- Y'all, I've been struggling to drop this COVID weight.
Anybody else just?
Are we still allowed to call it COVID weight?
(audience laughing)
I don't know what the statute of limitation is.
(audience laughing)
My girl has an 8-year-old
and she still refers to that as baby weight.
So I'm like, **** it.
(audience laughing)
*****, same, same, right?
(audience laughing)
I don't have much motivation to lose the weight though
'cause people still **** me at this size.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding and cheering)
When I stop getting bent over, I'll give up the carbs.
(audience laughing)
Till then, this is what we doing.
(audience laughing)
It's a struggle though.
Here's the thing, whenever I gain weight,
I have body image issues, like everybody does.
Everybody, you know, I feel like men
always act like it's just a woman thing.
No, it's a dude thing.
Men, y'all have issues, too, okay.
Look, I'm going through a divorce,
so I'm doing a lot of ******* right now.
(audience laughing)
Let me tell you, the last guy had sex with,
this dude would not take his shirt off, okay?
Do you understand a man not taking off his shirt
during sex looking like Winnie the Pooh?
Like what are you doing? What are you doing?
If you gonna get in the pool,
take your ************* shirt off, what are you doing?
(audience laughing)
But seriously, anytime I gain weight,
like my weight goes to my upper arms.
I don't know why that's where I hold my weight,
it's the most annoying place to hold my weight
and I'm complaining to one of my girls and I'm like,
"Girl, every time I gain this weight it's in my upper arm."
She's like, "Ooh, ooh, *****, I wish I had that problem.
Every time I gain weight it goes straight to my ***."
(audience laughing)
Oh *****, you don't know how to play this game?
(audience laughing)
Every woman knows how to play this game.
I say something ****** up about myself
and then you volley back something
more ****** up about yourself.
And then we go back and forth till we're both very sad,
then we get drunk.
That's how you play the game.
(audience laughing)
Why aren't you playing the game?
(audience laughing)
She doubled down.
She was like, "No, seriously. I can eat whatever I want.
My stomach stays flat,
but my *** just keeps on getting bigger
and bigger and bigger."
*****, kill yourself.
(audience laughing)
Yeah, I don't know what I signed up
for this toxic *** relationship.
(audience laughing)
I had to explain to her though,
that everybody wants a big ***.
Like big asses are in style,
I don't know when it became a thing.
Everybody want, it used to just be a Black woman thing.
That was our thing. I'm biracial.
My mom's Black, my dad's Indian, so that means I'm Black.
(audience laughing)
And I grew up in a Black community.
And let me tell you, Black men get very upset
when you don't have an ***, okay?
They get very upset.
And the thing is, I have the illusion of an ***.
It's called big hips.
(audience laughing)
So when you see me coming, you're like, yeah.
And then I walk by and you're like, what the **** happened?
(audience laughing)
Everybody wants a big ***.
They make songs about big asses.
From the beginning time we had Sisqo with the "Thong Song".
We had Sir Mix-a-Lot.
We got the "Booty Booty",
we got all these songs about ***.
You know what people aren't making songs about?
******* with big arms.
(audience laughing)
No one's like, Hey, let me get that Popeye *****.
(audience laughing)
Eh, tricep meat on my dick, take that, take that.
No one's making that song.
(audience laughing)
I want a big ***. I do.
I really wish I had a big ***.
Y'all, if I had a big ***, I wouldn't even know how to read.
(audience laughing)
Like that's how powerful, I feel an *** is.
Like I said, I'm going through a divorce.
- [Audience Member] Aww.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, that was cute.
Thank you. Thank you.
My husband was the one that initiated it.
(audience laughing)
I love telling people that.
Lemme tell you, I Googled, 70% of divorces
are initiated by the woman, okay.
So I feel like a ************* trailblazer right now.
(audience laughing)
I don't know what the rest of y'all are doing
for the feminist movement, but I'm doing my part, okay.
(audience laughing)
I am doing my part.
I wasn't even supposed to get married,
to be honest with you, I was not.
I reached a point in my life where I was like,
I'm gonna be the cool aunt.
