ROM: Beer...
Stools...
Bar...
Liquor.
Long ago, the four elements lived in harmony...
...that is, until the Bowel Blaster attacked.
He kicked a ball too hard, and it went into Mr. Johnston's yard.
Because he is a meanie, Mr. Johnston wouldn't give the ball back...
...for 100 years.
And now Bowel Blaster's back. 'Least that's how I remember it.
SUBARU: Yup. That's how I remember it, too.
FELT: Rom, stop talkin' to him. You'll catch his stupid.
SUBARU: Oh, that reminds me of my girl. My lost girl.
...Who is lost.
FELT: Can we keep our conversations to things that make sense?
ROM: Hold on.
Let's hear him out.
FELT: It's too late for him. He caught the stupid.
SUBARU: All right, here's the plan:
First, I'll give you my phone.
Then, you can give me the thing, and then I can use it, and trade it for a pineapple,
and then I eat the pineapple, and then I get the big brain food,
and then I use my special eyes to find my special girl.
Nothing unexpected could possibly ha--
EMILIA: Freeze, dirtbags!
I'm mean and I'm lost and I'm out for blood!
SUBARU: [higher pitch] My girl!
[Throat noise]
EMILIA: Who's your girl?
SUBARU: You! Satella!
EMILIA: That's a dumb name. And not mine.
Who told you to call me that?
SUBARU: You did.
EMILIA: Well, you tell this "You" they're dumb!
SUBARU: Uh, okay.
You're dumb.
EMILIA: How DARE you!
FIRE ROUND 1!
SUBARU: [muffled] Wait. No. No! NO--!
ROM: And now Bowel Blaster's back. 'Least that's how I remember it.
SUBARU: My girl *shot me*!
[whiny] Why would she do that...?
FELT: Can we keep our conversations to things that make sense?
EMILIA: Freeze, dirtbags!
FELT: Do you keep locks on your doors, Rom?!
ROM: I reckon I do not.
I do not like restricting people's movements.
SUBARU: You there! My girl!
EMILIA: Who's your girl?
SUBARU: What's your name?
EMILIA: Rupert.
SUBARU: Really??
EMILIA: No!
SUBARU: This makes my head hurt. I need to go to town to figure this out.
Rom, Felt, Rupert, stay here. I'll be back soon.
ROM: All right.
SUBARU: You guys - do you know Satella's name?
TON: Is it... "Satella"?
SUBARU: *Apparently NOT*!
The closest I got was "Rupert".
CHIN: Well, that's dumb. Sounds like you've gone through a lot, kid.
Would it help if we robbed ya?
SUBARU: You know, I thought about that...
...and it wouldn't.
SPOONY: Well that's too bad...
...'CUZ WE'RE GONNA ROB YA! I've got my spoons at the ready!
SUBARU: While your spoons do sound delightful...
SPOONY: Thank you.
SUBARU: ...I have a simple rebuttal, which is as follows...
[Clears throat, inhales]
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGGGHHH!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGGGHHH!!! SPOONY: No! Stop screaming! You're gonna make me scr--
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGGGHHH!!! REEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGGGHHH!!! REEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!! TON: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHH!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGGGHHH!!! REEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHH!!! CHIN: You can't make me--!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGGGHHH!!! REEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHH!!! GYYAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGGGHHH!!!
[Polyscreaming continues]
REINHARD: Jesus! What the fuck is this *racket*?!
Stop FUCKING SCREAMING!
[Polyscreaming ends]
SUBARU: Oh, when you put it like that...
Wait, who said that?
REINHARD: Me. Reinhard.
CHIN: That guy! He-he's that guy! From the thing!
REINHARD: I mean...
You're not wrong, but you are under arrest for disturbing the peace.
TON: I can't go back to juvie!
[Weird noises / wailing]
REINHARD: And they're gone.
That was genuinely the worst.
SUBARU: Thank you, my newest and bestest best friend.
I shall sing you the song of thankfulness.
(Elongated falsetto cry)
(Elongated falsetto cry) REINHARD: All right. Stop that.
(Elongated falsetto cry) Stop that now. Stop. Stop.
Stop that now. Stop. Stop.
SUBARU: I'm just so thankful, sir. You seem super strong.
Can you help me--?
REINHARD: No.
SUBARU: "No"?
REINHARD: One.
SUBARU: Two?
REINHARD: One. Just one. Everybody gets one.
