I have parents I love very much.
I have a dad who's amazing.
He's incredible.
My dad, he's from Ireland.
He was born in Ireland and came here
when he was a kid.
But we have his birth certificate
and we're just looking at it.
He has a birth certificate,
and it's from Ireland.
It's very Irish.
It's like a scroll.
It's really long.
It's like half written in Gaelic.
A leprechaun handed it to us.
I'm like, where was he?
He's like, "we just get one when
"we're born."
It's like halfway in Gaelic,
and it has like--
everything's weighed in Irish.
He was weighed in stones.
And then it said he was 3 and 1/2
potatoes long.
(audience laughing)
I was like, how long is that, dad?
And he's like, "well, it was early.
"It was early harvest.
"So maybe"-- I was like, oh, come on.
Don't pretend.
Come on.
And he was naturalized as a citizen
when he was eight years old.
He became a US citizen.
And they took his measurements then.
And this is 100% true.
When my dad was--
his nationalization papers when
he was eight years old.
He was 5 foot 9 inches tall and 170
pounds.
He was a man.
That's a third grade man.
That's an adult man.
He was eight years old.
Like, I'm not really
good at subtraction.
I kind of understand addition.
That's the size
of the average American man.
That's the kind of thing where he
joins a soccer team,
and there's a news story about how
they think that somebody snuck
an adult on the kid's soccer team.
And that's my dad like,
"It's just me, guys."
(audience laughing)
He's bigger now.
He is big.
He's 6' 5''.
He's a big dude.
He's huge.
You can hear him coming a mile away.
But he's also a Vietnam vet.
And he used those skills against us
when we were growing up because
you can hear him coming a mile away.
But one time I was a kid,
and I was taking the trash cans out
to the backyard.
I took the trash can out,
and I turned around.
He was right on top of me.
And I screamed.
And I didn't hear him coming.
I never heard him coming.
And he goes, "I learned that in 'Nam."
And then he just disappeared
into the bushes.
(audience laughing)
My mom is mad at me right now.
She's really mad at me
because my mom bought a parrot.
She bought a loud tropical bird,
which first of all, can we all agree
that bird people are weird?
Wow, thank you, guys.
Thank you.
(audience applauding)
That's the most agreement I've had.
I'm like, Apple watch suck.
You're like, ah ah.
But we do hate bird people.
You're like, this we can get onboard
with.
Every bird person is an old crazy
white lady with long hair
with the birds eating the food out
of her mouth and she's like,
he loves it.
Ugh.
It's every bird person, right?
They start to look alike.
(audience laughing)
So my mom's decided she wants to be
one of these crazy people.
So she bought a parrot,
and she got mad at me
because she thought I was going
to be excited, and I was angry.
I was mad at her and here's why.
Because parrots live an average
of 80 years.
Yeah, my mom did not buy herself
a parrot now.
She bought me a parrot later.
And I don't want to be
a crazy bird lady.
But here's the thing,
my mom is 57 years old.
She might live to 137.
She might live 80 more years.
But I don't know about that.
This woman's like, your mom's going
to die.
You're super jazzed.
She is.
And I have to accept that.
And here's the thing,
she is going to pass sooner rather
than later.
And I'll tell you guys this
do you know what Tab is?
Right?
The sodie pop, right?
It's a soda from the 1980s
that they stopped marketing
because it gives lymphoma to lab
rats.
My mom drinks two 12 packs a day.
I am not-- she goes to the one
grocery store that sells it and she
chugs it like it's going out
of style, when it did in 1987.
(audience laughing)
And I tell her.
I go, mom, this is bad for you.
She goes, "well, I'm not a lab rat."
Sound logic.
You can't argue with that.
It's perfect logic.
But I have to accept that one day
my mom is going to pass.
I have to accept that, right?
5 years, 10 years, maybe 20 years.
And then I'm going to be stuck
with this stupid parrot
that she raised.
So it's going to have
the same emotional problems that I
have.
(audience laughing)
I'll be like, are you wildly
insecure too?
"I am."
Do you want to eat your feelings
too?
"I do."
All right, come on, Penelope.