That's who I'm gonna be. I'm gonna be the cool aunt.
And one day I woke up and I realized
that I had never ****** an Indian dude before.
(audience laughing)
And I was like, I should see what the **** my mom
was talking about.
(audience laughing)
I should give them a shot.
Now some of y'all in here are judging me, like wow.
Look, everybody has goofy goals, okay?
(audience laughing)
Somebody wants to swim with dolphins.
Some of y'all wanna jump out of a plane.
I want to **** an Indian dude. So, right?
But I didn't know where to find them
'cause that's not my jam.
My whole life I've dated nothing but Black men.
They like me. I like them.
Why mess it up, right?
I ****** two white dudes.
Not at the same time.
(audience laughing)
The first one, he refused to kick his dog out the bed.
(audience gasping)
I know.
(audience laughing)
I was like, "What are we doing?"
He's just like, "I don't wanna inconvenience him."
(audience laughing)
I was like, white men are wild. Okay.
(audience laughing)
The second one, he kept on saying ****.
You like this ****? You want this?
Take this ****.
I was like, I'm gonna go ahead and go home.
(audience laughing)
This ain't it. This ain't it.
Two was enough.
I don't feel
like you all sent your best representatives, but.
(audience laughing)
That's on y'all. That's on y'all.
(audience laughing)
But I've never been with an Indian dude before.
And I was like, I should give it a shot.
I was like, I don't know where to find them though.
Like, do I just go to the Google headquarters
and just sit in the cafeteria?
(audience laughing)
Like, where, how do I, where do I? I dunno.
So I got online. I got on all the apps.
I was on the Tinder, the Bumble,
the Coffee Meets Bagel, the corner.
That's not an app,
I was just on the corner, (audience laughing)
just hoping some **** happened.
They say, if you wanna find love, you gotta be open.
So I was like, here I am.
So I got on the apps and I was looking, I was swiping.
I met my husband on Bumble, right?
It wasn't even supposed to be my husband.
He was just supposed to be my starter brown.
I was just gonna get in and out,
just leave with a good story.
But I was on the apps, I was on Bumble,
I was swiping all the Indian guys, all of them,
just all of the brown guys to the right.
It was just like Uber Eats, but for *****, you know?
(audience laughing)
So just, we're doing Indian tonight. That's cool.
(audience laughing)
And here's the thing,
my husband was online looking for a nice, quiet,
purebred Indian girl.
And I tricked him.
(audience laughing)
'Cause on Bumble I look Indian as ****.
(audience laughing)
Okay? This is what I look like on Bumble.
(audience laughing)
So we start dating, next thing you know, he's on his knee.
He's proposing and we get engaged.
Now, this all happened before COVID.
We were planning our wedding before COVID, okay?
One day in the course of us planning the wedding,
my husband comes home and he's like,
"Hey babe, my uncle died, so we're gonna have
to wait a year before we get married."
And I was like, "Oh, why really ****
with your uncle like that?"
(audience laughing)
Were we even inviting him to the wedding?
And this is when I found out that in Hinduism,
if somebody in the family dies,
you gotta wait a whole year of mourning
before you do any fun ****.
And apparently wedding falls into the category of fun ****.
(audience laughing)
Now I was brainwashed Catholic my entire life,
so to me that sounded like some ********.
(audience laughing)
But I didn't wanna be disrespectful of his religion.
But I also knew I needed to fact check
to make sure he wasn't trying to get out of it.
But the thing is,
the only other Hindu people I knew were his family,
so I couldn't ask them 'cause they were in on it.
(audience laughing)
So that's when I decided, every time I hopped in my Uber,
I'd be like, "Quick question."
(audience laughing)
"Before you drop me off."
(audience laughing)
After enough rides, I found out it was a legit tradition.
An antiquated tradition, but a real tradition.
The other thing I found out though
is if somebody else dies during that year of mourning,
that year starts all over again, okay?
We're back to day zero, no time served. All right?
(audience laughing)
So pretty much my entire engagement
was me just trying to keep ************* alive, okay.
(audience laughing)
Just checking in on people. How you doing?
How you feeling? How's the gout?