You might be confused as to how much that is, so we're gonna do an exercise.
I'm going to help you count to 1. Ready?
Go.
SUBARU: One...
REINHARD: Good. Stop.
That's all you get. And you got it. Just now.
SUBARU: So you only ever help people once?
Ever?
REINHARD: That is correct.
SUBARU: But you helped me not to get robbed back there, *and* you helped me count to 1,
so didn't you help me two times?
REINHARD: Nooo...?
Okay, look...
You're picking apart my philosophy right now, and I spent
*maybe* an afternoon coming up with it when I first became a knight...
So, I don't like the answers I'm coming up with for your questions.
SUBARU: Can you help me help someone else?
Can I get you to give me their one?
REINHARD: Stop asking questions; I hate iiit.
SUBARU: What will it take to have you kill someone?
REINHARD: All right.
Uhhhhm, mmm...
Atop the tallest peak of Mount Valheim lies a wyvern's egg.
Nurture it to life with your body heat, and care for it into adolescence.
Pluck a single tooth from its maw at midnight on the darkest moon.
Bring me the tooth without dying, and only then will I consider your quest.
SUBARU: Did it.
REINHARD: Di-- do wha-- do what?
SUBARU: I did all that while you were talking.
REINHARD: How is that possible? I made all that up!
Well... a deal's a deal, I guess...
So it fits my knights' code. I will owe you... one.
SUBARU: Wouldn't that be three?
REINHARD: I need you to stop talking... and leave.
SUBARU: Okay, I'm back! I appreciate all of your patience.
EMILIA: Welcome back!
ROM: Not an inch of me has moved for the entire duration of your absence.
FELT: He's *right*! I thought he *died*!
ROM: I entered a state of hyper-advanced hibernation, and during that time...
death was beyond me.
EMILIA: I wanna sleep like that! That sounds cool!
ROM: It's the pinnacle of cool.
FELT: Hey! Why are you even *here*, crazy elf-lady?!
EMILIA: *Half*-elf!
Only half. On my left side.
SUBARU: Puck, make an ice thing into a shield, but on a-behind-side since
attack is coming, and I think she's got a sword and that's bad, I'm pretty s--
PUCK-ICING-SHIELD-NOW!
PUCK: Great work, Private!
SUBARU: I would *die* for you, Commander.
PUCK: No! Not yet.
The time is not right.
SUBARU: Yes, sir.
ELSA: Well... I just came here to get some milk,
but then I saw all of this going on, and...
I just wanted to add shit to the spinning fan you've got going.
You know how it is.
ROM: I do not.
ELSA: Ohh. Well...
that might just be a "me" thing, then. The point is...
♪ I'ma, gonna kill you ♪
FELT: Wait. What if I told you I hate all of them,
and *wanted* to help you kill them?
Would you let me go?
ELSA: I could kill you last. Would that help?
ROM: Counter offer - a refreshing glass of milk.
SUBARU: Counter offer offer counter!
I kill me before you kill me so it hurts me less.
EMILIA: Counter counter offer offer offer counter
FIRE!
PUCK: Pew-pew-pew! Pyah-pyah!
[etc...]
ROM: That looks cold. I hope she brought a jacket.
SUBARU: Yeah, go Puck! Now she's cold! She'll *never* escape.
ELSA: [m] Ohh, noo~ I'm so colld~
Looks like the only way out is...
...my jacket.
SUBARU: Rom, she brought a jacket. ROM, SHE BROUGHT A JACKET!
ROM: It would seem she brought a jacket.
Shame.
PUCK: Looks like it's time to bring out the big guns!
Peeeyah! Peeeyah! PEEEYAH!
What's the matter? Got cold feet?
Get it? 'Cuz I got one o' your feet, with the ice--
AAAAAAGGH!!
ELSA: That most certainly was close.
You could have really hurt someone.
I can show you how that's done, if you want...
PUCK: [yawning] Well... I did my cool thing now.
I'm tired. Can I go play Xbox?
EMILIA: Do you *have* to?
PUCK: Yes. I'm a sleepy boy.
EMILIA: Well, all right.
[Shattered glass SFX]
PUCK: [m] Yeah! Xbox!
Peeeyah! Ooh baby, a triple! *Wooh*!
EMILIA: Aaand we're on our own.
ELSA: Oh no, no, no, noo~ You're not alone...
I'm here for you.
