WELCOME ONE AT ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. IT WAS ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL DAY
HERE IN NEW YORK. 70 DEGREES.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 70 DEGREES AND SUNNY
WITH A CHANCE OF JAIL. BECAUSE ABOUT FOUR MILES SOUTH
OF HERE, THE FORMER PRESIDENT WAS ARRAIGNED ON 34 FELONY
COUNTS. HE WAS SUPPOSED TO ARRIVE AT THE
COURTHOUSE AROUND 11:00 A.M., BUT HE DIDN'T LEAVE HIS BUILDING
UNTIL AFTER 1:00 P.M. WHICH IS PRETTY LATE,
BUT IN HIS DEFENSE, THOSE SPONGEBOB EPISODES JUST
KEEP AUTO-PLAYING. YOU'VE GOT TO SHUT IT.
ONCE HE FINALLY ARRIVED, WE HEARD THESE IMMORTAL WORDS.
>> THIS MOMENT AT 1:24 P.M. EASTERN TIME, DONALD J. TRUMP
IS UNDER ARREST. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT, I UNDERSTAND.
I KNOW. I KNOW.
I KNO. IT FEELS GOOD.
BUT REMEMBER, HE'S INNOCENT UNTIL PROVEN
SO, SO GUILTY. AT THAT POINT, OF COURSE,
HE WAS READ HIS MIRANDA RIGHTS. THEN HE CLAIMED MIRANDA
WASN'T EVEN HIS TYPE, ASKED HER TO SIGN AN NDA, AND GOT
INDICTED AGAIN. THE JUDGE RULED THAT VIDEO
CAMERAS WERE NOT ALLOWED IN THE COURTROOM,
BUT DID ALLOW SOME STILL PHOTOGRAPHY.
HERE T IS. TO HIS LEFT IS HIS LAWYER,
JOE TACOPINA, SEEN HERE SAYING, "HOW MANY TS
IN ATTORNEY? HEY, WHEN YOU TRACE YOUR HAND IT
KINDA LOOKS LIKE A TURKEY! BOSS, SHOULD WE GET SANDWICHES?"
THEN, FOR A LONG TIME, ALL WE HAD WAS THESE STILL
PHOTOS, SO CABLE NEWS DID THEIR BEST TO FILL TIME.
>> THAT IS A PISSED OFF DONALD TRUMP.
>> HE DOESN'T LOOK LIKE A HAPPY MAN IN THESE IMAGES.
>> NO QUESTION THAT IS AN ANGRY DONALD TRUMP.
>> IT'S NOT JUST ANGER, THERE'S A WEIGHT,
THERE'S A SADNESS. HE LOOKS LIKE A DEFEATED MAN.
>> ALMOST PENSIVE. >> Stephen: PENSIVE?
YOU KNOW PENSIVE MEANS "THINKING," RIGHT?
THIS IS WHAT HE ALWAYS LOOKS LIKE!
THERE'S NO WAY OF KNOWING WHAT'S GOING ON
IN HIS HEAD. ACTUALLY, THERE IS ONE WAY.
JIM, CAN WE ZOOM IN? ♪ ♪
THAT LOOKS TASTY. THEY ALSO RELEASED A COURT
SKETCH. THERE IT IS.
HERE'S THE FORMER PRESIDENT BEING INDICTED FOR STEALING ALL
OF HOOVILLE'S CHRISTMAS PRES PRESENTS.
SURE. >> YOU ARE A FOUL ONE.
>> Stephen: THERE WAS ONE CAMERA IN THE HALLWAY OUTSIDE
THE COURTROOM WHERE THE EX-PRESIDENT FOUND OUT THERE'S A
LOT LESS POMP AND CIRCUMSTANCE AROUND YOU WHEN YOU'RE THE
DEFENDANT THAN WHEN YOU ARE THE COMMANDER IN CHIEF.
>> THERE'S A COURT OFFICER I BELIEVE WHO ENTERS BEFORE HIM
DOESN'T HOLD THE DOOR OPEN FOR HIM.
AND THE FORMER PRESIDENT ACTUALLY HAS TO PUSH THE DOOR
OPEN FOR HIMSELF, WHICH IS PROBABLY THE FIRST TIME
HE'S HAD TO THAT IN QUITE SOME TIME.
>> Stephen: WOW. THAT'S KIND OF SPECIAL.
