“Nurse, nurse, we’re losing him. Bring the defibrillator!” “What happened, doctor?”
“He’s just finished five episodes of She-Hulk.” “Oh God, another one,
but doctor, there’s still four episodes to go!”
“Oh no, nurse... get morphine,
morphine now!” “This is far too much woke for any one man to handle!”
Where’s the Mrs? “She’ll be here soon, she’s watching Coronation Street.” Alright, oh shit,
I’ve got to do this week’s wokedown, doctor.
Here’s the full wokedown for episode 5 of She-Woke: Attorney at War with Men. And doctors.
The recap starts with She-Hulk’s best mate saying, “Lady-Hulk,
Girl-Hulk, She-Hulk, give them what they want.”
I’m not sure that’s the best line to open with,
love. I’d rather have a lumber puncture than watch another series of She-Hulk.
I’ve watched some woke telly in my time, but this, this,
this doesn’t turn water into wine. It turns champagne into... methane.
Remember that cliffhanger from last week? Me neither. Titania, Ginger Spice,
is suing She-Hulk for use of her name.
Not exactly Who Shot JR, is it? Now that’s not a bad idea,
can someone shoot She-Hulk and replace her with a superhero who actually wants to be a superhero?
People say there’s nothing more boring than watching paint dry. Those people
have clearly never watched the green, mean, feminist fighting machine.
As a bloke in Yorkshire, I’m not supposed to cry in public,
but this show makes me cry tears of boredom every episode.
Why’s it not sponsored by Kleenex? Or Dulux?
This advert comes on and it’s all about ‘strength is beauty’. I’m not sure about that,
love. Have you seen some of those women weightlifters?
They could probably pick me up over their heads and throw
me like She-Hulk throws a tantrum, but beauty?
I know it’s in the beholder, but whoever that beholder is needs a
quick trip to Specsavers or a psychiatric clinic.
Beauty is beauty, otherwise we wouldn’t have a separate word for it, would we?
Titania says, “what makes you beautiful is She-Hulk.” That’s not right. After one
episode of She-Hulk I end up coming out of the living room like Father Jack on a weekend bender.
She-Hulk sees the advert on the telly. She looks like me when I remembered that
this superpowered influencer is supposed to be a mass murderer.
The writers should be here in hospital with me, on the Alzheimer’s ward. How have
they forgot that? They’re turned Myra Hindley into Kylie Jenner.
Turns out She-Hulk is shocked someone is making some cash with the nickname she absolutely hates.
How the tables turn when the other side of the table has a fat heap of cash on
it. She-Hulk is shallower than a dried-up puddle.
There’s this pink billboard advertising She-Hulk makeup. Surely this is false advertisement? If
I bought She-Hulk lipstick for Halloween and it wasn’t green there’d be hell on.
Who’s this bloke? He barges in like Kramer in Seinfeld.
She-Hulk says he can’t just burst into her house uninvited, but being the true sexist arsehole he
is, as all blokes are in the She-Hulk universe, he couldn’t give two shits what She-Hulk thinks.
To be fair to him, no one does.
It’s She-Hulk’s cousin, no, not the one we wish we were watching,
but Chad. He’s flogging She-Hulk merch to make a quick buck.
If we weren’t sure how evil it is to make money off She-Hulk’s name before,
now we know. Because a bloke’s doing it.
She-Hulk gets proper pissed when Chad the lad points out the obvious:
Titanic trademarked the She-Hulk name before you did, so it’s all your fault. Serves you right,
She-Hulk, for constantly saying how much you hate the name.
This lad’s called Chad and you’ve never heard him complain once.
The She-Hulk intro turns pink for this episode. Instead of turning it pink,
can they just turn it off?
All these fans of Titania are waiting in line to see her. They must be like
those nuts who all wanted to hook up with the Night Stalker.
“Snake venom lip plumper.” She-Hulk says she’s “literally selling snake
oil.” You’d know a thing or two about that, wouldn’t you, She-Hulk?