(audience laughing)
I wasn't sure how my mother-in-law felt about me,
but she has type two diabetes
and every time I saw her, the ***** was eating cake.
(audience laughing)
So there's that.
But we ended up getting married.
My husband asked me if I wanted to convert to Hinduism.
And I was like, "Yeah, y'all got colors
and monkeys and elephants and ****,
we don't got none of that."
Plus it was much easier for me to become Hindu
than for him to become Catholic.
Right?
In order to become Catholic,
it's a whole process to convert, right?
You have to get a sponsor, you have to go to meetings,
you gotta let the priest touch you.
It's like all these things that have to happen, right?
(audience laughing)
Yeah. Exactly.
And at that point, I love this man, right?
I liked him too,
so I didn't wanna put him through all that, right?
So I was like, "I'll go ahead and convert to Hinduism.
How do I become Hindu?"
And he was like, "Oh, it's easy.
All you have to do is just decide you're Hindu."
(audience laughing)
And I was like, "Oh, like in my heart?"
(audience laughing)
And he was like, "Okay."
And I was like, "Well, this seems really unofficial.
Can I like put up a Facebook status or something?"
(audience laughing)
And he was like, "Yeah, do whatever you gotta do."
And I was like, "All right,
well I guess I'm a ************* Hindu."
He was like, "Don't do that."
And I was like, "Okay, I knew.
(audience laughing)
I knew there were rules."
(audience laughing)
My soon-to-be-ex-husband? He's a cop.
(audience groaning)
Yeah, y'all are kinda seeing what happened.
He's a cop and he's not a tough cop.
That's what I would tell people all the time.
He's not a tough cop, right?
Hanging out with us, some **** pop off.
Don't look in his direction.
(audience laughing)
That's not what he does.
(audience laughing)
And I know he's not a tough cop
'cause he has a tree nut allergy.
(audience laughing)
You can't be tough with a tree nut allergy.
(audience laughing)
Sometimes I'll look at him like, "How are you a whole cop?"
"How you gonna be the father of my kids,
the head of our household,
when a ******* pistachio can take you out?"
(audience laughing)
Like if I could take a nut,
you should be able to take a nut.
We should both be taking nuts together.
(audience laughing)
One of the biggest complaints I had with him
is he did not compliment me enough.
I know, I know.
Every woman in here knows that we need compliments, right?
That's what we require.
And I had to tell him, I was like,
"Babe, you need to compliment me more."
And he was just like, "People compliment you all the time."
I was like, "Yeah, they are people
I don't want to compliment me though.
That is the plight of being a woman."
So he is like, "Fine, I got you. Whatever."
A few weeks later, he shows up
and he's like, "Hey babe, you know what
I think the sexiest thing about you is?"
And I was like, "Oh, this is not gonna be good."
(audience laughing)
"But okay, give it to me."
And he's like, "Your ambition."
(audience groaning)
(audience laughing)
It's like, "Oh, so you think I'm fat?"
(audience laughing)
'Cause that's what I heard.
'Cause there's no way you see me naked every day
and go look me in my face
and tell me the sexiest thing about me
is some **** you read on a motivational poster.
(audience laughing)
Look, the next time you wanna tell me something sexy
about me, this is not the time for you
to be thinking outside of the box.
I need you to be very much in the box, okay?
(audience laughing)
And what I need you to do is go out,
go out in the corner in the 'hood, find a 'hood somewhere.
Go on that corner.
When you see a bunch of dudes
on that corner doing absolutely nothing,
listen to what the **** they're saying when women walk by.
(audience laughing)
Listen to that ****.
Write it down, record it, repeat it back to yourself.
Play it in the mirror.
Do whatever you gotta do to make that yours.
(audience laughing)
And come back and spit that **** back to me.
'Cause here's the thing, I've never seen a bunch
of dudes in the 'hood sitting on a corner
doing absolutely nothing,
see an attractive woman walk by
and go, "Ah, you see Shorty's ambition?"
(audience laughing)
****, Ma, look at you, all motivated and ****.
(audience laughing)
With your fat ***.
(upbeat tones)