NOW, YESTERDAY WAS LABOR DAY, WHICH MARKS THE UNOFFICIAL END
OF SUMMER.
BUT THERE WAS SO MUCH GOING ON IN THE NEWS IN THE PAST FEW
MONTHS THAT YOU MIGHT HAVE HAD TROUBLE KEEPING UP WITH IT ALL.
SO, IN CASE YOU MISSED A SINGLE THING THAT HAPPENED IN THE
SUMMER OF 2018, LET ME BREAK IT DOWN FOR YOU REAL QUICK...
THE SEASON KICKED OFF WITH A GLOBAL HEAT WAVE.
12 KIDS IN THAILAND WERE FREED FROM A CAVE.
THE DEATH PENALTY WAS CONDEMNED BY THE POPE.
KANYE PRAISED TRUMP, BUT HIS FANS WERE LIKE "NOPE."
CANADA FINALLY LEGALIZED POT.
THE "RIVERDALE" CAST ARE STILL SUPER HOT.
G-MAIL REVEALED A NEW REDESIGN.
KYLIE MADE MILLIONS OFF HER LIP LINE.
FACEBOOK STOCK TOOK A HUGE NOSEDIVE.
SAUDI WOMEN CAN FINALLY DRIVE.
PLASTIC STRAWS WERE BANNED.
IHOP TRIED TO REBRAND.
RACIST ROSEANNE GOT HERSELF CANNED.
SO MUCH TO UNPACK IN ONE SHORT SUMMER.
I CARPOOLED WITH A BEATLE, AND IT WASN'T THE DRUMMER.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) TRUMP MET THE QUEEN AND WAS A
BUFFOON.
THAT'S WHY THEY BLEW UP A BIG BABY BALLOON.
MICHAEL COHEN PLEAD GUILTY TO PAYING PORN STARS.
OMAROSA CASHED IN AND SOLD HER MEMOIRS.
IVANKA RAN HER FASHION LINE INTO THE GROUND.
A BAD OSTRICH JACKET TOOK MANAFORT DOWN.
BETO'S SPEECH WENT SUPER VIRAL.
GIULIANI CONTINUES TO SPIRAL.
SECURITY CLEARANCES WERE RESCINDED.
GUNS ARE BEING 3D PRINTED.
STEVE BANNON WAS DROPPED.
TRADE TARIFFS WERE SWAPPED.
NEW TAPES WERE RECORDED.
BAD WORDS WERE REPORTED.
TRUMP SPENT THE SUMMER ON HIS GOLF COURSE.
THINKING UP DUMB IDEAS, LIKE A FREAKIN' SPACE FORCE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) FIRES IN CALIFORNIA RAGED.
A BUNCH OF CELEBS ALL GOT ENGAGED.
ARIANA AND PETE FILLED US WITH GLEE.
AFTER MAKING ME GOOGLE "WHAT IS B.D.E.?"
KAEPERNICK'S THE FACE OF NIKE'S NEW AD.
AND BOY DID THAT MAKE SOME IDIOTS MAD.
STARBUCKS GOT A JUMP ON PUMPKIN SPICE.
SACHA BARON COHEN RETURNED AND LET ME SAY, "IT'S A NICE!"
JAY-Z AND BEYONCEÉ SCHOOLED US I ART.
EMINEM'S "KAMIKAZE" SHOT UP THE CHARTS.
SHAWN MENDES WENT GOLD.
BTS RACKED UP VIEWS.
DRAKE DROPPED HIS ALBUM.
PUSHA T STARTED FEUDS.
IN TERMS OF DISS TRACKS, IT WASN'T SO SNEAKY.
BUT NOBODY CARED AFTER DRAKE WENT:
♪ KIKI, DO YOU LOVE ME?
ARE YOU RIDING? ♪ ♪ IT'S THE SUMMER, SUMMER OF
2018! ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IN JUNE, DONALD TRUMP TURNED 72.
HIS WIFE WAS LIKE, "I REALLY DON'T CARE, DO YOU?"
YOU'D THINK PHOTO OPS WOULD BE EASY TO DO.
IF ONLY TRUMP KNEW HIS RED FROM HIS BLUE.
HE TOOK TO TWITTER TO SLAM LEBRON JAMES.
VANDALS BROKE HIS STAR ON THE WALK OF FAME.
TRUMP HAD A MEETING WITH KIM JONG-UN.
WHICH MEANS WORLD WAR III IS BOUND TO COME SOON.
HE SUCKED UP TO PUTIN DURING A SUMMIT.
MEDDLED WITH OUR ELECTION-- NOW WHO COULD HAVE DONE IT?
BUT NOTHING WAS WORSE THAN TRUMP'S EVIL ORDER.
TO SEPARATE MIGRANT FAMILIES AT THE BORDER.
IT'S HARD TO IMAGINE SOMETHING MORE CRUEL.
HURRY UP ROBERT MUELLER, LET'S IMPEACH THIS DAMN FOOL!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THE BOX OFFICE CHAMPS WERE
"CRAZY RICH ASIAN."
CHRIS PRATT HAD TO DEAL WITH A DINO INVASION.
IN "M.I.: SIX", CRUISE JUMPED OUT OF A PLANE.
IT'S LIKE "MAMMA MIA! HERE WE GO AGAIN."
"GOTTI" SCORED ZERO ON ROTTEN TOMATOES.
BUT SOMEHOW STILL WORSE THAN THE FINAL "SHARKNADO."
THE OSCARS PLEDGED TO HONOR POPULAR MOVIES.
GIVING ACTORS A CHANCE WHO HAVE COTTONTAIL BOOTIES.
WITH RESPECT TO ALL THE FILMS I'VE LOVED BEFORE
I CAN'T WAIT TO GO GAGA FOR "A STAR IS BORN."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THE WORLD CUP FINAL WAS CROATIA
V FRANCE THOUGH ENGLAND HAD A FIGHTING
CHANCE.
KYLIAN MBAPPEÉ WAS THE OBVIOUS STAR.
BUT AGAIN, ENGLAND STILL GOT PRETTY FAR.
J.R. SMITH THOUGHT HE HAD TIME ON THE PLAY.
LEBRON SOON LEFT CLEVELAND FOR SUNNY L.A.
SERENA'S CATSUIT WAS BANNED FROM THE OPEN.
ENGLAND REALLY, REALLY HAD US HOPING.
AND I HATE TO KEEP GOING BACK TO IT, BUT IF HARRY KANE HAD JUST
KNOCKED IN THAT FREE KICK, WE WOULDN'T HAVE GONE INTO EXTRA
TIME!
I'M SORRY, I'M DONE NOW, I SWEAR.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE PAID RESPECT TO ARETHA.
SALUTED MCCAIN.
SHED A TEAR FOR NEIL SIMON AND ANTHONY BOURDAIN.
APPLE'S WORTH A TRILLION BUCKS.
MOVIEPASS COMPLETELY SUCKS.
ELON MUSK OVEREXTENDED.
ALEX JONES GOT SUSPENDED.
AND IF YOU CARE ABOUT THIS COUNTRY AT ALL
YOU'LL BE SURE TO VOTE IN THE MIDTERMS THIS FALL!
AAAHHH!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.