G'day, A.J. Mahari here gonna answer my heart here just uh hopefully a short video comment um
response video someone like to comment on the video i did
i don't know when while back uh maybe a couple years ago a while back
born on personality relationships bpd lying and manipulation and then it says do they something
and i can't see the rest of the title sorry for that and so the comment is i think my ex has bpd
i'm 95 sure should i tell her because this person says i wish good a good life for her
and she is lost in her confusion and i'm not sure wait a second she's lost in her confusion
many times she doesn't know what's up okay well this is a question that a lot
of people who are newer to understanding that somebody has been or believing someone has bpd
will definitely ask so that's why i thought it would be good thing to respond to in a video
but the answer is no you really are better off not to tell them because you don't know right like
there's so many different situations with so many different people with bpd some of them have been
diagnosed some of them have been told to have bpd and they outright dismiss it and they don't tell
you anything about it so there's that scenario in which case if you mention it they're going to be
very very you know angry or you'll get decide whatever the way to manifest it is whether it's
quiet or or externalizing out bp uh it's just not going to go well and they tend to you know
not separate the message from the messenger and they often don't take it well in fact
i've never heard anyone tell me that they told somebody that they thought they had bpd
and the person said oh gee thanks i'll um i'll go check that out right away
it it doesn't really work that way so the fact that as this commenter says um like you're 95
sure that she has vpd but you know it's not it's a codependent thing without due respect to want
to tell them so they can get help so you know i mean but but that's the problem with codependency
you can't change them you can't fix them you can't rescue them and so then i don't know um oh you're
saying your ex yes so whether you know you should be you'd be better off to be full no contact at
this point so why would you want to contact or re-contact an ex to tell them that they have
bpd because unfortunately it's up to people with bpd maybe not unfortunately maybe just you know
the reality of the way it is it's up to people with bpd to go and get help and to talk about
what they're experiencing even if they don't know if it's bpd or or if they've been diagnosed or not
because they need to take the action themselves because they need to want to know what's happening
for them why aren't relationships working out why don't they maybe in some people's cases with
bpa don't get along with anybody um they're just having date they might get fired from jobs a lot
uh not because they're not smart or couldn't do the job but relational difficulties so it's not up
to people with codependency and access of people with bpd to tell them that you think they have bpd
it's a codependent thing to do what does that mean well it's really not in your best interest
and you can't fix or change or rescue a person that you believe strongly has bpd
whether they know they have bpd or not you have to just after the relationship's over
of course there's a lot of you know healing and recovery work to do most people have codependency
etc i'm out here to work with you if i resonate with you but people need to get into therapy but
full contact is really important and not trying to reach back to rescue and help and save by telling
them that they have bp or that you think they have bpd so it's really counterintuitive it's
really not a good idea and you need to take care of yourself now and the person who might have bpd
or might already know they have bpd and has just sort of dismissed it and they're denying it
it's up to each person whether they suspect they have bpd or or they don't know
but people are struggling in their lives for whatever
consolations of reasons etc it's up to them just like it's up to codependence it's up to them
alone to find their way to help because they start to hurt too much or they start to realize
some patterns in their life they don't have to know that they have bpd or be told all about bpd
to get to therapy they can just go to therapy to start saying well you know relationships aren't
working out for me or i keep getting fired from jobs or something that might be in their awareness
if they will go to therapy that's wonderful but it has to be their choice and their decision
so this idea that if you tell them that they might have bpd somehow that's going to magically make
them want to go to therapy more no it's better that they find their way to therapy for whatever
reasons in their life that they know something isn't working out
and then what they can learn going forward from there or if they seek to be assessed
or if if a therapist believes that assessment would be warranted then maybe they'll find out
that they do in fact have bpd but many people go to therapy without knowing they have bpd and
i'll just say in my experience when i was 15 and i started therapy and i saw my first psychologist
i hadn't been diagnosed with bp didn't know if it was bp i had no idea bpd what you know
didn't it was like whoever heard of that and so so when i was 15 i just knew that i had a lot of
anxiety i was starting to develop a fear of death i come from a narcissistic dysfunctional family
of origins so there was a lot of narcissistic abuse for sure and i was very traumatized but
i wasn't even having that in my conscious mind i knew my experience and i knew i hurt but all it
took for me to start to go to therapy the age of 15 was that was just like stuff hurts i'm scared
of a lot of things i got this fear of death i don't know how to cope with it
and i'm struggling at school not grades wise except in math you know and things like that
but i'm struggling to just be around people because i'm so anxious and so that's how i started
my journey which would end up in a you know a lot of different iterations and then i would hear him
recover fully because i would get labeled with bpd so i'm not disputing what what that was about
but um i never was assessed i don't know if i had portraits or five traits or because i didn't have
it severely but say you don't have it severely doesn't mean it isn't serious right dpd is serious
but now everybody has it is impacted by it to the same degree so again i want to say not all
people with bpd or suspected bpd are the same so the answer to i think my ex has bpd i'm 95 sure
should i tell her no because she doesn't need to hear it from you you don't know for sure although
you probably have a good idea and you need to move forward formal contact and take care of yourself
so i hope that helps someone today so it's really hard right because you got all these emotions and
most people who've been with somebody bp are codependent and then there's that rescuer still
that wants to tell them this because you want them to have a good life but guess what you need to
focus on yourself now your own healing recovery journey because they're their whether whether
they get into therapy or they don't whether they get on a healing journey or they don't
that's their personal responsibility just like you not telling them or not breaking no contact or if
you're in contact you need to be no contact more often than not so take care of yourself
focus on yourself get into your own therapy and don't try to enable or fix or rescue somebody
your ex in this case that you think might have bp strongly you think that
it's not your place and that's where people of codependency overextend themselves
and have an external locus of focus instead of the internal locus of focus
that's needed when you go to therapy to focus on yourself so i hope that was helpful take care