How can I be a good parent to young adults? Here are some tips and techniques for success.
Parenting young adults is a whole different experience from parenting
children or even teenagers, and there are some common pitfalls. I'm Dr. Paul
Jenkins. I've been consulting with parents professionally for almost 30 years now,
and I've got four of my own young adults. I'm going to share with you three tips
and three techniques that will help you to have a great experience as you
parent these young adults. Tip number one, get really clear about what you control
and what you don't. And there's a little hint here, most of what's going on in your young
adult's life, you don't control. What do you control? Well, you control what you provide.
You control your own attitude. You control how you show up, and I invite you to put
your focus on those items. Years ago, I was doing a little home improvement project
that involves some plumbing and I don't know anything about plumbing. I'm a psychologist.
So I call my dad, he knows a lot of stuff and he said, Paul, there's only two rules to plumbing.
Okay, that'd be helpful. What are they? Water runs downhill.
That's rule number one. Rule number two, don't lick your fingers. Okay,
well, that's good to know if you're replacing a toilet, right. I think parenting young adults
is very similar. Some things you control and other things you don't. That's rule number one.
That's the water runs downhill. It's just a natural law and rule number two, don't lick your
fingers. Meaning pay attention to what you control and put your energy into that instead of getting
all tied up in knots about the things that you don't control. And one of the reasons this is so
important is because effective positive parenting is based on understanding control and maturity.
It's not the purpose of this video to get into that whole model,
but I'll give you a copy of it. Just go to the URL that's on the screen right now
drpauljenkins.com/stages. Pick up the model. It's totally free. I'm giving that to
you as a gift and notice that it's about stage, not age. Stage, meaning,
stages of moral development. Our kids, regardless of their age, are going to
be primarily in one of the three stages that I describe in that model. If your young adult is
still operating at a lower stage, we're gonna handle that differently than if they are at a
higher stage of moral development. So you'll see what I mean when you pick up the model.
Once again, drpauljenkins.com/stages. Tip number two, somebody has to be attached to the
outcomes. If it's you, it's not your child. Meaning your young adult child. Notice that
what you get all bent outta shape or tied in knots about is usually something that they
control. In tip number one we talked about, get clear about what you control and what you don't.
Because if you get attached to something you don't control, you are at the mercy of the
decisions of whoever controls it. If you are attached to it, they don't have to be. So your
detachment from the outcomes is going to make a huge difference here, and it will change how
you show up. If you are really attached to their outcomes, you're probably going to remind them.
Now we call it reminding, they call it nagging or something even worse.
If we're detached from the outcomes, we can put our attachment energy back into where
it should be which is the relationship. Not the outcomes, the relationship. This
will be easier to do if you follow tip number three. Your job is to love them no matter what
and even if. Well, even if those outcomes happen that I don't want? Yes. Especially
then. Even if they fail in whatever it is that they're trying to do? Yes. Even if they're
arrested and taken to jail? Yes. Play the even if game if you need to. No matter what and even
if. Your job is to love them. When you remember that, you can detach from the outcomes better.
It's not your job to make sure that they anything. In fact,
check it out. How are you doing at that? Making sure that they. Yeah, you kind stink
at that. You're not very good at that at all. Why? Because you don't control it. So you're
detaching from the outcomes and getting back to your job, which is to love them no matter what
and even if. Okay, can you see already how this is changing the energy of the
interaction? I'll give you those three specific techniques that you can apply
based on these tips. As soon as you take a moment to subscribe,
will you do that next? Just hit that subscribe button and share this video with others.
Cuz you know some other parents who are scratching their head about this right now too, don't you?
All right, so here's a few techniques that you can specifically implement right away. Technique
number one, set up a family gathering, and I'm talking about some kind of a regular basis, family
gathering. The way Vicki and I do this in our home is something that we call Jenkins Junction.
Jenkins is our family name, and junction means we're coming together. None of our
adult sons live in the same state that we do. So we set up this gathering on
Zoom and it's on a regular basis. So every second Sunday of the month at
7:00 PM we get together on Zoom and we have a little Jenkins junction.
You might be thinking, uh, we're not at that point. My kids don't wanna talk to me,
or they don't want to come around. We're gonna be working on that. Okay? You're changing the
dynamics. If you've been in a position before where you're really attached to the outcomes,
they're probably trying to avoid you a little.
As you get focused on those three tips, that dynamic starts to shift and change.
But here's what I can say about this technique. You are responsible for
the invitation not for the response. So don't withhold the invitation just because
you're afraid that they won't accept it. Go ahead and put the invitation out there.
You are responsible for the invitation, not the response. Technique number two,
become an engaged observer and fan of your adult children rather than an advisor or advice giver.
You can give advice if they ask for it, but even then I would be cautious about
telling them what to do. Probably you don't know what the best answers are for them.
Now this is gonna go against some of your training as a parent because we're kind of trained, taught,
and educated to think the parents know best. As I get farther into my own experience with that,
I'm not so sure that that's true. In fact, I kind of hope, and don't you as well,
that your children are smarter than you are. Because if they are,
maybe they've got ideas about how to move forward with their life that
don't even make sense to me, but would turn out to be the best things for them
to do. Humility is defined by giving up our need to be right
in exchange for being open. How would that feel? If you could simply be open.
So we're stepping back from that I need to fix them or correct them or make sure that they,
whatever, or the judgmental, oh, I don't approve of how they're running their life.
Just notice if that's showing up anywhere. Step away from that and into the curious,
engaged observer role. You get to be their greatest fan as you sit back and
watch the miracle unfold of whatever their life's going to be. That's the position,
okay? That's the energy that we're trying to create.
Technique number three has to do with three specific messages that you can
practice sending or at least thinking when it comes to your adult children
and here they are. Message number one, I love you no matter what and even if.
One of my sons helped me to see that, yeah, we already know that you love us.
I wanna know that you choose us. And I love that he pointed that out to me because it involves,
hey, look, I don't control your life anymore, but I choose to be present
with you because not only because I love you, but because I am intensely interested
in whatever it is that you're doing. So that energy, I love you no matter what
and even if. Message number two, if you have any questions,
ask. We're not going to cram it down their throat. That irritates and annoys young
adults. It irritates and annoys teens and children too. We're not gonna try to force
our ideas or opinion upon them. We're simply going to be available should they ever ask
and even then, we're gonna be cautious. If you have any questions ask. And then message number three,
good luck. Which is our acknowledgement that we don't control this, they do. But we wish them
well as they move forward with whatever choices they're going to make for themselves. This way,
we put ourselves in a position where it's more likely that we can actually maintain a healthy,
satisfying relationship with our young adult children.
I hope that helps, and I want to hear from you if it does, or even if it doesn't,
reach out to me. And remember, I offered you a tool earlier, the stages of moral development.
Go get that. It's gonna make some sense to you as you look at your role as a parent,
drpauljenkins.com/stages, and I'll put it right in your inbox.