Tonight is the night, people.
All year long, we've been waiting to find out
if Republicans will take control of Congress
and stop President Biden's agenda,
or if Democrats will keep control of Congress
and somehow stop Biden's agenda.
[LAUGHTER]
And it's all led up to today, Election Day,
a great day for democracy and for people
who love waiting in lines.
You know, it's like, ah, another chance
to smell a stranger's hair.
Now you've probably heard it everywhere, you know?
But many people believe this may be the most important
election of our lifetimes.
And, yes, I know.
I know they said that about 2020, right?
I also know that they said it about the 2018 midterms.
And they definitely said it about 2016.
No, which I know makes some people say,
well, clearly, none of these elections
are as important as people say.
They always say it's the most important election.
But maybe-- maybe we're thinking of it wrong.
Maybe everything is getting worse
and worse, which makes every election
more and more important.
And I know I said that, and, like, it sounded good,
but it's not.
I get that.
My inflection didn't match the feeling.
Well, think of it this way.
Think of it this way.
Like, when you're in a car, the brakes are the most important
safety feature, right?
When you're in your driveway, it helps to have brakes.
Yeah, but then when you get on the road,
the brakes become more important.
Yeah, then you're on the freeway,
going 100 miles per hour.
The brakes are even more important.
Then a school bus gets stuck in front of you.
And then you realize that the school bus is full of puppies,
and the puppies are holding the only copy
of Rihanna's new album!
Now the brakes are the most important
brakes of our lifetime!
[CRYING]
[APPLAUSE]
Why did I take my brakes for granted?
Now, luckily, many people did feel like this
was an important election.
So all around the country, people
turned up to vote, everywhere from Arizona to Pennsylvania
to Wisconsin to a bunch of states
that the media doesn't even care about.
People cast their votes in this election.
And now that the voting is finished,
there is some good news.
You all voted perfectly, and every problem in America
has been solved.
Congratulations, everyone.
Congratulations.
[CHEERING] No!
Why you clapping?
Being sarcastic, obviously.
They're still counting the votes.
So we're going to have to wait until tomorrow or two months
from now, depending on how many lawsuits there are.
But right now we've got full team coverage of election
night all around the country.
So let's kick things off with our very own Roy Wood,
Jr., everybody who is live.
[CHEERING]
Democratic Party headquarters.
Roy, tumultuous time for the Democrats.
What's the mood like over there right now?
It's nervous, Trevor.
The Democrats are not expecting a good outcome tonight.
Chuck Schumer already sweating like Elon Musk looking
at Twitter's balance sheet.
[LAUGHTER]
Nancy Pelosi-- Nancy Pelosi pacing so hard,
she already got in her steps for the week.
And Joe Biden, well, he's taking a nap,
but it's a nervous nap, one of them nervous naps,
you know, like when you sleep at the wheel.
[GASPS] Arizona.
Well, Roy, you know, if Democrats lose big tonight,
many strategists will suggest that their campaign
messages didn't resonate enough with the voters.
Because they ran on abortion rights and saving democracy.
But it seems like for most voters,
that wasn't a priority.
The Democrats agree with you, Trevor.
That's why tonight they're coming up
with brand new campaign messages
to get voters on their side.
What, tonight?
Don't you think it's a little too late for that?
Everyone's voted already.
There's still people in line in Georgia.
And just wait until they get on Twitter
and see Democrats' new campaign slogan, vote for us
and we'll get rid of Mondays.
It's a good one.
Wait, wait, but that's weird.
And also, then doesn't Tuesday just become the new Monday?
How--
No, no, that's not how it works because then Tuesday--
they got other ideas anyway, man.
They got other ideas.
Here's another one the Democrats are promising.
They're promising to make another season of The Office,
and for Black voters, Martin.
[LAUGHTER]
And they've got a new tax plan--
pay what you want, and they'll make
it so that everyone's team makes it to the Super Bowl.
What?
OK, all right.
Pay what you want, and everybody's team
make it to the Super Bowl.
That's two policies, Trevor.
But, Roy-- but, Roy, I don't understand.
If everyone's team makes it to the Super
Bowl, then whose team-- - Hold on.
I'm not done with the list.
Here you come with all that damn logic.
How about this one?
Unlimited breadsticks at every restaurant,
even the Chinese ones.
[CHEERING]
Even a Chinese restaurant, unlimited bread--
they don't even give you breadsticks
at Chinese restaurants.
And-- and-- and look at this list right here, man.
Look-- look at all this stuff, man.
Pumpkin spice lattes year round--
that's for basic bitches like you, Trev.
[LAUGHTER]
If none of that works, check this out.
The Democrats-- here's something else
they're promising.
