Have you ever sent or received a nude photograph?
Yes. And yes.
Go on, then...
How do you feel about that, Dad?
I'm not supri-
I'm not surprised at all.
I know that if I look at this pile of questions,
that I don't know the answers to probably all of them,
but I suspect the answers to all of them.
And so we've always let you plough your own furrow,
haven't we, in that side of it?
Trouble is you've ploughed too many furrows.
How many people have you slept with?
Do I need the calculator?
Potentially.
Oh, I think I-
I don't think we should get into
that conversation right now.
Okay.
I'm happy to pass on that.
There's been a few.
Can you remember everybody you slept with?
We don't have time for this.
Sorry, I've just made -
Next question.
I've just made that question up.
Do I have a pen? I'll just write that down.
I don't think you'd want to know.
What's your favorite sex position?
Wow. Okay. Um.
Doggy style...?
Doggy style!
That's it. Oh, oh, oh.
My finger just locked up there.
Dying. Okay, next question, please.
I actually don't want to know the answer to this one.
Have you ever heard me have sex?
Once.
Only once?
When I was, I think, 10, we'd just moved into the new house.
Did it sound like I was enjoying myself?
No, shut up. Ugh. Definitely not.
I was just like, "Ah! I shouldn't be here,"
and then ran away.
Well, I didn't know that.
There you go.
Well, thankfully.
It's not something I'd bring up at the breakfast table.
Yeah.
Heard you both at it.
Oh wait, actually, I'd like to hear your answer to this.
And I'm not going to let you press the button on this.
I want the answer.
Have you ever stolen anything from me?
Yes.
What?
I used to take your American dollars
and go and swap them at the post office for English money.
Did you really?
Yeah.
So when I came back from America -
They were hidden in your briefcase in your wardrobe
and I found them one day
and that was my little stash for a while.
Did it quite regularly.
Sorry.
If you had the opportunity to switch genders for a day...
Right.
Yup.
What's the first thing you would do?
Okay so, me and my mates actually
talk about this quite a lot.
You talk about this?
Yeah. We do.
Me and Steph, especially, and we always say
that we want to dip our bollocks in hummus.
Just like wrap them and drop them in there.
I've no idea why.
And then obviously -
Do you know how difficult that would be?
I know.
It's quite niche, isn't it?
And then also, I don't know,
I'd just want to like put it in stuff. Like, just anything.
Like donuts.
Now you know what a man feels like.
When you got one of those,
you just want to put it in something.
Put it in stuff!
I've never put my bollocks in hummus
or in a donut.
'Hu-mus?'
It is 'hu-mus' or hummus?
You get a shock for saying 'hu-mus'.
Oh, I don't know.
Have you ever sent or received a nude photograph?
Yes. And yes.
Go on, then...
How do you feel about that, Dad?
I'm not supri-
I'm not surprised at all.
I mean, it's just life nowadays, isn't it?
Nudes, yeah.
Nudes are just life nowadays.
Yeah, nudes. I mean -
Send nudes.
No. Not you.
When was the last time you had sex?
Well, Dad, it's been a bit of a drought,
thanks to the pandemic.
So you mean I'm winning so far?
Steve one and Emily none.
When your parents have got a better sex life than you,
it's actually quite tragic.
But yes, you are winning. It's been a while.
What age did you start watching porn?
Regularly? I reckon, like, 22.
Was it when you... did you see your first...
You want to know more?
I do want to know.
Did you see your first willy on the internet?
First willy!
Did I see my first willy on the internet?
Yeah, well, it would have been on the telly, I reckon.
What was it? Eurotrash.
Oh yeah, I remember Eurotrash.
And I used to watch it on mute in my bedroom...
Just in case a willy went past!
Just in case you came in
and then I could hear the footsteps
and I could turn it off quickly.
So yeah, Eurotrash is where I saw my first willy.
Alright. A follow-up with that one.
What's your most watched porn genre?
You don't have to press it twice.
I'm still actually suffering from the first one.
There you go, there's your answer.
Right, okay, you don't want that one.
That means there is one, though...
There is an answer, yes, but you can have the facts,
but you don't need to know the details.
Do you think that I've been a good parent?
Yes, Dad, you have been an amazing parent.
I don't like being too cheesy and gushing, do I?
But yes, I think you've been an amazing parent
and done everything within your power
to try and make me and Jack happy.
And you're an absolute character. Everyone loves you.
Thank you, darling.
You're welcome.
Oh yeah. That was cute, wasn't it?
Yeah. I enjoyed that.
Quite funny.