[Rage Quit intro theme]
Gavin: Hey, I thought I was in charge of the mouse.
Michael: Uh, fuckin' look FORWARD, Gavin, so I can walk!
Gavin: Is that--? That's a fence.
Michael: That's a fuckin' fence. Turn around!
Gavin: Hold on, hold on.
Wha-? Well, who put my torch down?!
Michael: It's a f- It's- Are we gonna start with this again?!
Gavin: It's not flashing!
Michael: IT'S A FUCKING FLASHLIGHT! WE HAD THIS DISCUSSION IN ALAN WAKE, FOR GOD'S SAKES!
IT'S NOT A FUCKING TORCH!
You want to look around at all, so we can-?
Gavin: So, is there like a compass or- Which way is it? Is it just-
Michael: I don't know which way it is! That's the whole point of the game! We gotta find the fuckin' paper!
Gavin: Well, how did we get here? I didn't see a car or anything!
Okay, let's go between-- oop--
Okay...nope.
Michael: Fuckin' walking along staring at the ground looking for fuckin' paper in the woods.
Gavin: Oh, there's a cricket! Is that a clue?
Michael: Dude, we're gonna fuckin' find paper somewhere.
Gavin: Dude...what are we gonna do once we've got 8 pages? We gonna read it?
Maybe it's a flipbook.
Michael: Yeah, maybe it draws a picture of me shooting you in the head.
[Gavin chuckles]
Gavin: Kind of weird if that's what it was. Glad I spent the whole night in the woods for that.
I know what we should do. Stop walking.
Michael: Yeah?
Gavin: Let's wait for twenty-f-- Let's wait for twelve hours.
Michael: Shut up, you idiot!
Gavin: The sun will come up!
Michael: IT'S NOT SKYRIM, YOU FUCKIN' MORON!
Gavin: Oh, it's an open area! We're onto something here.
So I guess because I'm steering the mouse and you're doing the keyboard...
Michael: Yeah?
Gavin: ...it's the equivalent of you giving me a piggy-back in the woods.
[Weird Gavin noises]
Michael [sighing]: Oh my God, I hate you.
Michael: God, this would be fuckin' exciting if we could find one piece of fuckin' paper.
Gavin: Should I be looking up more? Or is it--
Michael: It's not IN THE FUCKIN' TREE. THEY'RE ON THE TREE, LIKE THE TREE TRUNK!
Gavin: Alright--
Michael: You can't climb trees! Gavin, you can fucking walk and look around in this game.
They're not gonna be up in the Goddamn trees.
Gavin: A-Alright, chill.
What's this? A plane? What is it? Is this a plane?
Michael: I don't think it's a fuckin' plane. It looks like a tank or something.
Gavin: It doesn't help that the sunlight is on the screen, and you've got fingerprints all over your screen.
Michael: Don't fuckin' bitch about my-- AHHH
[Excited shouting]
Michael: Okay, we got it! Okay. Gavin: "Don't look, or it..."
Gavin: That's-- That's terrifying.
Michael: Well, just shut up and pick it up, stupid. It looks like you drew that, you moron.
Gavin: I can't stop looking at it. Michael: Fucking scribblings of a fucking two-year-old child.
Gavin: What do I do with it? Michael: Click the mouse, for God's sakes, and take it!
Gavin: Aahh! Michael: Fuckin' God. Now get the fuck outta--
[Deep rumbling noises] Michael: Oh, shit. Gavin: What was that?
[Deep rumbling noises continue]
Gavin: What's that noise? Michael: That's the ominous music of you--
Gavin: AHHHH! What'd I do?
Michael: You turned the fuckin' flashlight off.
Gavin: Oh. Uh, I didn't know you could do that.
Gavin: Now it's a flashlight! Ohh-ohh! Strobe! Michael: Oh my God...
Michael: FUCKING STOP!!
Gavin: We're back! Okay. Michael: Got the flashlight?
[SCARY PIANO CHORD] Gavin: AHH!! Michael: OHH!! What the fuck was that?
[Static noises] Gavin: What is--?
[Both scream (loudly)]
Michael: YOU RUN AWAY, YOU IDIOT!! [Gavin still screaming]
Michael: Good job running away there, Gavin.
Michael: We got one-- We got one piece of paper... Gavin: What the hell??!
Michael: ...took twelve fuckin' minutes.
Gavin: I don't want to play this. This is scary!
Gavin [giggling]: That is terrifying! D'you see that?
Michael: YES, I saw it!!
Gavin: Okay.
God!
My heart is POUNDING!
So, if we stand still, then is he gonna--
Michael: You have to RUN AWAY! You were like, "OHH! THERE HE IS! LET'S STAND STILL!!!" Gavin [incredulous]: WHAT?!
Gavin: Why're you telling me to run?! I'm just holding the torch! You've got the legs!
Michael: You have to LOOK in the direction to run away, Gavin!
I can't run away when you're staring at him, fucking asking him out for brunch.
[Gavin chuckling]
"A fucking spot o' tea out by Big Ben?"
Gavin: So, if I just turn off the light when we see him, and then we just walk away?
Let's practice walking in the dark.
Michael: You're looking at a tree.
Gavin: Oh, sorry. Excuse me. Michael: Thanks.
Michael: Wait, was that it? Right there! To your right. Right there.
Gavin: Okay, okay.
Okay, this is what we're gonna do. Stop moving.
Michael: I'm stopped! For fuck's sakes, let's go! Gavin: Alright, alright, alright....
Gavin: So we're gonna haul asshole in this direction, and I'm gonna grab it and then turn the torch off.
Gavin: Okay, ready? Michael: It's a flashlight. Yes.
Gavin: We can make it flash if you want. Ready?
