In the little mountain town of South Park stands plenty of unique and interesting
characters. Each of these characters is unique in a million different ways, some are really dumb…
and others are… also, pretty dumb. But there are a few that stand out as intelligent.
And they’re all very unique reflections of our society.
But what if the next Squid Game took place in South Park Colorado?
That’s what we’re discussing today.
I’m Brad with WickedBinge and this is Which South Park Character Would Survive Squid Game?
As always, we need to talk about the rules for this game. As always, no immortal beings or
deities, that sadly excludes Kenny, because he is indeed immortal, even if it’s because
of revival and not invulnerability. Secondly, every character enters the game with no items,
weapons, or enhancements so that they are all on an even playing field. Finally,
we won’t be including any information from the Post Covid specials,
because those take place in the future, which does change by the end of that storyline.
With our rules out of the way and the sad lack of Kenny, we can now tell you about
the cast of characters for Today’s Squid Games. Those characters are Eric Cartman, Stan Marsh,
Kyle Broflovski, Butters Stotch, Randy Marsh, Sharon Marsh, Shelly Marsh, Herbert Garrison,
Craig Tucker, Tweek Tweak, Gerald Broflovski, Sheila Broflovski, Ike Broflovski, Heidi Turner,
Jimmy Valmer, Mr. Mackey, Vice Principal Strong Woman, PC Principal, Scott Malkinson, Wendy
Testaburger, Token Black, Clyde Donovan, Michael, Pete Thelman, Firkle Smith, Henrietta Biggle,
Mayor McDaniels, Liane Cartman, Jimbo Kern, Ned Garblanski, Mr. Slave, Big Gay Al, Chef, Harrison
Yates, Lu Kim, Officer Barbrady, Carol McCormick, Stuart McCormick, Daryl Weathers, and Father Maxi.
With our rules and roster out of the way, it’s time
to start the games with Red Light, Green Light.
The rules of Red Light, Green Light are quite simple, get across the field and
stop when requested. All the characters seem to be able-bodied enough to make it across
in the allotted time, including Jimmy. So it comes down to the following abilities,
firstly the level-headedness needed to not freak out when the first shots
ring out and the listening skills necessary for the rest of the game.
Some stand-out survivors in this game include
Kyle Broflovski who is the most level-headed of the main four boys. Craig Tucker is cool,
calm, and collected almost a hundred percent of the time. Liane Cartman is a good listener
and a generally level-headed character compared to most of the cast and Chef who, until he was
brainwashed was one of the most level-headed and compassionate characters on the show.
The first to go in this game is quite obviously Eric Cartman.
No one in the history of cartoons has ever been as impulsive,
selfish, and hard-headed as Cartman is. Cartman fails this game so quickly that commenters in
other Squid Game videos pointed out he would fail. We could go over hundreds of examples,
but anyone who has watched one episode of the show, even the pilot knows this.
Going down with ‘Tegridy, Randy Marsh is next to fall in Red Light, Green Light. Randy,
much like Cartman, is impulsive and selfish, he doesn’t care about his family or the truth. Like
in Post Covid where he continually blames Stan for the death of Sharon and Shelly even though it’s
sort of his fault as well. Randy also doesn’t care about authority figures as well, meaning
he wouldn’t listen to the Frontman or anyone else. So it’s no wonder Randy dies in this game.
The next character to make it onto this list is Herbert Garrison. Garrison is
kind of deranged for most of the show, when he was president he tried to go to war multiple
times. He relies on his hand puppet Mr. Hat who he thinks is real to do things like breaking him out
of jail. He also lacks listening skills and will often do the exact opposite of what he is asked,
for no discernable reason. He definitely dies in this game, continuing a pretty obvious theme.
While we won’t be quoting Cartman’s feelings about her, Shiela Broflovski is next on the list.
Shiela’s main problem is that she gets irrationality angry over even small things,
which would make it hard for her to survive this first game. She also is not the greatest listener
especially when it comes to her children, which puts the final nail in her coffin this early on.
Not far behind his mother, Ike Broflovski is next to die in this game. Ike is a small
child and arguably shouldn’t even be here in the games. However, as we’ve included him,
we do need to talk about why he lands here. Ike is a child, and because of this, not only
is he not that great of a listener, but due to being a child, he is not
level-headed in the slightest. Plus, he’d one hundred percent freak out when
Sheila hits the ground, however, we don’t really consider that a knock against him.
