- [David] I'm David, what's your name?
- Lam. - I (bleep) knew it.
- This is Crack Me Up, (emoji laughing)
the show where two comedians battle
to see who has the best jokes in the school yard.
The goal is to make whoever's
in the hot seat laugh the most.
The catch is the hot seat
will try their hardest not to crack.
Round one is a tit-for-tat style speed round.
The comedians will have 90 seconds to go joke for joke.
Each laugh gets a point, most point wins the round, got it?
Let's go. (bell rings)
- So, down, I think it's deep down in there,
if you look in there, 'cause I had a issue the other day.
- Oh, God. (laughs) (bell pings)
- Hey, do you want to see a live version of Saturn?
- All right. (comedians laughs)
- I don't get it. (buzzer buzzes)
- Hey, can we get somebody who--
- Saturn was a planet, brother.
- Did you know that David left his Jabberwocky mask here?
- Oh, I see now. (buzzer buzzes)
- You want to make jokes?
Look, I'm Teresa's labias.
There you go. - Ew, no. (laughs)
(bell pings) - She laughed, got it.
- You ever had the clap? (clapper claps)
- Oh. (laughs) (bell pings)
- This is what Rome's mom looks like
every time she took him to school in the morning.
(comedians laugh) (buzzer buzzes)
It's cause you're white, you don't get it.
(comedians laugh) - You are a racist.
- Punkie left her strap-on over here, I don't know if you
want to take it home? - Ooh, yeah,
(buzzer buzzes) I'm good.
That's kind of gross.
- Girl, stop acting like you wouldn't take it.
(everyone laughs)
- Well, let's see this, I know white people are racist.
Hello, does this work? (bell pings)
Oh my god, it worked, are you (bleep) kidding me?
(everyone laughs)
Yo, tell me right now, black people, real quick,
you knew the (bleep) roller joke.
Tell me she did not--
(everyone laughs) - (bleep) Dude.
- [Rome] She's still laughing, those are points.
- Yo, Charlie, how did you not
get the (bleep) Saturn joke, tell me?
- You got one. - Hello.
- I'm just fishing for a joke.
- Cute. (buzzer buzzes)
(bell ringing)
- [Announcer] In this round, each comedian has
60 uninterrupted seconds to tell their best jokes.
Each laugh gets a point, most points wins the round.
- Men are from Mars. - Uh oh.
- Women are from Venus. - Uh oh.
- Both of you-- - Don't say it.
- May not have penises.
(everyone laughs)
(bell pings)
- [David] Okay, that made me laugh.
- [Punkie] He laughed.
- Heard you got a fiancee so I don't want to get flirty,
I thought you was wearing off-white
but you shirt's just dirty. (laughs)
(everyone laughs)
- Oh, hilarious. (bell pings)
- That's funny because I'm also poor.
(everyone laughs)
- Listen, the joke, you should think of another,
you look like an Asian train conductor. (laughs)
(everyone laughs)
(bell pings) - Ey, ey, ey, you don't hug
in battle rap, chill, hey, bitch.
- Yeah, yeah, good stuff. - Yeah, yeah.
- If we talkin' about rap, homie...
- Oh, (bleep) who is this, who is this?
- I already said the word faster.
You stupid, you look like a Haitian youth pastor.
(everyone laughs) (bell pings)
- What?
- This is the last (bleep), and the last bar I'm going to say.
You so dark, when you stand next to that wall,
you just look like an alleyway.
(everyone laughs) (bell pings)
- This an alleyway? - He like this.
(bell rings)
- [Announcer] The third and final round
is called Word Play.
In this round each comedian will rip off
the word they pull from the hat.
Most laughs not only win the round, but the game.
- Becky, is that yo' mom's name?
- [David] That's funny.
(everyone laughs)
- [Rome] Come on, go on, then.
(buzzer buzzes) (Rome groans)
- You can't force one out, that's not a dookie, come on now.
Hairstyles, something that you might need to change.
(everyone laughs) (bell pings)
- That's a good one.
Jobs, come on now.
This is what I'm going to be out of.
(everyone laughs)
- I don't need a good joke, I pass.
- Here we go, pets,
something white people like more than their kids.
(everyone laughs)
- [Rome] That's,
(bell pings) that's a good one.
Okay, lickety split, that's Punkie's nickname.
(everyone laughs) (bell pings)
- That's good. - Ey, you made me laugh.
- I lick it, then I split.
(everyone laughs)
- The cookout, what I'm not invited to.
(Charlie laughs) (buzzer buzzes)
- Pumpernickel, you eat this on all your sandwiches.
(everyone laughs) (bell pings)
- What is pumpernickel? - Pumpernickel bread.
- Hey, it worked. (bell rings)
- [Announcer] Round three ended in a tie,
so that means we're hitting a bonus round, The Roast.
Let's get it.
- You look like a kid that Michael Jackson adopted.
(everyone laughs) And escaped.
(bell pings)
You actually look like Michael Jackson.
(everyone laughs)
- You look like you sat down in the barber chair and said,
"Ey, do half a job."
(everyone laughs) (bell pings)
You look like vanilla,
iced tea. (everyone laughs)
You look like pre-teen wolf.
(everyone laughs) (bell pings)
I think I came back strong. - Pre-teen wolf.
(bell rings)
- [Announcer] And the winner is Rome.
- Aw, (bleep). - Oh!
- It was that pre-teen wolf joke.
- It was the pre-teen.
You know what I'm saying?
- Pre-teen wolf, that's what won it.
(everyone laughs)
- Yeah, (bleep) yeah.
I just want to thank all the Haitian and Jamaican teachers
out there. (everyone laughs)
Doing their thing, I'm just tryna,
ey, I appreciate you all, man.
We out, man. - We out.