SPEAKING OF THE END OF THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION --
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
WERE WE TALKING ABOUT THAT?
I CAN'T REMEMBER.
I DON'T KNOW.
DO YOU GUYS REMEMBER THE BEGINNING OF THE TRUMP
ADMINISTRATION?
SEVEN MONTHS AGO, SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
JIM, DO WE HAVE A PICTURE OF WHAT I LOOKED LIKE BACK THEN?
THERE YOU GO.
YEAH.
YOU'LL RECALL THAT IN THE FIRST WEEK, BACK WHEN WE WERE GIVING
HIM A CHANCE, TRUMP WAS CALLING ALL THE WORLD LEADERS, YOU KNOW,
GETTING TO KNOW THEM.
"HI, HELLO.
HI.
MY NAME IS DONALD.
I LIKE TO EAT STEAK.
WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?
HELLO?
HELLO?" ( PIANO RIFF )
( LAUGHTER ) TWO OF THE CALLS WERE WITH THE
PRESIDENT OF MEXICO AND THE PRIME MINISTER OF AUSTRALIA.
RUMOR IS, THE CALLS DID NOT GO WELL.
FIRST, TRUMP TALKED TO MEXICAN PRESIDENT ENRIQUE PEÑA NIETO
AND, WENT HE GOT OFF THE PHONE, SAID, "GREAT NEWS, THEY'RE
PAYING FOR THE WALL."
BUT PEÑA NIETO SAID, "QUE ESTAS HABLANDO, WILLIS?"
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERING )
>> Jon: WHAT YOU TALKING ABOUT, WILLIS?
>> Stephen: WILLIS KNOW SPANISH?
( LAUGHTER ) SO, WHO DO YOU BELIEVE?
THE GUY WHO DENIED IT?
OR THE GUY WHO WAS LYING?
THERE WAS NO WAY TO KNOW-- UNTIL THIS MORNING, WHEN THE
"WASHINGTON POST" PUBLISHED FULL TRANSCRIPTS OF TRUMP'S CALLS
WITH THE LEADERS OF MEXICO AND AUSTRALIA.
OKAY?
MEXICO AND AUSTRALIA.
OR AS TRUMP REFERS TO THEM, "BAD HOMBRESTAN" AND "KOALA LAMPUR."
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
THAT'S WHERE THAT IS, RIGHT?
NOW, THESE TRANSCRIPTS SHOULD NOT HAVE BEEN LEAKED.
THERE HAS TO BE SOMETHING THE PRESIDENT CAN SAY TO OTHER WORLD
LEADERS WHERE HE CAN SPEAK FRANKLY OR NOTHING CAN GET DONE.
SO BAD LEAKER, SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE IT.
BUT YOU DID, SO LET'S JUST KEEP GOING.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, WITH MEXICAN PRESIDENT PEÑA
NIETO, TRUMP SHOWED THAT HE REALLY DIDN'T CARE ABOUT THE
WALL, SAYING, "BELIEVE IT OR NOT, THIS IS THE LEAST IMPORTANT
THING WE ARE TALKING ABOUT."
OH, I BELIEVE IT.
BECAUSE PEÑA NIETO SAID THIS: "MY POSITION HAS BEEN AND WILL
CONTINUE TO BE VERY FIRM, SAYING THAT MEXICO CANNOT PAY FOR THAT
WALL."
"BUT YOU CANNOT SAY THAT TO THE PRESS.
THE PRESS IS GOING TO GO WITH THAT AND I CANNOT LIVE WITH
THAT.
YOU CANNOT SAY THAT TO THE PRESS."
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) NO, LISTEN --
"HERE'S WHAT YOU DO.
JUST LIE TO THEM AND, LATER WHEN YOU'RE CAUGHT, CALL IT FAKE
NEWS.
IT WORKS."
( LAUGHTER ) THEN, TRUMP TRIED TO CONVINCE
PEÑA NIETO THAT THE WALL WAS HIS PROBLEM TOO.
"THE FACT IS WE ARE BOTH IN A LITTLE BIT OF A POLITICAL BIND
BECAUSE I HAVE TO HAVE MEXICO PAY FOR THE WALL-- I HAVE TO."
( LAUGHTER ) YES, THEY WERE BOTH IN A BIND.
TRUMP NEEDS MEXICO TO PAY FOR THE WALL, AND PEÑA NIETO NEEDS
TO GET HIS ENTIRE STAFF IN HERE QUICK TO LISTEN TO THIS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
SAY IT AGAIN!
( PIANO RIFF ) ( LAUGHTER )
THEN TRUMP STARTING TALKING SMACK ABOUT AMERICA: "I WON NEW
HAMPSHIRE BECAUSE NEW HAMPSHIRE IS A DRUG-INFESTED DEN."
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) NO, NO, LISTEN!
YOU'VE GOT TO GIVE IT TO HIM.
IT'S RIGHT THERE ON THE WELCOME SIGN --
WELCOME TO NEW HAMPSHIRE: A DRUG-INFESTED DEN.
( LAUGHTER ) HEY, DONALD, YOU'RE THE
PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES!