IT'S NOT OFTEN YOU SEE A DOOR HITTING AN ASS ON THE WAY IN.
NOW, BOOM! NO?
WHILE IN COURT, THE FORMER PRESIDENT WAS OFFICIALLY CHARGED
WITH 34 FELONY COUNTS OF FALSIFYING BUSINESS RECORDS,
ALL OF WHICH WERE CLASSIFIED AS CLASS E FELONIES.
WELL,LEAVE IT TO THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN TOILET.
EVEN HIS FELONIES ARE CLASS E. NOW, SOME HAVE POINTED OUT THAT
CLASS E ARE THE LOWEST LEVEL OF FELONIES IN THE NEW YORK
STATE PENAL CODE. SO, LITTLE CRIMES.
NOTHING SERIOUS. KINDA CUTE.
LIKE OTHER CLASS E FELONIES, ARSON IN THE FOURTH DEGREE,
WELFARE FRAUD, OR ABANDONMENT OF A CHILD.
"DON'T WORRY, DAD. I'LL NEVER TESTIFY AGAINST YOU.
YOU CAN BUY MY SILENCE WITH A HUG.
OR YOU COULD HAVE MICHAEL COHEN HUG ME AND THEN SECRETLY HUG HIM
BACK OFF THE BOOKS." NOW, SOME
JUST SOME. THANK YOU.
A LOT OF ABUNDANCE WARNED THAT NEW YORK WOULD BE OVERWHELMED BY
AN ANGRY MOB BUT THIS MORNING THERE WERE SO FEW PRO MAGA
PROTESTERS THAT REPORTERS HAD TO LINE UP TO TALK TO THEM.
IT'S NEVER A GOOD SIGN WHEN THERE ARE FEWER PEOPLE AT YOUR
CURRENT RALLY THAN THERE ARE IN PRISON FOR YOUR LAST ONE.
ONCE HE SAW THE WEAK TURNOUT, THE PRESIDENT WAS QUICK TO BLAME
IT ON LOCATION, POSTING ON TRUTH SOCIAL:
"VERY UNFAIR VENUE, WITH SOME AREAS THAT
VOTED 1% REPUBLICAN. THIS CASE SHOULD BE MOVED
TO NEARBY STATEN ISLAND." YES.
MAKING IT THE FIRST TIME ANYONE HAS EVER SAID,
"WE SHOULD GO TO STATEN ISLAND." THE FERRY IS SO FUN.
IT'S FREE. ONE MAGA-LAGA DING-DONG
WHO WAS THERE TODAY WAS MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE.
ON HER WAY TO SPEAK OUTSIDE --
>> [BOOING] >> Stephen: ON HER WAY TO
SPEAK OUTSIDE THE COURTHOUSE SHE GAVE AN INTERVIEW ABOUT HOW
NOBLE THIS INDICTMENT REALLY IS. >> TRUMP IS JOINING SOME OF THE
MOST INCREDIBLE PEOPLE IN HISTORY BEING ARRESTED TODAY.
NELSON MANDELA WAS ARRESTED, SERVED TIME IN PRISON.
JESUS! JESUS WAS ARRESTED."
>> Stephen: IT'S TRUE. JESUS WAS ARRESTED.
I KEEP FORGETTING THAT JESUS WAS PUT ON TRIAL FOR GETTING
JUDAS TO PAY MARY MAGDELENE NOT TO TELL ANYONE SHE
SPANKED HIM WITH A DEAD SEA SCROLL.
WHICH, OF COURSE, LED TO HIS FAMOUS SERMON.
"HEAVENLY FATHER, PLEASE REMIND THEM TO DONATE GENEROUSLY
AT JesusHChrist.biz OKAY, HERE I GO, ASCENDING
TO HEAVEN LIKE A DOG." I DON'T REMEMBER THAT
PART OF THE... GREENE WASN'T THE ONLY WACKY
CHARACTER TO VISIT THE COURTHOUSE TODAY.
ONE MAGA PROTESTOR WAS THERE TO BRING THE LOUD.
>> YOU'RE PRO TRUMP? >> YEAH.
>> YOU'RE HANDING OUT WHISTLES TO --
>> YEAH, MAKE A NOISE. MAKE A NOISE.
EVERYBODY MUST HEAR US. EVERYBODY MUST HEAR US.
