-Hello, everyone! Welcome, welcome, welcome
to "The Tonight Show,"
[ Cheering and applause ] here in Studio 6A!
[ Laughs ] You having a little trouble?
-Got caught.
[ Laughter ]
-I was watching you try to play drums -- taking it off.
[ Laughter ]
Let's get to the news and jokes.
Well, guys, with Election Day less than a week away,
the White House Science Office just put out an interesting list
of President Trump's accomplishments. Listen to this.
-The White House Science Policy Office
lists ending the pandemic as one of what it calls
the top accomplishments of the president's first term.
[ Laughter ]
-What?!
That's like the Tampa Bay Rays
listing their biggest accomplishment
as 2020 World Series champions.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Seriously, right now, the coronavirus is like,
"Ending the pandemic?
Thanks to you, we just got picked up
for three more seasons."
[ Laughter and applause ]
Keep in mind, though, the White House "Science Office"
is just Eric and Don Jr. wearing a Bill Nye Halloween costume.
[ Laughter ]
When I think of the White House Science Office,
I picture a bunch of monkeys in lab coats
running around with their fingers stuck in test tubes,
like throwing papers.
[ Laughter ]
I was pretty surprised to find out the Trump White House
has a Science Office.
It's like finding out "The Bachelorette"
has a Science Office.
[ Laughter and applause ]
To be fair, lying on his résumé
is one of the most relatable things Trump's ever done.
[ Laughter ]
I don't know how to use Excel.
Trump ended the pandemic.
Now, everyone is just living
in their parents' basement for fun.
[ Laughter ]
What an incredible claim.
Someone hasn't been that far off since...
-Fred Flintstone!
-No.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-I knew it.
I knew it. I knew it. I knew it.
[ Laughter and applause continues ]
Oh, now y'all here and y'all laughing.
[ Laughter and applause continues ]
Word? Okay.
[ Laughter and applause continues ]
-Whoo! -Oh, my God.
That was close. Close.
[ Laughs ]
Fred Flintstone? Oh, my God.
[ Laughter ]
I mean, why even guess?
-Yeah. -Why even guess?
-Yeah. Yeah. -Oh, my gosh!
Did your phone just like explode? -Yes, yes.
[ Laughter ] Yes.
"Scooby-Doo!"
[ Laughter ] -[ Clapping ]
Oh, my gosh!
That was the funniest thing.
Oh, my God.
[ Laughter ]
Well, last night, Trump held a rally in Omaha, Nebraska,
where it was a little chilly outside.
Check out what he said.
-Is there anyplace you would rather be
than a Trump rally
[ Cheering ] on about a 10° evening, 10°?
[ Laughter ]
-It was so cold in Nebraska,
Trump almost turned into a Creamsicle.
[ Laughter ]
I don't think Trump was prepared for the weather.
When he stepped outside, it was like --
[ As Trump ] Why was that told this was a hot spot?
[ Laughter ]
Oh.
Yep, everyone was freezing.
Trump supporters were like,
"If only there was some way to keep our faces warm."
[ Laughter and applause ]
You could tell Trump was cold.
At one point, he started speaking
in front of the engines on Air Force One.
[ Laughter ]
[ Reverberating ] Make America Great Again.
Whkchkch!
[ Reverberating ] Build more wall!
[ Laughter ] We need more wall!
[ Laughter ]
Yep, Trump said it was 10°,
which is still 10 more degrees than the scientists
in the White House "Science Office" have.
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter and applause ] Take it -- Yeah.
It's alright. Yeah, that was a good one.
You do the math and that's not bad, yeah.
Fred Flintstone.
[ Laughter ]
Did she look like hopeful, too,
like it might be Fred Flintstone?
-Why did she say it with such conviction and authority?
-Yeah, but I just want to see what does her face look like
after she says it. Like is it like, "Tsk, maybe?"
Or is it like, "I'm just going to say Fred Flintstone,"
like her buddies made her do it at home.
Like, "You say Fred Flintstone, I'll give you five bucks."
-No, I think her face is like, "I killed it."
Like, "Pssh, what?!"
[ Laughter ] -Can we see it again, just --
-No! -Please, Dave?
-Fred Flintstone! -No.
[ Laughter and applause ] -Yeah, no, no.
It was hopeful. -It was hopeful.
-It was hopeful. -It was hopeful, yeah.
[ Laughter ]
-It was like when you roll that bowling ball
down the alley and you know it's headed to the gutter,
but just like -- -Anh! Maybe I got one?
-Yeah.
-Maybe I got one?
After his speech, Trump quickly left Nebraska
on Air Force One, but hundreds of his supporters
were left stranded for hours
in the frigid cold because their buses didn't show up.
Yep, some people were actually treated for hypothermia.
That's how bad it's getting for Trump --
even his supporters are turning blue.
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Playing funk ]
♪♪
Before visiting Nebraska, Trump held a rally in Michigan.
At one point, he addressed the women in the crowd
and his comments are getting a lot of attention.
Listen to what he said.
-I'm also getting your husbands.
They want to get back to work, right?
