[MUSIC PLAYING]
Well, we're just chilling.
- Yeah, we're good. - You know what I mean?
Just chilling. You know what I mean?
Chilling like a Jonas Brother.
That's right.
DESUS: Damn, daddy!
"Tyler Perry drives the ladies crazy with
'Zaddy-ish' Instagram post."
He's like, yo, check out my Alex Cross.
Right? Remember that?
Remember he was like, hey, I'm a superhero?
And we was like, ah, ah, ah! No, sir!
Yo! Ah!
No, sir!
We're not buying it, Tyler. - Hell-urr!
Hell-urr!
But now he came through.
He got the beard.
His dick is saying "hell-urr."
You know, his dick is out.
His dick is like, yo, I got that bulge, brother.
Yo, what's popping?
He got the black socks with the white trainers--
big dad energy right there.
Like, yeah.
Mega dad energy, yeah.
I like that.
Now all you ladies got to go back
and delete your tweets about you didn't find Tyler Perry sexy.
Now you're going to have to go and chuckle at his movies.
Yeah. MERO: Yup.
Yes, sir. - Yeah.
How many times you going to hear "hell-urr" and laugh?
Huh?
Yeah.
Look at that beard.
Look at the fullness and the richness of the beard.
Yeah. See, you ladies think he's hot?
You think he's sexy?
Wait until he comes and he makes the noise that Madea makes.
You think that's going to be hot?
Nope. - Oh, yeah!
He's going to nut and be like, hallelujer!
Yep.
"Now, listen here!"
"You're about to suck my balls!"
Wow.
He going to blow your back out while wearing Madea's wig.
You're going to be wild confused.
He lift up the skirt and start blowing your back out.
Yo, listen--
You'll feel the floppy titties on your back, like, ah!
Is that a fetish?
If you've got a Madea fetish, holler at us.
Call us up.
So Tyler Perry can open an OnlyFans now.
MERO: Facts.
But he already got a studio and all that stuff.
But he already got mad OnlyFans.
You know there's mad women on Twitter-- mad hot
and bothered, already, by him.
This is just making it worse.
Your auntie is in church, trying to be a good Christian,
and she can't because she got the hot box
because of Tyler Perry.
Hot box!
Can't even concentrate on prayer.
Hot box, hot box, hot box.
She's like, ooh, Tyler!
Yo, he's a-- well, he's flexing.
- Do we have to? - Really?
Why? - Do we have to?
Why?
You know what it is--
Why can't we objectify Tyler any more?
You know what it is-- because the sexy
meter on the side of the screen was reaching Toobin levels.
Yeah, yeah.
So we got to be easy.
You know?
See, my hands are visible!
My hands are visible.
Keep your hands where my eyes can see.
MERO: Whoa!
DESUS: Hey! MERO: Yo!
Why does she look like she wants to destroy
the moon with that haircut?
Oh, man.
What are you doing?
Look at her.
They said she looks like Homelander from "The Boys,"
which is true--
because you got the hair--
Facts.
--all slicked back like that.
Does she think that if she slicks back her hair,
no one will remember, like, she was mad mean to people,
and, like, in previous seasons and shit like that?
If anything, that makes you look more mean.
Yeah.
Like, slicked back hair is just very, like-- it's, like,
aggressive hairstyle, dog.
Like, you don't even-- you're not doing that.
You're just like, grr!
Let's go!
Yeah, now she seems like a bully in the '60s.
Like, she's going to come into the milkshake shop with a comb
and be like, hey!
Facts!
This is big Biff Tannen energy right here.
Hey!
Fam-- yo, she's wiling.
She looks like a "Die Hard" villain at the same time, dog.
Like, shit-- like she's about to call John McClane,
like, I'm going to destroy America if you do not drive
a truck across the country.
Ha, ha, ha!
She has the same hair as the lady that dated Flavor Flav.
What was her name?
Brigitte Nielsen.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, you see it.
Yo!
You see it.
Fam.
That was an amazing couple.
Damn, she's really-- yo.
I can't even-- like, I'm trying to picture in, like, sucio,
like, vision, but I can't.
- Yeah-- - You know what I mean?
Ooh.
Yo, fam-- how did they six--
you know what?
Never mind.
Yeah.
With a step ladder.
With a step ladder and maybe a pipe?
Standing up?
Allegedly.
Actually, no, that's not allegedly.
That's not.
You know that's confirmed. - They smashed.
That's true. - They smashed.
Yeah. - Yeah.
That's-- that's common knowledge.
Somehow.
Like, damn, what!
Yes.
"Daniel Kaluuya confirms his live-action Barney movie is
happening, and it'll be dark."
DESUS: "Barney taught us 'I love you, you love me.
Won't you say you love me, too?'
What happens when that isn't true?
All right.
All right!
I want to see Barney stalking kids
who are now grown-up adults.
Like, yo why the fuck did you stop watching the show?
This is a great-- I like the concept.
We should do something like that.