>> YOU DON'T WORRY THAT IT MIGHT BE DROWNING OUT
MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE OR WHATEVER OVER THERE?
>> I LIKE TO MAKE A NOISE. I'M HERE TO MAKE A NOISE.
[LAUGHTER] >> Stephen: I THINK HE MIGHT
HAVE THE EX-PRESIDENT'S HONEST NEW CAMPAIGN SLOGAN.
"I LIKE TO MAKE A NOISE." SO, WITH FEWER MAGA THAN
PREDICTED AND A WHOLE LOT OF THE NOISE, IT'S NO SURPRISE THAT
GREENE FLED HER OWN RALLY AFTER JUST 10 MINUTES.
WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT NEW YORK.
IF YOU CAN MAKE IT HERE, YOU'RE NOT
MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE. AND WE WILL HAVE THE COMPOSER
OF THAT SONG, JOHN KANDER, RIGHT OVER THERE
IN JUST A FEW MINUTES. WITH LIN-MANUEL MIRANDA.
CRAZY DAY. ALL THE CRAZIES WERE OUT.
THERE WAS A GUY DRESSED AS FREDDY KRUGER, HOLDING A SIGN
CALLING THE DISTRICT ATTORNEY A "NIGHTMARE."
HE WASN'T THE ONLY HORROR MOVIE VILLAIN.
THERE WAS ALSO A GUY THERE DRESSED AS LEATHERFACE.
NOW, AS FASCINATING AS TODAY WAS, IT ALSO GIVES ME
THIS UNEASY FEELING. 'CAUSE NO MATTER HOW YOU FEEL
ABOUT THE EX-PRESIDENT, AND I'M ON THE RECORD AS TO
HOW I FEEL ABOUT HIM -- NOW STREAMING ON PARAMOUNT+
A MOUNTAIN OF "[BLEEP] THAT GUY."
THE MAN WHO WAS ARRESTED TODAY IS LIKELY TO BE THE REPUBLICAN
NOMINEE FOR PRESIDENT, EVEN IF HE HAS TO ACCEPT THE
NOMINATION ON THE PHONE THROUGH PLEXIGLASS.
SO ALL OF THIS WAS WEIRD AND TOTALLY UNPRECEDENTED,
YET IT STILL FEELS LIKE THE RIGHT THING TO DO.
THE SAME WAY IT WOULD BE WEIRD AND UNPRECEDENTED TO SHOOT
A TRANQ DART INSIDE THE SUPREME COURT, BUT IT WOULD
BE THE RIGHT THING TO DO IF THE SENATE CONFIRMED CHIEF
JUSTICE COCAINE BEAR. SO, ALL IN ALL,
THIS IS A PRETTY BIG DEAL. AND THESE AREN'T EVEN THE
BIGGEST CHARGES. THE BIG ONES ARE BEING
INVESTIGATED BY SPECIAL COUNSEL JACK SMITH,
SEEN HERE OFFICIATING A WEDDING ON ZARGON-5.
AMONG OTHER CRIME-INGS, SMITH IS INVESTIGATING
THE CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS DOWN IN MAR-A-LAGO,
AND YESTERDAY, WE GOT A SPICY UPDATE.
THE FBI HAS FRESH EVIDENCE POINTING TO POSSIBLE
OBSTRUCTION. I ASSUME THEY MEAN "OF JUSTICE."
THOUGH IT COULD BE "OF COLON." SPECIFICALLY, INVESTIGATORS HAVE
NEW AND SIGNIFICANT EVIDENCE THAT AFTER THE SUBPOENA
WAS DELIVERED, THE EX PRESIDENT LOOKED THROUGH THE CONTENTS OF
SOME OF THE BOXES OF DOCUMENTS, APPARENTLY OUT OF A DESIRE
TO KEEP CERTAIN THINGS IN HIS POSSESSION.
AND WE KNOW THIS BECAUSE THEY'VE GOT SECURITY CAMERA FOOTAGE!
HE WAS BUSTED BY HIS OWN SECURITY CAMERAS!
HOW COULD HE MAKE THAT MISTAKE? TWO OF THE FIVE WORDS
HE KNOWS ARE "CAMERA" AND "TV." IN ADDITION --
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [HUMMING "YMCA"]
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE BROADWAY LEGENDS JOHN KANDER
AND LIN-MANUEL MIRANDA. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK,
MY TECH SEGMENT, "CYBORGASM."