It’s coming right for him, because next on the list is Jimbo Kern. Jimbo is the cool hunting
uncle of Stan Marsh who’s been a series regular since the beginning. Jimbo falls here in the
beginning for a few reasons, but the main one is the fact that he’s sort of deranged a lot of the
time. For example, he shot and killed Kenny as a platypus, even though he was obviously dressed as
Kenny and hanging with the other boys. He also tried to kill him in another episode and nearly
killed Timmy while he was dressed as Kenny.He almost pulled through because of his listening
skills which are up there because of being a hunter but that’s not enough to save them.
The final to fall in this game is Stuart McCormick. Stuart is the father of Kenny
and the husband of Carol McCormick. Stuart doesn’t have a lot of screen time but when
he does he’s either drunk or fighting with Carol. Due to his consistent fighting and drunkenness,
we can assume he’s not a very level-headed person and he’s not that great of a listener either.
Due to all this, we have to say he loses this game pretty quickly, especially for someone like him.
With a good chunk of people down from this game, and 33 of our original 40 still left in
the game we now move on to The Honeycomb Challenge.
Some early leaders in this category include Kyle Broflovski who is the most
patient of the friend group by a mile and a half. Craig Tucker is probably the most
patient and steady-handed character in the show, Heidi Turner is patient enough to sit
through a two-hour makeup routine and Pete Thelman is a goth kid who plays bass which
makes him a pretty easy shoo-in for this list. Sadly, the first to go in this game is Tweek.
Tweek is a coffee-addicted, very intense, and very shaky fourth-grader who barely
scraped by in the last game. Tweek is very twitchy, as it’s part of his character and
he lacks the patience necessary to slowly excavate the cookie from its sugary home.
You combine these two factors and it’s no surprise he’s taken out by this game.
Not a surprise that Jimmy Valmer is next to fall during this game. Jimmy is a smart and funny guy,
there’s no doubt about that. But not only does he show a slightly impatient demeanor at some points
in time, but since he is on crutches one-hundred percent of the time, he would definitely break
the cookie. If it wasn’t for his crutches he would almost certainly pass to the next game.
The leader of South Park, Mayor McDaniels is the next contestant that dies in this game.
McDaniels doesn’t appear very often and almost every time she appears, even in the games,
it’s because she’s too impatient to do something. While she seems steady-handed,
her impatience is hard to get past in a game like this.
The next to go in this game is Ned Garblanski. Ned is a good friend of Jimbo
and a Vietnam War veteran who lost his voice and arm. He now uses an electronic
voice box to speak and only has one arm at all times. Due to the lack of a second arm,
it is very hard for him to survive this game, even with how patient he is.
South Park’s main cop Harrison Yates is the final to fall during this game.
Yates is currently the most major cop in South Park and is typically responsible for running
the Police Department. However, Yates is a very impatient individual nine times out of
ten and that makes it hard for him to survive this game. He does seem to have steady hands, however,
he also tends to shoot first and ask questions later so that shows his shocking impatience.
With the cookies excavated we move on to the next game with 28 of our original 40,
that being The Midnight Brawl.
The Midnight Brawl takes place between day 2 and day 3
and forces our contestants to duel in a variety of ways.
We’ve figured out three factors to determine who does and doesn’t survive this game. Your combat
skills are of course necessary, being able to fight is of course the most important factor, but
being smart enough to survive and being stealthy enough to hide from the others are also important.
Some recognizable survivors of the Midnight Brawl include;
Craig Tucker is a semi-skilled fighter and rather intelligent, Vice Principal Strong
Woman is a skilled fighter and quite intelligent at times, PC Principal is similar, being one of
the best fighters in the series and has above average intelligence and Wendy Testaburger shows
herself to be one of the best fighters and most intelligent characters in the series.
The first to go during the Midnight Brawl is Mr. Mackey. Mackey falls during this game for a few
reasons. Firstly, he is not a combatant, meaning he has to rely on other factors,
but in those categories, he’s not much better. He is only average in stealth,
and he’s kind of dopey at times, meaning in each of the categories he fails pretty heavily,
which means he falls in this game, mmmkay.