IT'S LIKE BEING A PARENT.
YOU HAVE TO LOVE ALL THE STATES EQUALLY, EVEN IF ONE OF THEM IS
ERIC.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AND NEW HAMPSHIRE?
WHY?
I DON'T -- IN SUMMATION, HE LIED -- AGAIN.
THE NEXT DAY TRUMP HAD A CALL WITH AUSTRALIAN PRIME MINISTER
AND GUY EXPLAINING THE REVERSE TOILET WATER THING FOR THE LAST
DAMN TIME, MALCOLM TURNBULL.
AT THE TIME, PEOPLE SAID TRUMP LASHED OUT AT THE AUSTRALIAN
PRIME MINISTER ON THE PHONE CALL.
TRUMP VEHEMENTLY DENIED THIS STORY: "WE HAD A GREAT TELEPHONE
CALL.
YOU GUYS EXAGGERATED THAT CALL.
THAT WAS A BIG EXAGGERATION.
WE'RE NOT BABIES."
( LAUGHTER ) "NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME.
I'VE GOT A LOAD IN MY PANTS.
REINCE, IT'S BOOM-BOOM TIME."
( LAUGHTER ) ROUGH RIFF COME ON.
WARM IT UP.
WARM IT.
WARM UP THE WIPES.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT NOW WE HAVE A TRANSCRIPT OF
THAT CALL AND... HE LIED AGAIN.
BECAUSE TRUMP WAS REALLY UPSET ON THE PHONE CALL ABOUT A DEAL
PRESIDENT OBAMA MADE ABOUT ACCEPTING REFUGEES WHO WERE
WAITING IN AUSTRALIA, SAYING, "MALCOLM, WHY IS THIS SO
IMPORTANT?
I DO NOT UNDERSTAND.
THIS IS GOING TO KILL ME.
I AM THE WORLD'S GREATEST PERSON THAT DOES NOT WANT TO LET PEOPLE
INTO THE COUNTRY."
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) WAIT, HOLD ON -- I'D BOO, TOO,
BUT I CAN'T FIGURE OUT WHAT HE'S SAYING.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
IS HE THE WORLD'S GREATEST PERSON, BUT HE DOESN'T WANT THEM
HERE?
OR IS HE THE WORLD'S GREATEST PERSON AT KEEPING THEM OUT?
OR IS THAT JUST HOW TRUMP DESCRIBES HIMSELF, NO MATTER
WHAT HE'S DOING?
"HELLO, DOMINOS.
I AM THE WORLD'S GREATEST PERSON, WHO WOULD LIKE A MEDIUM
PEPPERONI."
THANK YOU ( LAUGHTER )
GREATEST.
( PIANO RIFF ) ( LAUGHTER )
TRUMP EXPRESSED IN NO UNCERTAIN TERMS WHY HE DIDN'T WANT THEIR
DAMN REFUGEES.
"I HATE TAKING THESE PEOPLE.
I GUARANTEE YOU THEY ARE BAD.
THEY ARE NOT GOING TO BE WONDERFUL PEOPLE WHO GO ON TO
WORK FOR THE LOCAL MILK PEOPLE."
( LAUGHTER ) ( BOOING )
( PIANO RIFF ) LOCAL.
MILK.
PEOPLE.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: IS THAT A BAND?
>> Stephen: IS THAT THE NAME OF A BAND?
>> Jon: YEAH, I THINK SO.
>> Stephen: LOCAL MILK PEOPLE?
>> Jon: LOCAL MILK PEOPLE.
>> Stephen: "WE ARE THE LOCAL MILK PEOPLE!
THANK YOU, CHICAGO!" OR ARE THEY A RACE OF "STAR
TREK" ALIENS?
"WE ARE THE MILK PEOPLE OF CREAMOLON FIVE.
MAY THE KURDS BE WITH YOU."
( LAUGHTER ) COME WITH US INTO THE CAVE --
FOR SOMEONE WHO TALKS CONSTAN ABOUT REPRESENTING THE FORGOTTEN
MEN AND WOMEN, HE CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER THE JOB "DAIRY
FARMER."
( LAUGHTER ) "I CARE SO MUCH ABOUT THE
FORGOTTEN AMERICANS.
I WILL PROTECT THE SMALL TOWN JOBS OF THE MILK PEOPLE AND THE
UNDERGROUND-SHOVELLING- ELECTRICITY FOLKS, AND THE
MAKE-THE-CORN-NOT-BE-ON-THE- PLANT-BUT-IN-MY-MOUTH GUYS!"
( LAUGHTER ) I LOVE THOSE GUYS --
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
THEN HIGH-ENERGY DON, ONE WEEK INTO HIS PRESIDENCY, JUST GIVES
UP.
"I HAVE HAD IT.
I HAVE BEEN MAKING THESE CALLS ALL DAY, AND THIS IS THE MOST
UNPLEASANT CALL ALL DAY.
PUTIN WAS A PLEASANT CALL."
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) "I GOTTA TELL YA, PUTIN WAS SO
EASY.
I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE TO DIAL.
I JUST PICKED UP THE PHONE AND HE WAS LISTENING."