I observe things.
That's what I do.
And so as a comedian, that's
what I do because listen,
I'm a little—
I've gotten jaded
over the last few years.
I've been through some really
hard times,
and we'll talk about that
here in a few minutes.
But I've become—
Just—
You can tell when you're
getting older just
because you're kind of just
more irritated.
[Audience Laughing]
And I'm told by people that get
to a certain age
that you hit this moment in life
where you just don't have a
filter, and you just don't care.
And I've kind of hit it early.
I feel like.
For this show
I knew I was going to be on
camera getting myself all
videoed.
And three weeks ago I'm like,
I need to
lose 30 pounds.
[Audience Laughing]
And after like four hours
I was like, screw this.
[Laughs]
[Audience Laughing]
Because I don't know
who needs to hear this
tonight,
but if you don't like the way
you look, just wait.
In three months, you'll wish
you looked like you do now.
[Audience Laughing]
I observe things.
I believe there's two types
of people in this world.
And by a round of applause
you guys let me know who
I'm dealing with tonight.
The first group of people,
imagine yourself in a
parking lot,
and you see two cars
about to back in to each other.
They don't know,
but they're about to hit.
Two groups of people.
How many of you are,
one, you would do anything
you can to help these people.
Don't ruin your cars.
You're going to honk.
You're going to whistle.
You're going to wave.
Okay, say—is that you?
Okay?
You're good people.
[Audience Applauding]
You're going to help
your fellow man.
You got that hero gene.
Okay.
Then there's the rest of us,
who you sit there,
and you're going to watch
these cars hit.
And you're going to go,
this could be interesting.
[Audience Laughing]
Let's see what happens.
[Audience Applauding]
We're a little younger at
this show than we are
the first show.
That's great.
All right.
Y’all took a break from
watching Mr. Beast
to come see me.
I appreciate you.
[Audience Laughing]
You older folks don't worry,
I'm not talking
about the Antichrist.
I'm talking about those
YouTubers’ names. Mr. Beast.
My girl right here she goes,
“He talks about Satan
“with such reverence.”
No, that's a YouTube.
[Audience Laughing]
Anyway so I observe things,
and I just notice.
The world, I don't think it's
any more crazier than
it's always been.
I just think we got more voices
telling us it is.
And in wake of that
we have lost all
common sense.
Early in 2023,
a bunch of Chinese balloons
were flying over top of us
and people had done lost
their minds.
What are those things doing?
They watching me?
Are they videoing me?
Can those things hear us?
Hey, Alexa, can those things
hear us?
[Audience Laughing]
Just observe.
I observed something about
you all.
Whenever I come out to this
part of the country with all
these mountains, and stuff.
Like I just—
Y’all are tougher than me.
I just tell you.
Women, too.
Y’all just more rugged.
Like, look, your backdrop
is a climbing wall.
I just
[Audience Laughing]
going to climb.
You guys are just more rugged
people down here
in the mountains.
It's a lot more Patagonia than
I’m used to seeing.
A lot more of them
finger toe shoes
that have individual pockets
for every single toe.
[Audience Laughing]
Why are we wearing those?
You guys, I don't—
those are nasty.
What in the world.
[Audience Laughing]
You’re tougher, man.
I had a guy—this is
my new favorite Utah story—
at the hotel, I met in the lobby
I had a little headache earlier,
and I asked this guy, I said,
hey, you got any ibuprofen,
aspirin.
He said, “Yeah.
“How many you need?”
I said, I don't know, 2 or 3.
He said, “Son, if you don't need
“4 pills for something
“you don't have a problem.”
I'm like, well, you might have
another problem.
Jeez-o-Pete.
I'm just not a manly guy.
I'm just not.
I'm comfortable with it.
Listen, I'm comfortable in
my own skin.
I'm a little fella.
There's not a day I wake up
surprised that
door handles are
at nipple level for me.
[Audience Laughing]
I'm cool with this.
I'm just not the manliest
of guys.
And this came
incredibly real for me
in this whole spiel.
It took a whole
global pandemic
for me to come to terms
that I do not have one single
essential skill.
[Audience Laughing]
You all here, I would imagine
if society were to crumble, you
guys would be fine.
You’d just run up with
each other into the mountains
and just barricade for
a couple of decades,
and you'd be okay.
[Audience Laughing]
I can't do that.
What am I going to do?
I don't hunt.
I don't fish.
I can't start a fire
without a significant amount
of lighter fluid.
[Audience Laughing]
When the DiGiorno pizza
runs out,
I'm, I’m gone.
Okay?
I ain't going to make it
very long, y'all.
I'd just die.
A friend of mine liked this bit.
He took me to a
Carhartt store.
He wanted to get me
Carhartt stuff
to toughen me up.
Like for real.
Because multicolored dream
coat wasn't doing it for him.
And so he takes me to this
Carhartt store and it,
it didn't help me,
because everyone in that store
looked like this guy.
Sir, it's only going to be like
15 seconds,
would you stand up
for everyone?
Look at this.
Do a twirl.
That is a specimen of
masculinity right there.
[Audience Laughing]
That is a corn bread fed Ute.
If I'd ever seen one.
Look, he's right.
That man has a full goatee.
He probably shaved last night.
That man has a lush forest
full of chest hair under there,
I would imagine.
[Audience Laughing]
That is a full grown—
and this man don't shop
for boys extra large shirts
like me.
This is a full grown man.
And everybody in that
Carhartt store was like—
I never felt so out of place
in my life,
and I've been to a
fashion show.
The walls,
the murals on the walls.
What's your name?
[Joe.]
Joe.
The murals on the wall
were Joe
[Audience Laughing]
chopping wood
with his shirt off.
All the workers at the store
were Joe
[Audience Laughing]
chopping wood
with their shirts off.
And then there’s me.
Ya’ll they looked so confused,
looking at me.
So confused.
My friend looked confused,
except he got me this
$230 sweatshirt,
which is $210 more than any
kind of clothing I've got.
I said, why is it so expensive?
He said, “Because it's
“flame retardant.”
[Audience Laughing]
I said, where do you think
I’m going?
I can't even start a fire to
light myself with.
Why do I need this?
[Audience Laughing]
I'm serious.
And again, everybody was so—
you should have seen these
people looking at little old me,
in my little jacket walking
in there.
They looked at me like,
Joe Biden
reading the teleprompter.