Every Oscars will have a surprise slap.
Don't tell me that won't be exciting.
A surprise slap?
Meryl Streep just hauling off and slapping
Timothée Chalamet.
Just stop it!
You know you want to see that shit.
You want a surprise slap.
Roy, I mean, these sound very exciting, but, I mean,
it seems very desperate from the Democrats.
Well, yeah, that's what I told them.
But they refused to give up.
And now they're talking about forgiving everything--
student loan debt, forgiven.
Gambling debts, forgiven.
You gave an embarrassing best man
speech at your boy's wedding?
Forgiven.
You hear that, Vernon?
You can't be mad at me no more for saying your wife
looked like Shrek.
It is what it is, bro.
[LAUGHTER]
Get mad at me.
Why would you say that during a best man speech?
She started it.
I came to that wedding in peace to support them.
She the one who said I got a civil rights hairline.
You don't do that to a man.
[LAUGHTER]
You know a man's hair is a line you don't cross, Alicia.
All right, Roy, we're going to talk
to you later about that. Roy Wood, Jr., everybody.
And another thing, let me tell you--
No, no, no.
[CHEERING]
These promises are weird.
Promises are really weird.
All right, all right, before we cross over
to our next correspondent, we do have a new live projection
coming in, and it's a big one.
In the state of Georgia, the Georgia Senate race,
The Daily Show projects that Herschel
Walker has won 23andMe.
[LAUGHTER]
I didn't even realize 23andMe was a thing you could win.
But they just announced it, so good for him, I guess.
Good for him.
He did it.
But, anyway, let's go live now to Michael Kosta, who,
I believe, is coming to us from Election Deniers Headquarters.
That's right, Trevor.
There are so many election deniers running this year
that they have their own headquarters,
where they can watch the results come in.
And, fun fact, the Wi-Fi password
here is HILLARY KILLED JFK AND ALSO IS JFK, all caps.
Wow, OK, so I'm really intrigued.
What's the mood like over there?
Oh, they are having a blast here.
And I'll tell you, one thing they're not denying,
more jello shots.
These people know how to party, Trevor.
Wow.
I mean, I'm assuming election deniers
must be doing well tonight.
Well, they are.
And hundreds of election deniers
ran for office this year, and a lot of them
have already won their races.
I see.
Wait.
These are election deniers.
So I guess they don't think there's
any fraud in their elections.
Well, no, of course not.
They won.
OK, but then what about the election
deniers who didn't win tonight?
Well, obviously, their elections
were stolen, just like Trump's was in 2020
and will be again in 2024 unless he wins, in which case
it was legitimate.
It sounds like these people are just sore losers.
Whoa, whoa.
We do not say that word here, Trevor, OK, especially
not with the hard
R. [LAUGHTER]
OK, but, no, Kosta, the reasoning
doesn't make any sense.
No, actually, it's pretty simple.
Let me break it down for you.
OK?
So you see, if they lost, that's because it was rigged.
And you can tell it was rigged because they lost.
[LAUGHTER]
Yeah, but-- but, Michael, that's circular logic.
Well, it's actually more of an oval if you ask me, so--
OK, how do they know the election
they won wasn't rigged?
Well, that's easy.
Because they won, so it's fair.
It's all over here on this other oval, OK?
And-- and now that they've won, they
can change the voting laws.
You know, purge the voter rolls,
throw out ballots they don't like,
give themselves the power to overturn results,
so they never lose again.
Wait, wait-- but that's rigging
the election so they win.
What are you not understanding?
OK?
If they win, that means it wasn't rigged.
Do they not have ovals in Africa?
I mean--
We have ovals, Kosta.
This is about logic.
It doesn't seem like a democracy to me.
Look, I'd love to keep explaining it to you,
but I got to go.
Everyone's heading over to the Capitol
to celebrate-- or to storm it.
We'll see when we get there.
You be careful out there, Kosta.
Michael Kosta, everybody.
[CHEERING]
This is a really stressful election.
All right.
Before we get to our next correspondent,
we have some more results coming in.
Our analysts have crunched all the numbers,
and we can confirm that that 5 bucks you donated
didn't do shit.
For more results, let's throw it
over to Dulcé Sloan in the 2022 election center right now.
Hey, hey.
[CHEERING]
TREVOR NOAH: Dulcé, it's really crazy.
What can you tell us about this 2022 election?
2022?
No, I'm at 2024 election center, baby.
Come on.
Look at this.
See where I'm at.
You know what I'm doing.
2024?
Yeah, the presidential election.
We got to move on.
2022 it's old news, OK?
That shit is over.
It's literally not over.
All right?
I want to know who won tonight's races.
You want to know who won tonight's races.