Cartman’s mom and recognizable character Liane Cartman is the next to fall in this game. Liane
falls during this game for a wide variety of reasons, she is only
average in the stealth category like most of the characters on this list but fails hard in
the other two. Not only is she kind of airheaded at times, and an enabler to Cartman’s mischief
but she also lacks any combat skills, making it very hard for her to survive. Combining
all of these means she dies during this game, adding another body to her count.
The next to fall in the Midnight Brawl is Mr. Slave.
Mr. Slave was Mr. Garrison’s teaching assistant and the eventual husband to Big Gay Al.
Mr. Slave is a fun character and one of the better adults, however, he still has to fail
for a few reasons. Firstly, he’s not a combatant, at best he can envelop people inside him like he
did to Paris Hilton but he can only really do that once a day. Secondly, because he wears leather it
severely damages his stealth capabilities, which of course, damages his chances.
Not far behind his husband, next up is Big Gay Al. Big Gay Al is a stereotypical homosexual man who
does a variety of odd things throughout the town of South Park. As much fun as this character is,
he falls for very similar reasons to Mr. Slave. Firstly, he is not a combatant and
is constantly seen to be mostly if not fully pacifistic in his appearances. Secondly, due
to his flamboyance, he lacks the stealth skills necessary to survive, he is almost pulled out by
his slightly above average intelligence but that’s not nearly enough to survive, sadly.
The final character to die in this game is Darryl Weathers. Daryl,
known as the “They took er jerbs” guy is a fun and recognizable side character in South Park
but he lacks the skills to move further. Firstly, much like the previous characters on this list, is
not a fighter, making it hard for him to survive, not only that, but he’s not the
smartest either, making it a hard road for him to pass. Darryl also only has an average skill
in stealth, combining these factors makes it quite difficult for him to survive, going down now.
Now only 22 of our original 40 are
still around as we move into the next game of the series, the less iconic Tug of War.
Tug of War happens after the Midnight Brawl and usually takes place in teams,
although we won’t be talking about specific teams in this game. You do need two specific skills to
survive in this game, firstly, the strength to pull the rope and pull the other players
into the abyss below and the teamwork to pull the rope in tandem if strength doesn’t work.
Some recognizable survivors of Tug of War include Shelly Marsh who is strong enough
to pick up a piano and is sort of likely to work in a team, Craig Tucker has above
average strength and above-average teamwork skills, Vice Principal Strong Woman was a world
record holder deadlift champion and is very good in teams, and Chef is strong enough to
rip a hospital patient’s arm off and is also very good when it comes to teams typically.
The first to go during Tug of War is Tuong L u Kim. Lu Kim is the owner of the City Wok
restaurant in South Park and actually the alternate personality of Dr. William Janus.
Lu Kim fails during Tug of War because he’s a relatively skinny guy and not shown to have much
strength, although that’s a debatable point. While he does build an entire wall by himself,
it’s not a particularly strong wall, and he’s not really a team player,
just look at what happened with City Sushi. So sadly, Mr. Kim falls at the hands of Tug of War.
The second, and last to fall during this game is Carol McCormick.
Carol is the mother of Kenny and an ex-member of the Cult of Cthulhu. Carol fails in this game due
to having below average to average strength and not being a particularly well-known team player.
She and Stuart get in fights quite often and they’re not particularly good with other
people in the room. For these reasons, Carol falls and we can move on to the next category.
With 20 of our original 40 still around we get to the well-known and infamous Marble Game.
The Marble Game focuses on the player’s ability to manipulate others and not be manipulated by
the other player. Because the game takes place face to face with one other player, only skilled
manipulators can really pull this off, and those who are easily manipulated quickly go down.
Skilled manipulators who pass by this game include Gerald Broflovski who,
as a lawyer has above average manipulation skills and is privy to most of the tricks.
PC Principal is a relatively skilled manipulator and isn’t particularly
easy to manipulate and Wendy Testaburger falls in the same category, being a strong
character who isn’t easy to manipulate and relatively skilled in manipulation.
The first to fall during Marbles is Stan Marsh.