This is advertised as a Marvel show and the
only thing to marvel at is how shit CGI can still look in 2022.
She-Hulk finally finds Titania and Titania says, “I’m so sorry,
little child, but the line starts way back there.” Ooh, I like this lass already.
Already shown more personality in these 5 seconds than She-Sulk has in 5 episodes.
How about we just hand over the show to Titania now? Finally someone worth watching.
She-Hulk’s not happy: but is she ever? Has a go at Titania,
telling her she has to stop and take everything down.
I thought she’d be over the moon to see a strong woman conquering the business world.
Nope, she’s only happy when she’s the one doing
the arse kicking. Especially if it’s blokes getting their arses kicked.
“You’re using my name to sell your trashy products.”
The irony runs deeper than a bloody sinkhole here. If this show wasn’t called She-Hulk,
you’d have less viewers than a standing on your head competition.
She-Hulk’s mate says what we’re all thinking: “you didn’t like that name anyways.”
Logic and reason, She-Hulk’s kryptonite. Don’t let that get in the way: “I don’t.
It’s just what people decided to call me. It’s not who I am.”
Jesus wept, even in an episode where the whole premise is she’s fighting to
get her She-Hulk name back, she still says she doesn’t like it.
Come on, love, just embrace who you are. It’s what superheroes are supposed to do.
With great power comes great responsibility and all that,
and you can’t even get past the frigging name section.
“She-Hulk is just a thing that happened to me.” Tell me about it. The world
already had the coronavirus pandemic to deal with and then you came along.
Lord, show us some mercy. We have learnt the error of our ways.
She-Hulk is a real ray of sunshine now. She admits there’s some things
she likes about being She-Hulk. “The amazing hair, no hangover.”
Eh, I thought you were the poster girl for girl power,
but the first thing you think of is your hair?
Can you imagine Clark Kent saying what he loves most about being Superman is his six pack?
So, what else does she like?
“Walking home with headphones on without being afraid.” So, the three things she likes:
her beautiful hair, drinking as much as she wants and walking home with headphones on.
I wonder if Iron Man would have snapped his fingers if he knew these were the
superheroes replacing him? If Dr. Strange saw this, he wants his head examining.
She-Hulk crushes her stapler. This show really is Seinfeld. Larry David, eat your heart out,
mate. The comedy in She-Hulk is gonna’ crush Curb your Enthusiasm like that stapler.
The misogynist lawyer walks up like I walk up to the Mrs when I’m in the mood. He needs a favour:
a partner in crime for a sneakers drop (we call those trainers over here).
One sale per person, so he needs her to come to buy two pairs. She agrees because
he knows a fashion designer who can knit together some new clothes for She-Hulk.
Can he knit together a new personality as well?
She-Hulk gets triggered by a Titania advert and says to us,
“I’m over it. I really am.” Where have we heard that before? [gutter ratings]
They arrive at this café, but it’s actually a front for a secret superhero clothes shop.
They try to persuade the barista bloke to let them in, but he’s playing dumb.
Like all the blokes in this show. She-Hulk’s mate does something completely
out of character. She speaks to him in Chinese and tells him they’re not cops.
Woah, did she just assume he speaks Chinese because he looks Chinese? This is an absolute
disgrace. Someone get on change.org to get this show cancelled. Completely unacceptable.
Oh wait, it wasn’t a white bloke who said it. Nothing to see here, move along.
Even better the barista bloke immediately opens up the secret area.
Don’t expect the one in Men in Black: this is just all the gear you’d find in a Disney shop.
Why is this in some secret backroom? You can find all this at the carboot.
Larry David ain’t got nothing on this, has he?
She-Hulk’s back in the presence of toxic masculinity. This bastard’s
chewing on nuts right in front of her, making her wait. Poor She-Hulk.
Life’s hard enough with an indestructible body and
amazing hair without sexist arsehole blokes wasting her time as well.
