Transcriber: Claire Ghyselen Reviewer: Maurício Kakuei Tanaka
Probably like many of us here,
I have been to the dark moments of my life,
I mean, to the rock bottom.
But you know what?
I don’t know what saved you,
but hugs have saved me.
Hugs from those that matter.
I believe hugs have saved others, too.
But sadly, there are many there who wish to be hugged.
And even worse,
some never had a chance to even wish for a hug.
With that, if you indulge me, I’m Maria,
a self-appointed ambassador of life-saving hugs,
who would like to empower you with this hopeful story about hugs.
You know, I don’t usually smile in my childhood pictures.
My childhood, especially school life, wasn’t a great one.
My classmates were mean to me,
never get along.
They hated my books.
They ostracized me.
When I try to be friendly and smile, they call me fat and ugly.
I was so lonely,
and I didn’t have a reason to smile.
There are a few things that every kid craves:
to be seen, feel special, know that they are loved.
But I tried to be invisible, hoping that it would make my life easier.
But what I learned was: easier doesn’t mean happier.
The only thing that kept me from sinking into thought or darkness
was my dad.
My dad hugged me.
He hugged me tightly and often.
He sometimes hugged me and lifted me up.
And that turned my tears into laughter.
I would dry my tears with his T-shirt.
And now, three decades later,
I can still smell the scent of hay and cows on his T-shirt
from his work in nearby farms.
During the day, he hugged cows,
because he was a vet.
But at night, he was all mine to hug.
He kept hugging me until I calmed down from the trauma of my day.
This is not just another sad story about a schoolgirl who was bullied.
What I’m trying to tell you here
is the power of this unique physical affection
that is not common for Japanese kids.
For 30 years, I’ve wondered
if hugging might be the missing piece in our culture.
When I was seven,
on our way back from a musical event at my elementary school,
I could tell my mom was so proud of me,
but her grip told a different story.
Soon after, she broke the news that my friend took his own life.
My first thought at the moment:
“Could I have done anything to help him?”
Reflecting back now, that could have been anyone.
That could have been me.
I believe hugs from my parents
kept me alive.
Could hugs have saved him?
I don’t know, and I will never know.
But why wait until it’s too late to hug the person you care about?
Most of us blame ourselves and wonder if we could have done anything,
once it’s too late.
Throughout my life,
hugs from my family gave me the will and power
to overcome any hardships.
Well, I was just an ordinary Japanese girl who was born in Brazil.
My dad also was an ordinary Japanese dad.
However, in Brazil, where my family lived for a couple of years,
at my dad’s work,
everyone hugged each other all the time.
And then, he picked up this “unusual habit”
and hugged me every day.
When I was three, we moved back to Japan.
And the first thing I asked was,
“Daddy, where are the hugs?”
I saw parents picking up their kids.
They would just smile and take their hands and go.
I was like, “Really, only a smile?
Nothing more?”
When I turned 20,
I moved to Canada with zero English,
but determined to learn to speak like a native.
I was disappointed that I sounded like a baby when I spoke English.
That was my first time traveling alone.
Going to a foreign country on my own,
for the first time -
Shhh, that was scary.
As I arrived at the host family’s house
in early March,
my host mother took me to the basement without windows and said,
“Here’s your room.”
It was freezing cold with only one thin blanket on my bed.
(Japanese) “Hold on, this can’t be right!”
(English) But I couldn’t express it
in English.
I was shivering from the cold, crying,
wearing five layers of clothes to survive the first night.
Next morning, I encouraged myself, went to my housemother and said,
“Madam,
cold.”
Then she sighed, “Pffffff,”
came to the basement and said,
“It’s not cold at all.”
I burst into tears,
froze for a moment,
and the only thing I could say was,
“Thank you.”
Of course, I didn’t mean it.
I was sitting alone on my bed thinking
she couldn’t care less about me.
A few minutes later, her two-year-old daughter came to me.
Maybe she wanted to play,
and she saw my eyes dripping with tears.
Then she instantly opened her tiny arms,
and hugged me, smiling.
Before this moment, I felt so unwelcome in this house like a Japanese intruder.
But her warm spontaneous hug touched my heart.
And that was all I needed at that moment to push through.
As a 20-year-old,
you might think I was old enough to deal with this kind of emotional turmoil.
But for my whole life,
I had relied on my dad’s hugs to overcome such challenges,
and he wasn’t there.
That was 17 years ago.
The main motivation
leading me on this journey to spread the gospel of hugs
is actually what happened three years ago.
It was a normal day.
I got up in the morning, as usual,
getting ready for work.
When I checked my phone, I saw five missed calls from my mom.
And she never calls me so early.