They want to get back to work.
We're getting your husbands back to work
and everybody wants it.
[ Laughter ]
It's pretty shocking because, before this,
Trump's been such a feminist.
[ Laughter ]
Next, Trump tried winning the female vote
by claiming he'd make ironing boards great again.
[ Laughter ]
I guess that comment explains why his campaign
handed out pins that said...
[ Laughter and applause ]
Some news from overseas -- with coronavirus cases rising,
Russia is putting a new safety protocol
in place. Watch this.
-Russia is introducing a national mask mandate.
People in this country are going to have to wear masks
when they're in public spaces, on public transports,
in parking lots, and inside elevators.
-It's too bad. Now, we won't be able to see
all those famous Russian smiles.
[ Laughter ]
Hey, want to say congrats to the L.A. Dodgers,
who won the World Series last night!
[ Cheering and applause ] Here's the final out of the season.
-Dave Roberts.
-Strike 3! -They got it.
-Dodgers have won it all in 2020!
-Come on.
[ Cheering ] [ Studio applause ]
Yeah, people in L.A. looked absolutely thrilled
and, this time, it wasn't just because of the Botox.
[ Laughter ]
"Oh, we lost."
[ Laughter ]
Meanwhile, when he heard the Dodgers won,
Joe Biden immediately congratulated
the people of Brooklyn.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Some entertainment news -- last night was
an all-new episode of "The Bachelorette."
Love that show. It became pretty clear
that Clare's favorite guy is Dale.
Check out what she did in some scenes. Weird.
[ Whimsical tune plays ] -Dale's pants.
I mean, they smell like him. -Let me see.
-[ Laughs ] -Let's see what size they are.
-Take a sniff. -Wow, 46. Oh, my God.
-What does that even mean? I don't know man sizes. -Oh, wow!
All night, I was like this --
I was sleeping and I was like --
-[ Laughs ]
[ Laughter ]
-Ah, yes, the classic love story -- boy meets girl,
girl sniffs boy's pants.
[ Laughter ]
Who would've guessed naked dodgeball would be
the second-most embarrassing scene
in "The Bachelorette"? [ Laughter ]
The mood really changed when a camera guy walked in and said --
[ Smoker's voice ] Oh, good. You found my pants. Thank you.
[ Laughter and applause ]
I gotta give 'em back to Dale.
Finally, Halloween is on Saturday, everyone,
and it's no surprise that political costumes
are super popular this year.
People are dressing as absentee ballots,
the Mike Pence fly, all sorts of things.
But if you still haven't picked out your costume
and need help, here, with a few suggestions,
is our "Tonight Show" Halloween correspondent,
[ Drumroll ] Julio Torres!
[ Cheering and applause ]
-Hey. Hello.
Hi, hi, hello, and boo.
[ Laughter ]
-Good to see you, Julio.
Your hair looks different.
-Well, I mean, yeah. I usually dye it,
but there's simply no time for nonsense in 2020.
[ Laughter ] So, okay, here are some political costume ideas.
You could go as...
-Oh.
[ Laughter ]
That feels maybe too specific.
What about like a mailbox or Joe Biden's aviators?
-Okay, sure, sure, sure.
Or...
[ Laughter ]
Or you could go as fracking.
Just put on a feather boa and diamond rings
and have both parties be obsessed with you,
bring you champagne and kissing your hands.
[ Laughter ]
Or you can be...
Or...
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Julio, I don't --
-No, Jimmy, no.
[ Laughter ]
You can also go as...
[ Laughter ] Hours of fun, redrawing maps,
tossing out little mailboxes,
and moving polling places away from poor neighborhoods.
[ Laughter ] -What about something recognizable
and relatable?
-Like in politics?
-Yeah.
-Okay, got it.
You could be...
[ Laughter ]
It's like, "Sweetie, you constantly have
to defend his behavior, your life is worse because of him,
and he tells you that you can't do any better.
He doesn't love you.
He needs you, and that's very different."
[ Laughter ]
Or you can be a men's body spray for Latino Trump supporters,
called Ay, Pobrecito.
[ Laughter ]
Or you can go as...
[ Laughter ] -Julio, Julio,
maybe too many Trump-inspired costumes.
-Okay, wait, but one more.
How about a recurring dream that Tiffany Trump has?
In it, she's one of Ivanka high heels
and she's happy because she gets to see a whole Ivanka day.
But then, she wonders, "Wait.
If I'm a shoe and I'm alive,
is the other shoe also alive?"
[ Laughter ] So she looks over and she sees the other shoe is not alive
and she gets freaked out and wakes up.
[ Laughter ]
But, okay, if you don't want to go
with something with Trump in the title,
you could go as...
[ Laughter ]
-Right, now, we're talking.
But what's political about...? -Well...
[ Laughter and applause ]
In this scenario,
Trump isn't the iceberg.
Trump is COVID.
The boat sank because of too much COVID.
[ Laughter ]
Or, lastly, to keep it simple, you can just be...
[ Laughter ]
-Julio Torres, everybody! [ Cheering and applause ]