Welcome back to my Dark Corner of this Sick World.
‘The armpit of America and centre of boredom for the entire planet earth’
That’s us. This week we’re Watching Slugs
‘What?’
‘Slugs’
The answer to the question; is there a worse title for a horror movie than ‘Frogs’
'Finally something, you're not sure of.'
And not just Slugs; Slugs The Movie,
just in case you thought you were sitting in the cinema watching… I don’t know actually.
‘You need professional help.'
Let’s start at the beginning.
'We can start anywhere you want young man.'
The film opens on a date that’s not going well.
‘There’s something slimy down there and I don’t like it’
Just man up and get in there.
It doesn’t take people long to figure out what’s going on.
‘This entire area used to be a toxic waste dump.
'Not only that, we have mutant killer slugs in our water system.’
‘A toxic waste dump?’
That’s the part of the sentence that caught your attention?!
‘I know it sounds crazy’
Not as crazy as it looks.
'That thing bit me;
Now, to be honest I can review this whole movie in 2 words.
‘That’s gross’
Of course it is, they’re man-eating slugs for frig's sake.
Not one to watch if you have a weak stomach,
or are having salad for dinner.
I sort of think you’d notice that whilst cutting.
'What is it?'
I definitely think you’d notice while eating!
‘The salad did taste a little salty’
And yes this particular plot strand does come to a revolting ending.
One of many revolting dead bodies happened upon by our unlikely heroes.
‘Don’s our county sanitation supervisor’
‘Ah hah’
So we see a lot of people who’ve been attacked by the slugs, but we see very few attacks,
because, seriously… how would that go?
‘Nobody knows’
They can’t jump you, they can’t pin you down, they sure as hell can’t give chase, and, let’s be honest, they’re not that hard to kill.
The few attacks we do see always have a caveat,
like the man who finds a slug in glove and then goes through a series of almost slapstick accidents.
Like an ultra-violent version of Inspector Clouseau.
You see, I would say he killed himself.
‘Get off my back’
There’s also this couple, who have sex for long enough to allow 50,000 slugs to sneak in and then slip up on them.
I’m just not convinced by a pack-hunting predator that relies on its victims being nude and clumsy.
'Something bit me.'
So how do you solve a slug problem like this?
‘Why don’t you try salt?’
That would work.
‘Lithium is highly combustible when it comes into contact with moisture'
I guess that would too but I can see problems
‘You want to take something that explodes on contact with water and dump it into the sewers’
That being the main one.
‘What’s your bright idea Mr Health Inspector?’
I think earlier someone mentioned salt?
‘There’s enough methane down here to blow us all the way to Kentucky’
Right, I’m not an expert...
‘That’s right, you’re not an expert’
but I don’t see anyway this goes down without blowing up every water pipe in town,
are you at least going to warn people first?
So anyone taking a bath, a shower or, God forbid sitting on the toilet is collateral damage in the war against an animal that could be defeated with a condiment
‘That’s bullshit’
In fairness, as a movie, this isn’t as ridiculous as Frogs
‘killer slugs? For Christ’s sake What’ll it be next?’
But that’s not exactly setting the bar high
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