We find-- like, we go into the comments
and we find one person, like, I don't listen to the podcast
anymore.
It's trash now.
And then we just stalk them.
We just stalk them and ruin their lives.
Yeah.
Like, yo, hey, hey--
They're trying to sleep and we're just,
like, tapping on their windows and, like,
turning lights on in their house and kidnapping their kids.
You know?
Light-hearted.
Yeah, like the--
yeah, just easy-- you know, easy stuff.
You know what I'm saying? - Where's my kids?
Where's my kids?
It's like, ha ha ha.
You know the fucking vibes.
Oh, yeah.
You stopped listening around episode 53.
You don't understand the new lexicon.
Sorry. - Oh, yeah.
Hmm. - Click.
Hmm.
"Oh, they have too many AKs now."
Oh, really?
You got one less kid.
It's a special "Law and Order" episode--
all the cops are, like, listening to the podcast
for hints and shit.
They're like, ah-- they said "p-no" three times.
That must be the codeword.
Ice-T comes in, he's like, I know what "p-no" is.
I've seen it in narcotics.
It's pornography.
It's, like, the one time he's, like,
straightforward with an answer.
He's, like, it's just pornography, y'all.
Y'all are bugging.
When are we going to be in "Law and Order?"
Because we-- - Come on!
We're either going to be crim--
see, know what?
I think the problem is, if you look at us, it's like,
are they going to be criminals or are
they going to be visiting cops from another precinct?
Because there's no other thing we could be.
We can't just be like--
Yeah, straight up.
Nah.
No, that's not big enough.
We need-- we need--
listen, if we-- our arcs have to be at least for four episodes.
It'd have to be, like--
And they got to, like, cross over.
You know what?
Oh, my God.
They Stole Timberland boots.
I'm bringing-- like, do we know anyone that
knows about Timberland boots?
And me and Mero just happen to walk into the scene,
like, yeah, we know a thing or two.
Hi what's up?
Desus Nice.
The Kid Mero.
We're from the foo-- we're from the Foot Agency.
You know, we've seen something like this.
Heard you were working on a case.
And then a little sexual tension between me and Mariska.
What's her name?
Yeah.
You know what I'm saying?
Yeah.
Everybody is like, oh-- and the Italian guy, Carisi,
he's like, uh, all due respect, Sergeant Benson,
don't you think he's a little young for you?
Yeah, remember when that criminal kidnapped you?
Yeah, tell me about that. That was hot.
Yeah, that was really hot.
Yeah.
Yeah, let's-- you want to do some cosplay?
Yeah, come on.
Everything we do is sucio!
Everything we touch is sucio!
MERO: "Dating news from NYC Governor Cuomo.
'I don't have a girlfriend.
I've got a couple irons in the fire but I don't have
a girlfriend, per se.'"
DESUS: "He says on WAMC Radio."
Everything he says, he's answering
like he's trying to avoid, like, a RICO allegation.
He can't just be straightforward about stuff.
I'm like, yo, fam.
He's like, what, you heard I have a girlfriend?
I don't got no girlfriend. Who told you I got a girlfriend?
That's neither here nor there.
Who told you-- where'd you hear that from?
No.
No, my lips are sealed.
I don't have a girlfriend.
I have a couple of irons in the fire.
But I don't have a girlfriend, per se.
Oh, he's like, yo, I'm out here slanging dick.
Dat-- in a pandemic!
Yo.
Wow.
Yo, how you do like your Italian sausage-- sweet or hot?
You know what I'm saying?
I got it either way you want.
You know what I'm saying-- ah, a little braciole for that ass.
Somebody heard that and was crushed.
You know that, right?
Somebody heard that and is lighting his phone up
and he's like, I'm fighting with Trump.
I don't have time for this.
Come on!
Wow.
Somebody's just hit him with a "wow, Andrew.
Wow."
Mad Os.
Why don't you go and see one of the other irons in the fire
you got? - Uh huh.
Yeah.
You know what?
This iron is out of the fire.
How about that?
I'm in a bucket of water, cooling off.
OK?
I'm smelting.
Cuomosexuals?
- Wow. - Ah.
That's very problematic.
Very problematic, very problematic.
They need a better name.
They should call them--
uh, hm, let me see.
Cuomos, Cuomos--
Uh--
They should call them Mohos--
Mohos!
Yeah, Mohos!
Like, yo!
You know how, like, oh, I'm a boho?
I'm a Moho! - Yeah.
Or Cuohos.
There you go.
He's like, I don't have a girlfriend.
They're like, sir.
This press conference is about COVID.
He's like, oh.
Oh, I thought--
I thought I was on "The Bachelorette."
He's on "The Bachelorette"-- it's
like, "Government Official."
Sure.
- Yeah. - Let's start--
We're going to keep it super clean, right?
Let's start-- let's start our new show
that we do for teen Christians.
Hey.
Hey, y'all!
DESUS: Hey, y'all!
PRODUCER: Mike Pence approved.