WE'VE GOT A GOOD ONE FOR YOU, SO LET'S GET RIGHT INTO IT.
FIRST OFF, WE'D LIKE TO CONGRATULATE THE UNIVERSITY OF
VIRGINIA FOR DEFEATING TEXAS TECH LAST NIGHT IN OVERTIME TO
WIN THE N.C.A.A. TOURNAMENT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IF YOU REMEMBER,
IN LAST YEAR'S TOURNAMENT THE UNIVERSITY OF VIRGINIA SUFFERED
A HUMILIATING DEFEAT.
THIS YEAR, THEY'RE THE CHAMPIONS.
YOU REALIZE WHAT THIS MEANS?
THERE'S STILL HOPE FOR HILLARY CLINTON.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT AGAIN, CONGRATULATIONS TO
VIRGINIA.
I HAD YOU WINNING MY BRACKET -- I DID -- FROM THE VERY
BEGINNING.
I PICKED VIRGINIA.
DON'T BELIEVE ME?
TAKE A LOOK.
THERE IT IS RIGHT THERE.
( LAUGHTER ) HERE.
THERE'S MORE FALLOUT FROM THE LARGEST COLLEGE ADMISSIONS
SCANDAL IN HISTORY.
SEVERAL PARENTS INVOLVED WITH BRIBING UNIVERSITIES, INCLUDING
ACTRESS FELICITY HUFFMAN, PLEADED GUILTY YESTERDAY.
AND SHE COULD BE FACING ACTUAL PRISON TIME.
LUCKILY, SHE SHOULD BE OUT IN TIME TO TRY TO GET HER DAUGHTER
INTO GRADUATE SCHOOL.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IF FELICITY HUFFMAN DOESN'T END UP GOING TO FEDERAL PRISON, SHE
IS HOPING TO AT LEAST GET INTO HER SAFETY PRISON.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT WHAT A MASSIVE SCANDAL.
SOME PARENTS PAID $15,000, OTHER PARENTS PAID OVER A MILLION
DOLLARS.
AND YOU KNOW THE PARENTS WHO ONLY PAID $15,000 WERE LIKE,
"HOW DUMB WERE THE OTHER KIDS?" ( LAUGHTER )
A MILLION DOLLARS?!
WHAT?!
( LAUGHTER ) IN OTHER NEWS, A GROCERY STORE
IN AUSTRALIA RECENTLY RECALLED A LINE OF BAKED GOODS AFTER
SOMEONE FOUND CHUNKS OF A PLASTIC CALCULATOR INSIDE.
PIECES OF A CALCULATOR IN A PASTRY?
AND YOU THOUGHT YOU HATED MATH BEFORE.
( LAUGHTER ) HERE'S HOW THEY CAUGHT IT.
SOMEONE WAS EATING ONE OF THE BAKED GOODS AND IMMEDIATELY
SENSED THAT SOMETHING DIDN'T QUITE ADD UP.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Reggie: OH, NO.
( APPLAUSE ) >> James: DIDN'T QUITE ADD UP.
( APPLAUSE ) THEY FOUND CALCULATOR PARTS
INSIDE.
PERSONALLY, I PREFER MY BAKERY ITEMS NOT TO CONTAIN ADDITIVES,
OR SUBTRACT-ITIVES, OR DIVISION-ITIVES.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I KNOW, RIGHT?
I KNOW!
THIS GUY CAN'T BELIEVE HIS LUCK!
HOW MANY BUTTONS CAN YOU UNDO ON THAT SHIRT THROUGHOUT THE SHOW?
( APPLAUSE ) DO YOU SEE THIS GUY?
LOOK AT THIS!
YOU'RE RIGHT IN MY EYE LINE, BUDDY.
I MEAN -- ( APPLAUSE )
AT WHAT POINT DID YOU THINK, YEAH, I'M JUST GOING TO UNDO
ANOTHER ONE.
I'M SO ASHAMED OF MY BODY, I'M, LIKE, CAN I WEAR IT HERE?
THIS IS THE LEVEL OF CONFIDENCE I ASPIRE TO.
TALK ME THROUGH IT.
WHAT HAPPENED?
>> I JUST NEEDED AN OUTFIT.
( LAUGHTER ) >> James: I KNOW YOU NEEDED AN
OUTFIT, BUT IT'S LIKE, I MEAN -- NO, NO, DON'T DO IT FOR ME!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IF YOU'RE GOING TO DO IT, DO
IT, RIGHT?
IF YOU'RE GOING TO DO IT, DO IT.
IF ANYTHING, THIS HAS BOOSTED OUR RATINGS.
THERE ARE NOW HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE WATCHING THIS.
( LAUGHTER ) THIS IS A BIZARRE STORY.
AT A HARDWARE STORE IN CALIFORNIA, A MAN WAS CAUGHT ON
CAMERA ATTEMPTING TO STEAL A CHAINSAW BY HIDING IT IN QUITE
AN UNUSUAL PLACE.
SEE FOR YOURSELF.
HE'S TAKING THE BLADE OF THE CHAINSAW AND STUFFING IT DOWN
HIS PANTS.
HONESTLY, LET HIM KEEP IT.
HE EARNED THAT CHAINSAW MORE THAN ANYONE WHO PAID FOR IT.
USUALLY AS A MAN, YOU JUST DON'T WANT A CHAINSAW THAT CLOSE TO
YOUR WOOD.
THE SUSPECT GOT AWAY AND POLICE ARE DESCRIBING HIM AS MEDIUM
HEIGHT, MEDIUM BUILD, AND EXTREMELY CIRCUMCISED.