.
AS KIDS WE OFTEN FIGHT WITH
OUR BROTHERS AND SISTERS OVER
SILLY THINGS.
AS ADULTS YOU FIGHT WITH YOUR
BROTHERS AND SISTERS OVER SILLY
THINGS, STILL.
THERE ARE REAL ADULT
PROBLEMS.
THEY COME ALONG.
IN TODAY'S RELATIONSHIP REBOOT,
WE'RE GETTING ADVICE ON DEALING
WITH SIBLING RIVALRY.
JOINING US IS DR. K IRS TIN --
KIRSTIN SEAL.
SO MANY PEOPLE DEAL WITH THIS
ISSUE.
YES.
DO YOU THINK WE HOLD ONTO THE
STUFF FROM CHILDHOOD?
I KNOW WE HOLD ONTO THE STUFF
FROM CHILDHOOD.
YEAH, I THINK THIS JUST HAPPENS.
IT IS INTERESTING BECAUSE SOME
KIDS WHO FIGHT A LOT DURING
CHILDHOOD END UP BEING REALLY
GOOD FRIENDS IN ADULT HOOD AND
SOME WHO WERE GOOD FRIENDS IN
CHILDHOOD AREN'T GOOD FRIENDS IN
ADULT HOOD.
GENERALLY SPEAKING, WHEN YOU GET
TO ADULT HOOD WITH YOUR
SIBLINGS, THIS IS PART OF YOUR
FAMILY.
YOU'LL BE SIBLINGS FOR YOUR
WHOLE LIVES NO MATTER HOW YOU
FEEL ABOUT EACH OTHER.
WHAT I SEE A LOT IN MY PRACTICE
IS PEOPLE COMING BACK TO THERAPY
TRYING TO FIGURE OUT SIBLING
RELATIONSHIPS AND FAMILY
RELATIONSHIPS IN A WAY THAT CAN
HELP THEM GET ALONG BETTER.
WHEN YOU'RE KIDS, GENERALLY
YOU'RE IN THE SAME HOUSE OR TWO
HOUSES BUT WHEN YOU'RE ADULTS,
PEOPLE START MOVING ALL OVER THE
COUNTRY AND YOU DEVELOP THESE
DIFFERENT RELATIONSHIPS WITH
YOUR PARENTS, TOO.
THAT IS ONE OF THINGS TO KEEP IN
MIND IS THE UNIQUE RELATIONSHIP
AND IT IS OKAY THAT IT IS
DIFFERENT.
WHAT IS FUNNY IS IT STARTS
FROM BIRTH.
A FAMILY OF FOUR KIDS, SAY, THE
OLDEST KID IS BORN INTO THE
FAMILY AND THEY'RE THE FIRST
CHILD BUT THE YOUNGEST COMES
INTO A FAMILY WITH THREE OTHER
KIDS AND ALSO, LIKE, EIGHT OR
TEN YEARS DOWN THE LINE, SO
ACTUALLY, CHILDREN ARE BORN INTO
DIFFERENT FAMILIES EVEN THOUGH
IT IS THE SAME FAMILY, RIGHT?
AND SO ADDRESSING WHAT YOU SAID,
ABSOLUTELY, PEOPLE MOVE AROUND
AND THEN RELATIONSHIPS WITH
PARENTS CHANGE AND THAT IS
SOMETHING TO KEEP IN MIND AND
TRY NOT TO, HERE IS THE THING
THAT HAPPENS.
MOM ALWAYS LOVED YOU BEST
SYNDROME.
BACK WHEN YOU WERE DADS FAVORITE
BECAUSE DIFFERENT KIDS CONNECT
WITH DIFFERENT PARENTS AT
DIFFERENT TIMES AND SOMETIMES
THE RESENTMENTS CAN BE TROUBLE
SOME.
WHAT DO YOU DO IF YOU FEEL
YOUR SIBLINGS ARE ONE UPPING YOU
OR COMPETING WITH YOU.
MAYBE YOU WERE BETTER AT
SOCCER OR I DON'T KNOW, YOU WERE
THE PROM KING OR QUEEN, RIGHT,
OR SOMETHING.
SO WHEN THAT HAPPENS IT IS
USUALLY BECAUSE THEY'RE FEELING
LEFT OUT AND NOT ACKNOWLEDGED.
IF YOU'RE FEELING A SENSE OF
COMPETITION FROM A SIBLING, JUST
KIND OF GIVE THEM KIND OF MORE
ATTENTION.
SHOWER THEM WITH LOVE, AND ALSO
TRY TO MAKE SURE YOU'RE NOT SORT
OF MAYBE UNCONSCIOUSLY COMPETING
WITH THEM OR UNUPPING THEM.
A LOT OF TIMES YOU THINK THAT
THEY'RE ONE UPPING YOU.
IT MIGHT BE YOU AND THEY
MIGHT BE RESPONDING WHICH IS THE
INTERESTING DANCE AND PATTERN WE
HAVE IN RELATIONSHIPS THAT CAN
BE SO POWERFUL.
THE HEART TO HEART
DISCUSSIONS CAN BE DIFFICULT TO
HAVE BUT THEY'RE REALLY
IMPORTANT.
THEY'RE REALLY IMPORTANT.
GENERALLY SPEAKING, I TRY TO
RECOMMEND TO PEOPLE TO NOT HAVE
ALCOHOL INVOLVED WHEN THEY'RE
DOING THESE THE ALCOHOL IS A
DISINHIBITOR.
WE HAVE A COUPLE OF COCKTAILS.
AND DURING THE HOLIDAYS,
PEOPLE ARE DRINKING.
PEOPLE ARE TIRED AND CRABBY.
DON'T DO THAT.
TRY NOT TO DO THAT.
TRY TO HAVE, LIKE, GO OUT TO
BREAKFAST AND JUST SAY THERE IS
SOMETHING I FEEL LIKE WE HAVEN'T
REALLY DISCUSSED AND YOU KNOW,
HOW ABOUT THAT TIME 15 YEARS
AGO, I FEEL LIKE I MAYBE SHOULD
HAVE BEEN MORE AWARE, YOU KNOW,
WHEN YOUR JOB WOULD BE TO REPAIR
THE RELATIONSHIP AND TO WORK ON
THAT WITH A SIBLING YOU FEEL
LIKE THERE IS A LITTLE BIT OF --
WHAT DO YOU DO IF ONE OF YOUR
SIBLINGS KEEPS RELITIGATING THE
INJUSTICES OF YOUTH.
WE RECOMMEND TRYING NOT TO DO
A CUTOFF WHICH IS WHEN YOU'RE
ACTUALLY, LIKE, THAT'S IT I'M
NOT TALKING TO YOU ANYMORE.
THAT DOESN'T HELP.
YOU END UP HAVING THE PERSON
ACTUALLY LIVING RIGHT HERE EVEN
THOUGH I'M NOT TAKING THE CALLS
OR E-MAILING THEM.
WHAT I RECOMMEND WITH THAT IS
JUST LIMIT YOUR TIME, LIKE, I
KNOW A WOMAN WHO HAD A REALLY
HARD RELATIONSHIP WITH ONE OF
HER SIBLINGS AND SHE COULD SEE
THAT SIBLING ONCE OR TWICE A
YEAR AND THAT WAS KIND OF IT.
ALLOW YOURSELF TO DO THAT.
EXACTLY.
THEN YOU CAN HAVE, YOU MIGHT NOT
BE ABLE TO HAVE THE RELATIONSHIP
YOU WISH BUT THEN YOU CAN HAVE