Stan is arguably the main character of the early seasons of South Park and a bit of a self-insert
for the creators. Stan falls pretty quickly because he lacks any major manipulation
skills. Due to him being a relatively mature child, but still a child nonetheless, he’s
also rather easy to manipulate at times, so, combine those factors and he falls pretty soon.
You know he had to fall in a game like this, up next is Butters Stotch.
Butters, to put it lightly, is not the brightest crayon in the box and is shockingly easy to
manipulate. Just off the top of our head, look at an episode like “AWESOME-O” or “Butterballs” where
Butters is manipulated by Cartman and his grandma respectively. He is also much too
nice to even try and manipulate someone, so that’s a pretty good knock against him.
Stan’s mother Sharon Marsh is next to fall in the game. Sharon appears quite often doing a
variety of things, but usually the receptionist of Tom’s Rhinoplasty.
Sharon is known to be pretty easy to manipulate, look at an episode like
“Spookyfish” where she was willing to hide bodies for her son despite Stan’s complaints. She’s also
not any more than average in manipulation, only slightly above average because of being a parent.
The next to fall during this game is Heidi Turner. Heidi was Cartman’s girlfriend for a time
and this is her downfall in this game. Heidi is relatively smart but she is also shockingly easy
to manipulate, and that is easily shown because of Cartman. Cartman manipulates her
into becoming Anti-Semitic, dropping her diet, and basically becoming a female version of himself.
Heidi is also not that great at manipulation, which of course drops her even further down.
Up next, He’s Scott Malkinson he has diabetes. Much like Butters,
he falls because he is severely easy to manipulate due to how not many people like him or see him
as their friend. Scott is not only easy to push around and manipulate, but he is never shown to
successfully manipulate someone to our knowledge. Combine these factors and it’s a no-brainer
that he dies during the Marble game.
The next to fall during the marbles game is Token Black. Token is implied to be the richest kid in
South Park and is a relatively smart kid most of the time. However, due to being a child
who cares about his status, he’s relatively easy to manipulate. In “Here Comes the Neighborhood”
he tries to act poorer because the other boys make fun of him
for being rich. He’s also not shown to be a manipulator of any kind, therefore he has to fail.
Goth kid Pete Thelman is the next contestant to fall during this game. Pete is a character
who isn’t very unique, at least not by himself.
Pete falls for the same reason as the rest of the characters
in this section. Pete isn’t very skilled in manipulation, at least not from the little
screentime he has. He is also not particularly shown to be easily manipulated but just tell
him something is “conformist” and he’ll likely do the opposite.
However, fellow Goth kid Firkle Smith is an easier case to make.
Firkle is a relatively young child and not very interesting outside of his group. He is
the easiest character in this section to make a case for failure here. Firkle actually has
decent manipulation skills, but he is just as easily manipulated, look at the whole
emo plotline as he was able to trick the other Goth Kids but just ended up being manipulated
as well. Firkle fails because he can’t recognize when he’s being manipulated at all.
You knew he was going to land in this section, but next up is Jerome “Chef” McElroy. Chef was
a staple character of the earlier seasons but after his voice actor quit the show, his character
was pretty much retired. When he comes back he is heavily manipulated by the Super Adventure Club
and is basically brainwashed. It’s no surprise that this alone is enough to
put him down this game but he also shows little to no manipulation skills of his own. Hence why
he falls here much like the show itself, dead beyond belief because of manipulative tactics.
The final character to die in the Marble Game is Officer Barbrady.
Barbrady is a generally dull character who doesn’t get much screen time anymore, mostly replaced by
Harrison Yates. However, he is much like the other characters in this section fail pretty quickly.
Due to his dull nature, he is relatively easy to manipulate and therefore it’s hard for him
to survive, but combine that with the lack of any notable manipulation skills and he is put down.
With only 10 of our original 40 still around we move into our penultimate game,
The Glass Stepping Stones.
The Glass Bridge or Glass Stepping Stones are not an easy game to determine how to survive.
We did however break it down into the following situations, firstly, how likely are they to pick
a front, middle or back number? This can be broken down further into their ego, how fearful they are,
how cowardly they are, and if they are the type to hang back and watch.