He tells her he needs the “frivolous lawsuit” with Titania to be over because it’s got
nothing to do with their law firm. Just like it has nothing to do with a superhero show.
She-Hulk hooks up with this lawyer, but is already whinging again.
“Did Doctor Strange have to trademark his name? Did Thor?”
Thank God for a bit of common sense and She-Woke is shot down:
“You chose two examples of people who use their real names.”
They’re also blokes who love their jobs and never moan about their names. They
also don’t give a shit about their hair, hangovers or walking home with headphones on.
They decide to countersue.
In court, She-Hulk’s whinging about her name comes back to haunt her. “I
will not answer to that name!” “She-Hulk is lazy, reductive and straight-up garbage.”
I could not have worded it better myself. Finally
a bit of self-awareness from the writers. They should just end this episode here.
Surely there’s no way back from this, but like a clogged toilet,
there’s always more shit to come back up from She-Hulk.
She-Hulk’s lawyer plays the clip of She-Hulk on TV. The one where she
said the only reason she’s called She-Hulk is because some arsehole sexist nicknamed her it.
But in the clip, she did accept it’s her nickname now, arsehole not withstanding. The
judge ain’t buying the bullshit from the She-Hulk hating She-Hulk. Come back with more evidence!
Meanwhile, at the secret superhero Disney shop: “Oh, my God!” That’s how we all
reacted in the first episode, mate. “Is the hag convention in town?” Harsh... but fair.
Gok Wan agrees to make a suit for She-Hulk, but he’s gonna need a lot
of fabric. I’d recommend ear plugs as well in case she goes off on one.
She can explode into a man-hating rage at any moment; be prepared, lad.
She-Hulk’s biggest fanboy is back. The one she dated in the last episode. He
called her a specimen, even though we all know that’s far too generous.
She-Hulk says he’s “creepy and disgusting. Monstrous.” Don’t worry,
mate, in the world of She-Hulk that’s a massive compliment.
Every other bloke is basically Harvey Weinstein.
Eureka! She-Hulk’s mind flashes back to her catfishing days when she setup a
She-Hulk profile to lure unsuspecting men instead of using her real pic.
In the real world, catfishing usually gets you publicly flogged or a Netflix
documentary. In She-Hulk, could it be the answer to all her prayers?
In court, her dating ‘About Me’ section says, “Mean, green and straight-poured
into these jeans.” I’d change that to, ‘mean, green and straight-poured down the toilet’.
Marvel needs to flush this shit.
The Usual Sexists are called in one by one. The brawn bloke, the brains bloke
and the bloke who got catfished and slammed the door in her face when he found out.
He says She-Hulk is incredible, but Jen Walters can do one. She’s not his type. We’re supposed
to feel sorry for her here, yet the truth is she’s lucky she even found a bloke who liked She-Hulk.
I’m a bloke, and I know loads of other blokes,
and she’s about as attractive as eating a shit pie for breakfast.
The judge rules in She-Hulk’s favour. The catfishing has paid
off. What an inspirational message to all young women out there watching.
Trick men into the bedroom and you can use it in court
later to start making loads of money. Nice one.
She-Hulk comes to get her new suit. Wait, what’s that? What’s in the box? Finally,
a man for She-Hulk. As blind as a bat... if only he was deaf and dumb as well.
No post-credit scene this week. What a letdown. Straight to the credits.
In the battle for the top of the wokes, She-Hulk had to come out swinging,
but instead, she fought for her trademark and tried on a frock.
Not much in the way of whirlwind tirades against blokes and arseholes proving
how sexist they are. I have to give episode 5 a... 6 out of 10 woke rating.
A massive woke damp squib. If it ain’t good telly, at least make it good woke telly,
and She-Hulk is firing blanks on every front. Must try harder, much harder, She-Hulk.
Loving the wokedowns? Hating the wokeness? Go on,
click that like and subscribe button, you know you want to. Go on, go on, go on.