I instantly knew something was wrong.
My dad,
who was the most ambitious, active, health-conscious person,
suddenly passed away.
He was telling me how excited he was to go on a birthday trip with mom,
which was supposedly a week after.
He didn’t have any precondition or disease,
but suddenly got sick and was gone overnight.
I rushed to my home and saw him lying on the floor,
with his eyes closed.
I tried to hug him,
but his body was stiff and cold.
Of course, he didn’t hug me back.
His hugs were always a remedy for my struggles.
But this time, when I needed it the most,
he couldn’t hug me.
One of the biggest gifts that I got from my dad
was the healing power of hugs.
When someone asked,
“Are you okay?”
I thought,
“How could I be?”
although I know that they all cared about me.
But what I truly hope to get was their sincere heartfelt hugs.
Especially in Japanese culture,
we are kind of forced to maintain a strong image,
and are expected to say, “We are okay,” even when we are not.
I’d rather have a hug.
And that was everything I needed at that moment.
Anxiety, self-doubt, loneliness, and depression.
These are the things that most of us go through
when we are in the dark moments of our lives.
And unfortunately, these are the key underlying factors for suicide.
On average, 57 people commit suicide, every single day in Japan.
I’ve been talking about life-saving hugs,
but it’s not just my feeling.
Researchers across the globe
have found that there are indeed measurable health benefits of hugging,
such as reducing anxiety, increasing oxytocin, and so on.
Now, what is a real hug?
It’s about pressure,
which means it’s not a near hug, or a mental hug.
But it's a really physical hug.
When I told my story of life-saving hugs to a lady in a local park, she said,
“Of course, I hug my kids all the time,
in my mind.”
That’s not enough.
There is an interesting study from Tohoku University,
involving a hundred pairs of parents and newborns,
to see the effects of 20-second-long physical hugs.
They measured the pressure of the hugs with some special gloves,
and also the heart rate of the kids.
As you can imagine,
the middle-pressure hug had the best calming effect.
Not too little. Not too much.
One survey from Belle Maison, in Japan:
They found that parents typically stop showing physical affection to their kids
when they turn around seven years old,
due to them becoming more shy or busy.
One boy from the survey says he envies his parents’ smartphone.
One scientist called Temple Grandin
found that when she puts her stress cows in a small cubicle for inoculation
and applied some pressure,
the cows calm down.
This led to the invention of the hugging machine
for kids with autism,
and that actually helps them.
Raise your hand if you hug someone every day.
One, two, three.
Now, people outside of Japan may think, “Oh, no, these people are so cold.”
But that doesn’t mean that we are, right?
Just that hugging as adults has never been part of our culture.
When we greet friends,
no matter how excited we are,
we don’t hug.
Neither do we when we are sad.
Hugs between adults are considered as a private couple thing.
But not something that you would do with friends, family, colleagues,
or acquaintances in public.
I understand that keeping a distance shows respect in our culture.
But I promise you,
a hug from the right person at the right time
can make a huge difference in someone’s life.
In Japan, we’ve been taught for a long time
to be emotionally independent
and suffer behind our smiles.
We never know, people might be crying underneath.
Some people might call this an imported culture.
Some people may judge you, but they will judge you anyway.
If hugs can make someone stay a better one,
I would gladly take the judgment.
Thinking about it now, without my dad’s hugs,
I wouldn’t be here on this stage at all.
I wish I could tell that to my dad
and hug him.
But since I can’t,
I decided to share it with you all.
After three years of missing my dad so badly,
I feel I really need to pass on his greatest legacy.
(Japanese) To conclude, if you believe in the power of hugs,
I’d like to ask you something.
Think about someone important to you that you would like to hug.
You can imagine the smile of that person when you hug her.
Some of you might feel timid.
So was my father, he was not a natural hugger.
My father has adopted the habit of hugging,
and he has saved my life.
Hugs and love are not only for couples.
Parents who have lost their child to the tsunami,
the last word they have told their child was,
“Go to school! Did you do your homework?”
Some told me with regret, “I wished I had hugged my child
instead of these last words.”
Hugs express emotions that have found no words to be described.
When I’m so troubled that I can’t find the right words,
I have the habit to hug my friends for a long time, like this,
to ask for their help.
I don’t know how many times I had hugged my dad.
But -
it was not enough at all.
When you hug a person dear to you,
he or she might be very surprised.
Explain to them it is my influence.
Tell them it’s because Maria, in TEDxAwaji, has suggested to do so.
And then, explain to them the power of hugs.
The world can change with a hug given from the heart.
And when you will hug a person dear to you from the bottom of your heart,
that person will know what you feel.
Thank you.
(Applause)