YOU KNOW, I-- I LOVE LEARNING.
AND ONE OF THE BEST PLACES ON LINE TO LEARN ANYTHING IS
SOMETHING CALLED TED TALKS.
YOU GUYS EVER WATCH THOSE, TED TALKS.
I LOVE TED TALKS AND THIS IS MORE THAN JUST A PLOT SUMMARY OF
THAT SETH MacFARLANE MOVIE.
TED TALKS ARE A SERIES OF INSPIRING EDUCATIONAL LECTURES
UPON GIVEN BY PEOPLE WHO MUST HAVE
BOTH A DEEP UNDERSTANDING OF THEIR FIELD AND ACCESS TO A
HEADSET MICROPHONE.
LAST YEAR, ONE OF THE MOST WATCHED TED TALKS WAS BY SPEECH
AND COMMUNICATIONS EXPERT JULIAN TREASURE, WHOSE TALK WAS CALLED
"HOW TO SPEAK SO THAT PEOPLE WANT TO LISTEN."
IT WAS RIVETING, I THINK.
I KIND OF ZONED OUT AFTER THE FIRST FEW MINUTES.
( LAUGHTER ) UNFORTUNATELY, NOT EVERY TALKER
OUT THERE CAN TED.
ORGANIZERS SAY THEY REVIEW "THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS OF
CANDIDATES EVERY YEAR" BEFORE CHOOSING JUST "60 TO 70
SPEAKERS."
BUT I FEEL STRONGLY THAT EVERY PERSON SHOULD HAVE A VOICE AND,
MORE IMPORTANTLY THAN THAT, I BELIEVE I HAVE AN HOUR OF TV TO
FILL EVERY NIGHT.
SO I DID A LITTLE DUMPSTER DIVING AT THE TED HEADQUARTERS--
OR TED QUARTERS AS NO ONE CALLED THEMSELVES.
AND I FOUND ALL THESE BOXES OF TED TALKS THAT DIDN'T QUITE MAKE
THE CUT.
s AND TONIGHT, I PRESENT TO YOU A
FEW OF THESE UNWANTED TED TALKERS IN MY LECTURE SERIES,
"REJECT-TED."
( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I COME BEFORE YOU TODAY WITH A SIMPLE,
YET MEMORABLE MESSAGE.
THIS SATURDAY'S SLAM-DOWN, THIS SIMPLE EVERYDAY CAGE WILL BE
TRANSFORMED INTO A DECK DWANT PALACE OF SUFFERING, WITH MY
UMCOMING OPPONENT, DR. HUMONGOUS, WHO WILL REIGN AS
KING CANDY ASS FOR 1,000 PATHETIC YEARS.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME.
>> Audience: BOOO!
( CHEERS ) >> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I COME
HERE TODAY WITH A SIMPLE QUESTION.
AM I DRESSED UP LIKE MARK TWAIN OR ALBERT EINSTEIN?
IT'S DIFFICULT TO TELL, ISN'T IT?
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, WHAT IF I TOLD YOU THAT
WHEN I BOUGHT THIS AT THE HALLOWEEN STORE, IT WAS SIMPLY
LABELED "SMART GUY COSTUME."
NOT VERY HELPFUL, RIGHT?
BECAUSE THEY WERE BOTH SMART, AND THEY WERE BOTH GUYS.
NOW, WHAT IF I DID THIS?
( CLEARS THROAT ) "E" EQUALS MC SQUARED.
PROBLEM SOLVED, RIGHT?
WRONG?
BECAUSE CHECK THIS OUT.
( CLEARS THROAT ) I WROTE HUCKLEBERRY FIN.
MY OTHER NAME IS SAMUEL CLEMENS.
( LAUGHTER ) BACK.
TO.
SQUARE.
ONE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
MAYBE THAT'S NOT THE POINT.
MAYBE THE REAL LESSON WE SHOULD LEARN FROM THIS HALLOWEEN STORE
IS TO EMBRACE UNCERTAINTY IN OUR LIVES.
BECAUSE THE LAWS GOVERNING OUR UNIVERSE ARE AS COMPLEX AND DEEP
AS THE LONG, ROLEIN MISSISSIPPI.
GUESS WHO SAID THAT?
ME.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS ) THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THANK YOU.
OH, WAIT.
IT'S MARK TWAIN.
>> Stephen: WOW, I THINK WE ALL LEARNED-- I THINK WE ALL LEARNED
SOMETHING TONIGHT.
I CAN'T PROVE IT.
BUT I THINK WE DID.