Let's begin with the big news from Great Britain.
For three years, Prime Minister Theresa May
has been trying to make Brexit work,
but now the only thing Brexiting is her.
NEWSMAN: Tonight, high political drama in London.
After months of intense pressure and speculation,
British Prime Minister Theresa May
finally giving up the job she'd always wanted,
throwing in the towel.
I will shortly leave the job
that it has been the honor of my life to hold.
I do so with no ill will
but with enormous and enduring gratitude
to have had the opportunity
to serve the country I love.
AUDIENCE: Aw.
Aw!
That was really sad.
But, yes, Theresa May has resigned
as prime minister of Great Britain.
And this really was a metaphor for Brexit, this whole moment,
because she says she's leaving as prime minister
and then goes back into the prime minister's house.
Like, I thought you were leaving.
Shouldn't you go the other way?
It would've been funny, though, if that door was locked
and she couldn't get back in.
If she was just like, "The country that I love.
"H-Hello? Hello?
"It's-it's locked. Barry, open up!
Barry, it's the prime minister!"
"Actually, ma'am, you resigned.
We changed the locks when you were crying outside."
I'll also... I'll also never get over the fact
that the prime minister's house in the U.K.
just opens out onto the street.
Like, this is their White House, right? But it looks like
you could just slip a Chinese menu under the door.
Like, can you imagine running your government
but having to deal with being on a regular block, you know?
It's just like, "We must mobilize our forces
"to protect... Shh!
"There's kids at the door trying to sell candy.
"Everyone act like we're not here.
Act like we're not here."
All right, moving on.
Uh, if you're sick and tired of the traffic
and you just want to get away, bad news.
Away has traffic, too.
Alarming concerns with overcrowding
at the top of Mount Everest.
NEWSWOMAN: A human traffic jam.
Climbers packed like sardines,
waiting to summit the world's highest peak.
Overcrowding in the so-called death zone
can be especially dangerous because oxygen is scarce.
We saw a climber that had taken a fall,
um, had obviously, um, you know, hit their head, lost their life,
and that climber was fixed to the safety lines.
And every single person that had to climb that night
had to step over, you know, that person's lifeless body.
Okay, I feel bad for anyone that has died,
but I do have a question.
Why are we still climbing Mount Everest?
This is a very serious question I have.
Like, it's extremely dangerous. And don't ask me.
Just ask all the dead bodies that are up there.
They don't randomly show up.
Also, the guy said it was a safety line.
If the person died on a safety line,
then it's not a safe line.
All of this shit is crazy.
And then he's like, "And we had to step over..."
No, you don't have to step over the body.
Like, you don't have to.
That's a choice that you are making, my man.
Let me tell you something. Anytime I see a dead body,
-I go back the way I came. -(laughter and applause)
I say, "Thank you for the warning, dead body.
I'm out!"
(cheering and applause)
Like, I-I genuinely don't get the point.
People are just littering on Mount Everest.
Even if you get to the top of the mountain,
it's already been done.
Look how many people are climbing it.
Look at how many people are there, huh?
We're six months away from them opening a Bubba Gump's up there.
That's how commercial it's become.
And the craziest part,
the craziest part about all of this
is that the permit to climb Mount Everest
costs $11,000. Yeah.
So people are paying $11,000 to maybe die.
Yeah. Let me tell you something.
You give me $11,000, and I'll maybe kill you. Yeah.
No snow. No travel.
I'll just show up to your house with some gas station sushi
and we'll take a chance.
We'll just go into it from there.
This is, like, a wild story.
And finally, in some crazy news,
El Chapo, the infamous drug kingpin
and the world's most dangerous marshmallow,
is currently serving a life sentence
in a maximum security prison,
but people still aren't sure that he's locked up for good.
The infamous drug kingpin El Chapo
managed extraordinary escapes from two prisons in Mexico.
Now U.S. authorities worry
he is looking to do the same right here.
NEWSMAN: Prosecutors are fighting a request
by former Sinaloa cartel chief Joaquín "El Chapo" Guzmán.
The 61-year-old wants two hours of outdoor exercise a week,
earplugs to block out prison noise
and the ability to buy bottled water
at the commissary.
Prosecutors say the request
for outdoor exercise for El Chapo
is especially risky
because the only outdoor exercise space
at that Manhattan prison is on the roof.
Ah, El Chapo.
I love how everyone assumes
everything he does is always a plan to escape.
Anytime he asks for something,
we all just reverse MacGyver it in our heads.
'Cause he's like, "Could I please have
some earplugs and bottled water?"
And the guard is like, "Yeah, right.
"So you can knock me out with the bottle
"and then put the earplugs in the water,
"and then they expand, and then you can cushion your fall
"when you jump off the roof?
"Nice try. I'm not falling for that.
Don't give him any wa... Goddamn it, he took my keys!"
Like, one of the funniest details in the story
is that El Chapo is asking to go outside to work out
because he says his cell is noisy and too small,
and he doesn't get enough fresh air.
Uh, El Chapo, that's not prison.
That's just living in New York, my friend.
Yeah. That's all that is.
Wait until you see how much your rent goes up next month.
I was actually thinking-- here's my pitch--
instead of us stressing about El Chapo escaping
from a New York prison, let's just send him to Britain.
All right? Yeah. He's so good at escaping,
maybe we can just get him to help with Brexit, all right?
If anyone can figure out a way to get out
of the European Union, it'll be him.
Or, in six weeks, he'll be standing at that same podium,
like, "I tried my hardest, but I must resign.
"I cannot do this anymore. Goodbye.
"Barry. Barry, open the door.
-Goddamn it, Barry!" -(cheering and applause)