To make a Turkey Sandwich of Justice,
you're going to need all of the ingredients from a turkey dinner,
but since making a full turkey dinner is a lot of work,
step 1 is to trick someone into making a full turkey dinner for you.
*whispers* Thanks, Mom
One approach is to check your book of favors to see who owes you one.
This approach is risky because it opens the door for
someone to call on you for a favor in the future, which is totally unacceptable.
A better approach is to use the power of the subconscious mind.
For example, instead of saying
"I'd really like to hang out with you this weekend,"
say that while weaving in the sentence
"Please make me a turkey dinner," so it comes out as
"I'd please really make like me to hang turkey out with dinner you next weekend."
If they call you out on what appears to be a bad sentence,
publicly humiliate them for not being up on millennial language trends.
Then hundo p dipset because you can't even.
Another approach is to invent a fake holiday
that revolves around eating a turkey dinner
and pressure a friend to participate.
Call it something like "Thank Turkey Day"
or "Yummy Turkey Dinner Sharesies Day"
or "Ganksthiving" or some other dumb name.
If that fails, it's time to try to trick yourself.
Say things like "This will be fun" or "It won't be that much work"
as you head to the grocery store full of naïve optimism.
Step 2 is to secure the leftovers.
The most straightforward way is to wear a Tupperware bodysuit to dinner.
If someone calls you out on what you're wearing,
publicly humiliate them for not being up on millennial fashion trends.
Another approach is to simply slip the food into your pants bag.
This has the benefit of keeping the food warm
until you can safely escape.
The final and most covert way to secure the leftovers
is to have a second stomach surgically installed
and simply swallow your food into the second stomach
and regurgitate the ingredients later.
Warning: this method is a bit pricey.
Step 3 is to walk through a cornfield wasteland
while contemplating your death.
Step 4 is to secure a private location.
If anyone sees you making a Turkey Sandwich of Justice,
they're gonna want a bite and this is not the time to share.
Hello?
OTHER PERSON: -What are you doing in there?
YSAC: -I'm just playing poker with myself.
OTHER PERSON: -'Kay, I need to piss.
YSAC: -'Kay, I'll be out of here in ten.
OTHER PERSON: -Thanks!
YSAC: -The fifth and final step is to assemble the Turkey Sandwich of Justice.
We're going to start by pulling the turkey apart.
If you put one big slab of turkey onto a sandwich,
I hope you live in a world with a different set of physics
because everything is just gonna squirt out of the sandwich.
You really want to have high density awareness
when you make this sandwich.
Take some tin foil and put the turkey down in the shape of your bread.
The nice thing about cold mashed potatoes
is it's easy to make perfect flat slices.
Spoon on a layer of gravy AKA stuffing glue.
And mix in a little hot sauce.
Gently press on a layer of stuffing.
Now grate some cheddar on top.
Sweet Lord Almighty, what have we done?
Now you want to pull this off of the table
and onto your hand,
and put it in the onion on low, say 250 or 300.
Thinly slice some dill pickles.
A couple minutes before it's fully warmed up, toast some bread.
As soon as it's out, hitting the bottom with mayo
and the top with sour cream.
You want to do this right away so that the bread doesn't dry out.
Then take your hot Ingredients of Justice
and you lift that into place.
Smother this with cranberry sauce.
Layer the dill pickles.
[SIGH]
How can you not love the contrast of these colors?
Put on some salt, some pepper, pepper, pepper,
throw on your sour cream bread.
and give that a nice slice.
Do a structural integrity test.
I'm one-handing this with a very loose grip
and I've got approximately zero problems.
And there you have it: The Turkey Sandwich of Justice
as designed by my friend Ryan.
Justice is served and I'd just like to wish everybody
a happy Yummy Turkey Dinner Sharesies Day. Enjoy.
♫ You suck at Yummy Turkey Dinner Sharesies Day ♫
♫ Oh my god, you ♫
♫ You suck at Yummy Turkey Dinner Sharesies Day ♫
♫ Oh my god, you suck so much ♫
♫ at Yummy Turkey Dinner Sharesies Day ♫
♫ You suck so much ♫
♫ at Yummy Turkey Dinner Sharesies Day, you ♫