Then Google it.
Ugh.
[LAUGHTER]
What are you here for?
Listen, I'm here to wildly speculate
about who might win next time.
It's called the news.
[LAUGHTER]
[CHEERING]
[HARMONIZING] The news.
Fine, I'll play along.
What data can you give us about the 2024 presidential race?
What?
Whose data?
What are we-- [LAUGHS] it's way too early for that.
This is my favorite part of the race, where you could
just get on TV and gossip.
Yes!
Now I don't gossip.
I'm a good Christian woman.
But, like, did you hear Trump called Ron DeSantis a bitch?
[LAUGHTER]
And Joe Biden says he's running again,
but I heard he died three months ago.
[LAUGHTER]
Why are you groaning?
This is all--
If the man met Jesus, the man met Jesus.
What are you upset about?
[APPLAUSE]
Now, listen, listen, listen--
you can't forget about the wild card in this race, Oprah.
[LAUGHTER]
Wait, wait, wait.
Are you saying Oprah is running?
She didn't say she's not.
So as far as I'm concerned, she is.
Dulcé, come on.
This is what people hate about the political media.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
I'm not forcing anybody to watch.
If you don't like it, you can turn off your damn TV.
TREVOR NOAH: Enough with the speculation.
Dulcé Sloan, everybody.
This is too much gossip and speculation, and no.
[CHEERING]
None of that.
OK, now, as you know, many news organizations did
their own exit polling today.
So we sent Desi Lydic out to some polling
locations in New York City for some exit polls of our own.
And let's see how that turned out.
Hi, I'm Desi Lydic here outside the polls
on Election Day.
I would be inside voting, but I've got one
too many felony convictions.
So, instead, I'm doing some exit polling.
I'm just doing a little bit of exit polling.
Can I ask you a few questions? - Sure.
Great.
Did you base your decision to exit based
on a sign above the door that said exit or just,
like, a gut decision?
Huh?
Did you just exit the polls?
We did.
Yes, we did.
DESI LYDIC: Thank you for your time.
[LAUGHTER]
What was your exit experience like?
The last two questions on the ballot
were all about things we would vote yes or no
for to include for New York.
And one of them was about having values for the city.
And I thought-- - [STAMMERS]
OK.
I don't want to know what's on the ballot--
- That's fine. - --or how you voted.
I'm more interested in exiting.
Like, what was your exiting experience like?
Was there an exit sign over the door?
I didn't even notice.
Didn't notice.
Were you paying attention to anything important?
Yeah, I was paying attention to the voting.
What direction do you think we're headed in?
The way things are looking, it's very frightening.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I don't mean as a country.
I just mean in terms of where the door is.
The door looks like it's leading
in the wrong direction, away from democracy.
No, I mean, like, literally, I'm asking
literally about the door.
Like, do you open it with your hand?
Do you have to get a butt push?
The door is open.
The exit door is open.
Thank you.
I mean, is it that hard to talk about doors?
Well, yes--
Why is it so hard to just talk about doors?
Well, yes, because you think there's some symbolism
attached to the--
to the idea of the door.
No, there's no-- no, I don't-- no symbolism.
I'm done with symbolism.
What color was the paint in there?
Are we talking eggshell or more of an off white?
[LAUGHS] It was-- it was eggshell, but lot of reds.
But, you know, this isn't really how exit polls work.
I mean, I have a 13-year-old here,
and I'm teaching him the whole civic process.
- Oh, no, I know. - You know that.
I know what exit polls are.
I just cannot talk about these candidates
for one more second.
Yeah, I hear you.
It's not really about exits or doors.
No, I know what exit polling is.
It's just that the midterms stress me
out so much that I want to talk about literally anything else.
Like, this morning I woke up in a cold sweat
screaming, Lee Zeldin!
I think the economy is also very important.
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.
I don't want to hear about that.
Just what did the door handle look like?
You're a coordinator.
Yes.
Oh, just the man I'm looking for.
I'm doing some exit polling.
Can you talk to me about the design of the exits?
Right.
Basically, the exits are--
we have a front exit so people could come in the building.
Also, the people that are handicapped or whatever
can still come out the same way they went in.
Oh, got it.
OK, so the front entrance is also--
- Handicap exit. - --used as an exit.
Yes.
This is just the information I was looking for.
Finally, someone who can give me the answers that I want.
Thank you.
This is just what I wanted to talk about today.
[APPLAUSE]
I've got to go.
OK, go quickly because I don't like goodbyes.
I hate seeing it leave, but I love watching you go.
Not like a pervy way, just like an exiting poll way.
[CHEERING]
Thank you so much for that, Desi.
I feel like that was a complete waste of time.