Oww, it-t-t-t-t stings...!
Okay, go.
Bl-bl-bl-bl-bl-bl-bl-bl-bl-bl-bl-bl--
EMILIA: BAAAH!
ROM: Now it's Rom's turn.
The bond between a bar and her tender is sacred.
How dare you violate the end-user license agreement!
I read through all of it because she deserves it!
NOOW DIIIIIEE!
ELSA: So sorry to separate you from your bar...
ROM: Wha?
ELSA: ...But I promise you won't care once I separate your head from your shoulders.
FELT: No!
ROM: BLAARGH!
ELSA: Ohh, were you trying to steal *my* kill?
What a naughty girl.
FELT: I was trying to kill *you*!
ELSA: Well, I was going to make you wait your turn...
...but since you're so insistent on cutting in line, I think I'll let you.
SUBARU: 'Things are looking bad. Looks like I'll have to use... that technique.'
'Sorry Master, but I'll have to go all out. Just this once...'
Danger!
EMILIA: And then Emilia comes in!
Yay~! Pew-pew-pew-pew-pew!
SUBARU: Are you okay... cat-child?
FELT: Fuckin'...
...no.
SUBARU: Good. Find Reinhard.
FELT: Who's hard...?
SUBARU: He needs to give me his one!
FELT: Uhhhh...
SUBARU: He'll know what it means!
FELT: Do... *I* get to know what it means?
SUBARU: No time for that. Wait for my signal.
HrrrrYARGH!
Signal! Now this is a signal, Felt!
Now's your chance, Felt! Run--!
Where'd you go?
FELT: (Panting heavily)
SUBARU: Oh good, she's a mind-reader.
Now all I have to do is stall until Reinhard gets--
BEUGH!
(Takes beating audibly)
[m] Aah, no! Oh, it's not supposed to bend that way! Ugh! Agh!
ELSA: I got your leeeg~!
SUBARU: No-no-no-no-no-no-no, I need that.
I need that for having two legs! No! NO!
(Elongated falsetto cry)
REINHARD: [m] All right. None of that. Stop.
What is it with you people? I heard you guys screaming from the other side of
TOWN!
SUBARU: Hardrein! You came! Did Catgirl come to get you?
REINHARD: Who?
I came towards this noise.
To stop it.
So stop.
And you!
ELSA: Wittle old me?
REINHARD: You get outta here. You're free to go.
Get outta here, you scamp.
ELSA: Wait, really?
REINHARD: Pfft! Of course not! That'd be stupid!
All right.
That's your one.
SUBARU: Aren't I at, like, three?
REINHARD: Didn't I tell you to stop?
SUBARU: Well, we beat the bad lady...
...and the only bad thing that happened to me was that I got a tummy ache.
BLAAARRGHH...!!
REINHARD: Was that a thing she did or... a thing that he just...
...does?
EMILIA: That looks coool~!
I wanna do it too!
HURRRRAAAAAAAARRRRUUUUU--!!
REINHARD: Don't do that. That's your one.
EMILIA: So what should we do now?
REINHARD: Well, I hate that one.
So I'll take this one.
Hey, cat-child.
Did you live here? FELT: Yeah?
REINHARD: I'm saving you from poverty. C'mere.
[Reinhard whispers weird nothings as Felt protests]
There! This is your one.
FELT: This sounds like a fucking kidnapping--!
[Forced asleep]
REINHARD: You know, it sounds like that...
Anyway...
EMILIA: So, like, that's not your kid, though?
REINHARD: We're gonna play the "Don't Worry About It" game. Here's the rules:
Don't worry about it.
EMILIA: I *love* games!
Am I winning?
REINHARD: Have you called the Guard yet?
EMILIA: Nope!
REINHARD: Wow(!) High score(!) Good job(!) We're leaving now.
EMILIA: I *won*! Subaru, did you see--?
Uh-uh, oh...
Rom, did you--?
Felt--?
Uhhh...
...Puck?
PUCK: [m] Shut up! I'm playing Xbox!
FREDDIE HEINZ: Hey. Reinhard here.
Schmucks asked me to do an end card, so... this is their one.
If you liked what you saw, then go check them out on Twitter and Twitch under "TheSchmuckSquad".
I'd also recommend checking out the devilishly handsome Freddie Heinz on Twitter (@Freddie_Heinz).
Okay. Hope they don't get mauled by a bear... 'cause this was their one.