Secondly, if the character is likely to tell the difference between regular and
tempered glass. Thirdly, how likely they are to force a change of positions and force another
person in front of them, which depends on how threatening the person is. Fourth,
how likely they are to push another through the glass, and finally,
how likely they are to sacrifice themselves through the glass to take out another. While
it’s complicated, it’s detailed enough to make it interesting and make it as accurate as possible.
The first to fall is none other than Kyle Broflovski. Kyle, much like Stan, is a self-insert
for the creators of the show, but that doesn’t stop him from falling through the glass. Kyle is
not particularly an egomaniac and is not fearful or cowardly, so more likely than not, he’d pick
a middle number. However, he isn’t one to try and switch positions or push another through the glass
and honestly would probably go down by sacrificing himself, as he seems likely to do that.
Next up on the list is Stan’s sister Shelly Marsh. Shelly is one of the least fearful
characters in the show and not particularly cowardly either. So she would likely pick
a front-running number so that she can go out first. She isn’t very likely to
force a change of positions but if she did she is threatening enough to make it work.
Combining these factors make it a pretty easy case for Shelly to fall through the glass.
Much like his son, Gerald Broflovski goes through the glass. Gerald is sort of a coward
and pretty fearful, especially of his wife Sheila, but we don’t think he’s picking anything but a
middle-of-the-road number. Combine this with the fact that he’s unlikely to push someone through
the glass or even try and switch positions and he drops through the glass pretty darn quickly.
The next to go down in this game is Vice Principal Strong Woman. Strong Woman is
interesting because she actually has a bit of an ego, albeit not the biggest
one in the world. She’s likely to pick a middle or front number because of her ego
and lack of fear, the only real fear she shows is about being caught sleeping with PC Principal.
She has a middling chance to pull a Deok-syu and switch positions, but she’s not likely to get much
further than that, being pulled through much like the aforementioned player.
Her husband, PC Principal is next on the list. PC Principal has a big
head, that is indisputable, his ego is one of the biggest if not the biggest on our list,
and thinks he is above all else. PC Principal might just fight to be number one and likely
falls through the glass because of that, but combine that with his Low chance to
push another or switch positions and this is a scrap he won’t survive.
Head of the goth kids, Michael falls next. Michael, much like the other goth
kids is the kind to sit back and watch, not really a fan of moving to the front of the
line. So yes, while he would pick a back of the pack number, he kind of falls due to the process
of elimination. He wouldn’t switch places or sacrifice himself but it wouldn’t surprise us
that he would try to push another through the glass, although it wouldn’t go well for him.
Another goth kid on the list and next to fall is Henrietta Biggle.
Henrietta falls for a lot of the same reasons as Michael before her, picking a back number
and not being particularly special. But combine those factors with her not being the type to
push another through the glass or switch positions. She is kind of the buffer here as
she could have survived this game but has to fall for plot purposes.
The final to fall in this game is Father Maxi.
Maxi is the head priest of the South Park church and a relatively underutilized
character. He doesn’t have the largest ego and can be seen as relatively fearful
and cowardly at times, but not very often. Combine this with his general passiveness
and it wouldn’t surprise us if he falls in the middle of the game or even sacrifices himself.
But now we’re down to our final two survivors as we move into our final game, The Squid Game.
While The Squid Game initially starts as a very specific children’s game, it really comes down
to hand-to-hand combat, which means that when it comes down to it, experience is quite important.
Our final two combatants are the deadpan dominator Craig Tucker and feminist icon Wendy Testaburger.
Both of these characters are skilled in combat, look at “Tweek vs. Craig” where
Craig is trained in Sumo wrestling to fight Tweek, or “Breast Cancer Show Ever” where Wendy beats the
ever-loving lights out of Cartman. After a bit of consideration, we’ve decided that Craig Tucker
is the one who fails this game. Like we mentioned both of these characters are
skilled combatants in their own right but Wendy’s fighting skills are much greater than Craig’s.
Craig’s only real test of fighting is in the assumed fake games of The
Fractured But Whole but Wendy is shown to decimate Cartman in the canon show.
So with that, the winner of our game is Wendy Testaburger standing above the rest due to her
severe skills in combat and intelligence.
But let us know in the comment section if you agree with our
ranking. And tell us what we should cover next. Remember to hit that notification
bell and binge more of our videos. But most importantly, stay wicked.