- I have four children.
All girls, ages 13, 12, 11 and 10.
- How did it come to be
that your parents adopted your children?
- So I was dealing with substance abuse issues
that got in the way of my parenting.
Two of my daughters were born pos-tox.
And I failed, completely failed, at three CPS cases.
And we continued using.
We continued using for a long time.
- [Narrator] Welcome back to The F Word,
a series about adopting a kid from foster care.
- [Nicole] I have the paperwork.
I did write that he enjoys rolling, bouncing
and playing the drums.
This is what they meant by update, right?
By new information since the last court hearing.
- [Kristan] Exhibit A, your honor.
Clearly this child is thriving
by chewing his tambourine.
- [Nicole] I think they'll want to know that.
So what do we think the scenarios are here
that could play out?
- [Kristan] The first scenario is we get stuck in traffic
and we don't get there.
- I just can't wait till we're through this part.
Just feels
dirty, you know?
I mean I know that this case would be happening
with or without us,
that everything that's going on would move forward
with or without us but it's like, being involved in
something as painful and sad
as the termination of parental rights
only to hope that on the other side of it
we get to form a relationship with these people.
and have them in the baby's life
is like head-spinning. - [Kristan] I know.
- I was present that day in court
when my parental rights were terminated.
I knew I had to show up
but I was not, mentally I was not present.
I was loaded so I don't remember too much.
I remember the case being closed
and walking out and walking out of there,
I just couldn't wait to get more loaded.
It took a few days, you know, for that to really kick in
to know I will no longer be able to parent my children.
My first day at court I met with a mentor parent.
He showed me his sobriety chip.
He had 31 years of sobriety
and to me I was just like wow.
Like I didn't think people like me
like there was hope or any help out there for us.
- I cannot express how difficult the whole process is.
I was released to the streets
and I had to stay sober and still do my case plan
to work my programs
and then on top of that you have your therapy
and you have your meetings with your social worker
and then you have court and then you have AA and NA meetings
that you have to go to.
There's lots of barriers that the parents go through.
- It took me so long of going to court and family court
to try and prove that I'm not this monster.
I'm not this person who I was.
After about five years I was granted
full sole legal custody of my daughter.
- What was that reunification day like
when your kids finally came back home?
- Going down to the airport to pick them up
was like giving birth all over again.
- [Nicole] We felt really inspired by these parents
who've maintained their sobriety
while at the same time fighting to get their kids back
from foster care.
We both have close friends and family
who struggle with addiction
and know from experience how challenging that is.
- [Kristan] It also struck us
that most people have heard of National Adoption Day
but how many people are aware of Reunification Day?
- With the reunification celebration
basically we just want to celebrate
those really hard stories.
The ones where chances are they weren't gonna reunify
but the parents strived through
and were able to end up getting their children back
and reunify with them permanently.
- It is an honor for me
to have been able to work with Manuel.
I was at the mall one day with my family hanging out
and then you see the little train that goes around
and in the very front was Manuel, his son,
on the little train and Manuel had the biggest smile
on his face.
That is recovery shining through Manuel
because when we're in those deep dark places
we ain't riding little trains in no malls.
You know?
- [Kristan] Can you hand me my shoes?
We honestly didn't know how we would feel on this day
but now that it's here, we're just thinking a lot
about J's birth parents
and all of the grief and loss tied up in this moment.
It's just, termination of rights.
Termination of parental rights.
I remember back in February just being like
I just want the hearing to be here
and now I'm really sad.
♪ If you're happy and you know it clap your hands ♪
♪ If you're happy and you know it ♪
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♪ If you're happy and you know it clap your hands ♪
- A few weeks ago in the midst
of everything that was happening
we lost our beloved dog, Rocky.
He passed away from a rare heart condition.
So these days, walks are just the three of us
and we miss him a lot.
We have rescue dogs visiting today.
- Yeah they do that every weekend.
- We could just look.
I'll be good.
Are you all all done for the day?
- Well I have one.
- Can we take a look?
- [Woman] You want to see her?
- Sure.
Oh my gosh.
- Is it a she?
- Yeah.
- So cute.
Hi.
- [Woman] She's just a love bunny
and we're not in a huge, huge hurry
to get her out but I do love her.
- She's so sweet.
Oh hello.
- She's so cute.
You're a really cute puppy.
We did exactly what we said we weren't gonna do.
- As the birth parents,
we don't think of your guys' side really all the time.
I think it's important for us as birth parents
to know your guys' side
as well as I think it's very important
for you guys to understand where we're at.
- It's never gonna be an easy conversation
from the parent's perspective
because we're gonna feel anger.
We're gonna feel jealousy.
We're gonna feel a lot of ugly feelings
because you have my children.
- When the baby was removed
she was about three months old
when she was removed from my care
and the foster parents that had her,
I literally told them
you are not getting my baby.
Period.
So enjoy her while it lasts
because she will be coming home, period.
And they were like okay.
And that kind of opened up the door of, okay,
that's when they kind of realized what they had to do.
- Do you feel that we're on opposing sides in this story?
- I don't feel that we're on opposing sides.
I feel that you guys have a huge heart
and big heart
and sometimes
permanency is necessary
but then I'm conflicted at times too
because I failed three times
and when I was finally ready
I was grateful that I had the opportunity
to prove how ready I was.
I'm all for open adoptions
because we just don't know when we're gonna get it.
We don't know when we're gonna come around
and if you ask the children, you know,
they're gonna say they want to know their parents.
- What Mario was saying today really resonated with me
about open adoption.
- I totally agree.
I just think having relationships with his birth family
as early as possible is gonna be so important for J.
- Last week the social worker gave us that binder
and I'm pretty sure J's grandma's phone number
is in that binder so let's call her
or text her or something.
- [Nicole] Alright, let's do it when we get home.
- Okay.
- [Nicole] Hi honey.
I need your schedule for next week
'cause the social worker called
and they want to set up a visit to finalize the adoption.
So as soon as you get this give me a call.
I can't believe this is happening.
Okay I love you, bye.
- [Kristan] Raise A Child is an organization
that is close to our hearts.
They are the nationwide leader
in the recruitment and support of LGBTQ
and all perspective parents
interested in building loving families
through fostering and adoption.
Find out more at RaiseAChild.org.
And another organization you can go to
to learn about becoming a foster parent,
volunteering and other ways to support foster youth
is FosterMore.org.