDING IN THE U.S. ARMY TO CHANGE THE RESULTS OF AN
ELECTION IS NOT SOMETHING THIS COUNTRY DOES.
IN NORTH AMERICA.
AND THE THREAT FROM THESE CLOWNS IS NOT OVER.
HERE'S ONE OF THEM, JOHN EASTMAN-- THE CROOKED LAWYER WHO
SHOULD BE DISBARRED BEFORE I FINISH THIS SENTENCE-- JUST TWO
WEEKS AGO SPREADING THE LIE THAT THE JANUARY 6 INSURRECTION WAS
AN INSIDE JOB: >> THE WHOLE THING WAS A SETUP.
I MEAN, IT WAS A SETUP.
JOHN SULLIVAN, ANTIFA GUY, GOT PAID 60,000 BUCKS BY CNN TO
BREAK IN AND GET VIDEO EVIDENCE OF VIOLENCE.
>> Stephen: YES, CNN ORGANIZED THE INSURRECTION.
EVERYONE REMEMBERS WHEN THE SENATE CHAMBER WAS PRESIDED OVER
BY THE WOLF SHAMAN.
( AS WOLF BLITZER )
STOP THE STEAL."
THEN, THIS AFTERNOON, THE JANUARY 6 COMMITTEE ISSUED 10
MORE SUBPOENAS.
ONE MORE, AND THEY GET A FREE SUB...POENA.
BECAUSE THERE'S GOING TO BE WAY MORE SUBPOENAS AFTER THIS.
SO, WHO'S IN THE FRESH BATCH?
WELL, DOES THE NAME KENNETH KLUKOWSKI MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU?
BECAUSE I HAVE NO IDEA WHO THAT IS.
I THINK HE'S ONE OF THE MONSTERS FROM "MONSTERS INC."
I DO RECOGNIZE ONE PERSON BEING SUMMONED TO CAPITOL HILL:
SENIOR ADVISOR, STEPHEN MILLER.
WHICH IS SURPRISING.
I THOUGHT HE COULD ONLY BE SUMMONED BY SACRIFICING A GOAT.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUEST IS QUENTIN TARANTINO.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I WILL REVEAL "PEOPLE'S" "SEXIEST MAN
ALIVE."
STICK AROUND.
♪ ♪ ♪