​​You've seen it before – girl likes boy, boy likes girl.
Boy starts acting like a boyfriend. Girl falls deeper for the boy.
Boy doesn't realize his deep seated issues, insecurities and fear of commitment will
ultimately end up breaking the girl's heart. Girl's heart gets broken.
It's a sad and common scene, which begs the following question: What should you do if you
suspect your guy is not emotionally available for a future? Stick around, and I'll explain.
I am Evan Marc Katz, the dating coach for smart, strong, successful women and your personal trainer
for love. Welcome to the Love U Podcast. Keep listening to learn what to do when he's not
ready for a relationship. When we're done, I'll let you know how you can apply to Love
U to create a passionate relationship that makes you feel safe, heard, and understood.
One of the hardest parts of relationships is that people aren't always sure what they want. We are
more emotional creatures than we are logical creatures. I remember when I was 24,
I moved to Los Angeles and I didn't know anybody and I found a girlfriend to combat loneliness.
I remember when I was 26 and my father died, suddenly I found a girlfriend to distract me
from my pain and loss. I remember when I was 27 and my career was sputtering.
I found a girlfriend who was equally miserable living at home, and we found solace,
sex and companionship. I remember when I was 32, I was reeling from getting dumped by a woman
that I really loved. I dated prolifically for a few years until I found another girlfriend.
None of these were conscious choices. There was no moment where I was thinking:
I am going to waste anybody's time. I'm going to be emotionally unavailable.
I'm going to use someone until something better comes along.
I'm filling a void in my life with companionship.
These were never conscious thoughts. I never actually used anybody, not consciously.
I was attracted to them. I was lonely. They were available. Misery loves company. And
when I ended up breaking up with each of those women, I'm sure they told some story
about how I was a player or I was a narcissist, or I was a user, or I was a commitment phobe or where
I was emotionally unavailable. Maybe the last one was true, but barely.
Who knows? It's possible there's two sides to every story. Maybe they were right.
My point in sharing this information and being personal, and it is never to make myself look
good. It is simply to point out this is not something I was trying to do to pull the wool
over anybody's eyes or deceive them. My heart was longing for some sort of connection, and I would
take anybody who paid attention to me despite my low level depression from most
of my life between 24 and 34. And I also like to say, I know it's not a good look.
I think I'm a nice guy. I think I'm one of the good ones. I think I'm an ethical person and I
come from an ethical family. Honesty is a core value. My parents stayed together. They were
intact. We were given a lot of love, self-esteem and a baseline of empathy and strong moral code.
And if I was given all these advantages and I still hurt a bunch of women,
albeit unintentionally, this is something that we should look closer at.
When you're getting a sense that a guy isn't ready for a relationship,
a guy is going to give you a bunch of signs. Not always. And it's not always going to do what's
right for you. He's not going to remember. It's not his job to take care of your emotional needs,
it's your job to take care of your emotional needs. So sometimes guys do
dove in and love them. But just as often, see these signs and feel free to write them down.
#1 He'll run hot and cold. John Gray who wrote Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus (1992)
calls it “rubber banding.” A guy gets close to you, guy pulls
away, he gets close to you, and again pulls away, which can make any person pretty darn anxious.
#2 He'll avoid escalating things. This is a guy who's like, ‘everything's fine the way it is. Why
do we have to talk about the future? Why don't we have to talk about things like marriage and
kids? And why do we have to give this a label?” This is the mark of a guy who's trying to avoid
escalating things. He just wants to stay present. He doesn't want to talk about a future, he will
probably not volunteer that he loves you, right? Because that would be too much of a commitment.
So he just hopes you enjoy each other's company and you don't ask any questions.
Similarly, he won't talk about a future, and he will assiduously avoid the topic of
marriage, kids, et cetera. Because to bring it up means that he's risking
you thinking: “maybe this guy is not a good bet”. As long as we don't talk about it, it's not there.
As long as you're afraid to bring it up because you don't want to scare him away. He gets to
keep this sort of low level relationship that he has that works for him but may not work for you.
#3 He won't make plans far out. Why? Because he's not really sure how long he plans on staying.
So the idea of RSVPing to a friend's wedding in six months or making travel plans for an
international vacation in four months is largely inconceivable to this guy because
he wants an escape route. He's not fully in it. He's enjoying it, it's not like he's
completely disingenuous about liking you or your company. It's that he's not fully available for
what happens next, which is why he does not lead those plans. And then he will also give you hints
in terms of accidentally telling on himself. He'll tell you that he's confused. He'll say,
“I don't know what I'm looking for.” He'll say, “I think you're too good for me.” He'll tell
you things like that which you will probably ignore and keep on seeing him. Even though
these are the warning signs, these are the bright yellow flags, if not red red flags.
So people in Love U know the phrase, “Believe the negatives, ignore the positives”. And
that means when you're getting all these signs that a guy is confused or ambivalent about you,
you need to have the courage to move on, not to wait for all these signs to add up and become
true. He's already told you what's true. You just didn't want to hear it, you just didn't want to
believe it. And again, you leave this guy, the ambivalent guy. Not because he's a bad guy. Bad's
a useless word for our purposes. It's not even because he has no potential, because
all the people that I dated that I ended up not being with, you know, you wouldn't write me off
as a guy who never wanted to get married. Not that I didn't have any potential. It's that
that potential wasn't going to be realized because there are real feelings involved.
When I'm telling you about the guy that you're seeing right now and you're hearing these signs,
I'm telling you things that your guy’s doing right now and you're like,
“Oh gosh, that's really hard to hear.” It's not that there aren't real feelings involved.
It's that despite all of this, despite the fact that he's a good guy, despite the fact that there
are real feelings involved, he's telling you in his way that this ultimately isn't going anywhere,
and he won't say it explicitly because he doesn't want you to leave him. These are all hints that
he's not ready for the commitment with you, that you are ready for; that you are pining for.
So the title of this podcast and video is “What To Do When He's Not Ready For A Relationship”
and the answer couldn't be simpler – DUMP HIM. Tell him you care about him,
that you wish he were in a different place, but you're looking for a future husband, not just a
guy to kill time with to combat loneliness. Wish him the best and tell him to heal.
Wish him luck in his future search and then walk out the door.
Lock him on social media, block him on your phone and do not look back. Guys like this can be very,
very convincing. But the truth is, you can tell when a guy is really into you and when he's not.
If he's not, it's not your job to convince him that he should be.
It's your job to leave, to be the CEO who fires the intern
who doesn't really want to build a future with your company.
It's not easy advice to follow, but you'll be very, very glad that you did.
My name is Evan Marc Katz. Thank you for tuning in to the Love U Podcast.
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And if you want to have an easier relationship that makes you feel safe, heard and understood.
Look for the link below or go to www.evanmarckatz.com to watch my
free video about how to gain confidence, attract quality men and fix your broken
man picker. When you're done, you can apply to Love U and join hundreds of other smart,
strong, successful women from around the world in a coaching community where women like you get the
unconditional love that you deserve. I'll see you there.