Gavin: RUNNN!! Michael: Go go go GO GO GO!
[Deep rumbling begins] Michael [snickering]: Why are you flashing it? Gavin [snickering]: Disco! Disco!
Michael: You're looking at the ground. Gavin: I don't want to look him in the eye. That's why.
Michael: He's BEHIND us! Gavin: Is he?
Michael: Yeah, he'll always be behind you. Gavin: Oh! Well, fuck, let's go then!
Michael: Don't run towards the thing that has the glowing eyes and fucking eats you?
Gavin: Ah! Oh! I got turned around! Did we turn around?
Okay, it's scary if you put both ears on your headphones. I was only using one.
Michael: Dude, I only use one ear half the time.
Gavin: You use half the ears...half the time?
Is he like-- If we stand still, is he gonna take us?
Michael: Probably.
Gavin: Alright, this is....
...MOVE!
Michael: We found ONE page! There's EIGHT!! For fuck's sakes!
Gavin: Alright, we're going back this way now. Michael: How are you supposed to fucking find anything?
[SCARY PIANO CHORD] [Michael and Gavin screaming]
Michael: HOLY SHIT!!
Michael: RUUUUNNNN!!!! Gavin: AAAHHHHHHH!!!!
Michael: GO! GO GO GO GO!!
Gavin: WHERE AM I?! AHHH!! Michael: OH MY GOD!!
Gavin: I SAW HIM!! Michael: I SAW HIM!!
[More incoherent screaming]
Michael: GAVIN, STOP FUCKING WITH THE MOUSE!!
Gavin: We got this. Michael: Holy shit, she's like breathing heavy because she's gonna get FUCKED UP.
Michael: Holy crap! Gavin: UGH!
[Deep rumbling is still going] Gavin: Is he a giant? Why's he- Why are his footsteps so big?
Michael: Let's fuckin' stop and ask him.
[Quiet static noises]
[Static noises] Michael: Oh, run away. Run away. That's a bad sound. Gavin: Yeah, that's a bad sound.
Michael: Turn the light on. Run away.
Gavin [giggling]: It was getting all crackly. It's like he was right there.
Michael: You're fuckin' like pissin' yourself in your seat!
Gavin: Well, it's probably because I need to poo, and I don't want to overdo it.
Michael: Well you're gonna poo your pants. I hope you fucking SHIT yourself in this video.
Gavin: Alright, let's-- Wait, tease it. Like, walk back and look around because I don't want to have to turn--
Michael!
Micool!
Go f-further back-- Walk backwards!
Michael: Ohh, it's static-y. Grab it and run! Gavin: OHHH! OHHH!!
Michael: Run!! RUN!!! Gavin: OOHHH MY--!
Michael: Will you fucking stop?!
That is a STROBE light, not a FLASHlight, you idiot!
Gavin: Are we walking towards him?
Michael: I don't know! I can't see! Look around!
Gavin: What d'you mean look around?! I don't want-- Michael: Look around, and then--
[Static noises] Gavin: OHHHH!!!!
Michael: Fucking CHRIST!! We're at the tree!
Why did I give you the mouse?
Why do-- Why are you controlling where we look?
Gavin: Uhh...
Michael: I feel like you should've been in charge of like the fuckin' pen or something.
[Gavin laughing]
Gavin: I should've been in charge of reading the note.
I'm less scared now. I feel like-- So looking at him doesn't do anything?
Michael: I guess-- Well, I dunno.
Gavin: Or does he actually have to get near you?
Michael: I don't-- You-- Every time we see him you go, "OHHH!!"
I fuckin'-- I couldn't tell you.
Gavin: I'm just not learning anything from our experiences with him.
Michael: We are not fucking finding *shit*.
These fuckin' pages are barren like fuckin' Gavin's sex life.
How big is this fuckin' forest?! FUCK!
Fuckin'-- Will you look around?!
You're just looking str-- All I'm doing is walking, we're getting to the fence, and then you're turning left.
That's what we've been doing for ten fuckin' minutes.
Gavin: That's how you solve a maze is you keep going left!
Michael: You gotta go through the MIDDLE of it to find the fuckin' notes, not dance around the perimeter...
...fuckin' the fence the entire God damn time!
Gavin: Oh, I guess that only works in mazes and not woods.
Michael: We're-- We're gonna find all the fuckin' papers when you're staring straight at the fuckin' ground--
Gavin: Well, sorry, but there's only trees in front of us.
Michael: THAT'S WHERE THE PAGES ARE!!
Michael: They're in front of us! Gavin: We haven't found a single page on a tree, you donut!
Michael: Well, we found them up high in front of us--
Gavin: Well I can't see because you're hand is in front of the screen--
Michael: Well, I'll fuckin' put my hand in front of your fuckin' face when I shove my fist down your fuckin' throat...
Michael: ...and then I put my foot up your ass. Gavin: At least I'll still be able to see if it's down my throat.
Gavin: Actually, your elbow would be in front of my eyes, wouldn't it? Never mind.
Michael: What is this? Oh, those are tikis. Gavin: Oh, this seems-- This is the second woods.
Michael: Yeah, like fuckin' New Game Plus. Gavin: Or totem poles around here.
Gavin & Michael: OHH!! BAM!
Gavin: Boom!
"Can't run"? Well that's not good!
[ANOTHER SCARY PIANO CHORD] Gavin & Michael: AHH!!
Michael: JESUS!
[Gavin and Michael screaming, static gets louder]
Michael: HE LET GO OF THE MOUSE!!
YOU FUCKING DROPPED THE MOUSE AND JUMPED AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER, YOU FUCKING IDIOT!!
Gavin: IT WAS SCARY! OI, WHERE'S HIS FACE?!