I'm 35 now.
I'm 35, I just got my own place.
Took a while.
Some people my age are astronauts.
I'm just excited
that I get to pee with the door open.
Which is what I did at my old place,
it just made my roommate sad.
Be like, "You're 35, you think you can close the door?"
I'm like, "You're 40 and living with a guy
"that pees with the door open.
Maybe you need to get your life together."
"Judge not, lest..." how the rest of that goes.
[clears throat]
I just like how you get reminded
of, like, your own immaturity.
Like, I was using one of those accelerator hand dryers--
like, the super high-powered ones--
and I realized, if I put my hands just right,
I can make a totally wicked fart sound.
And right as I perfected the fart sound,
I remember like, "Oh, yeah,
one of my best friends from high school is a surgeon."
But then I was just like, "That's too bad.
"He's got no time to make wicked fart sounds
"with the hand dryer.
"He's got to scrub up
"and get right to the operating room.
"Rough life for him. Rough life.
He's missing out."
I don't know if I got my own place because it's like,
I'm thir--like, that's what-- like, it was the pressures
of, like, societal pressures.
Like, "That's what you do.
"You're 35. You're a grown man.
"You live by yourself and you're an independent man.
"You live by yourself and you start drinking scotch
"instead of crappy beer, and you switch back to briefs.
"That's what you do, 'cause you're a grown man
and that's what grown men do."
Or if I got my own place 'cause I realize
I'm about to get the type of weird
that I can't even have people witness on accident anymore.
Things are about to get strange
and I'm gonna need some solitude for that.
And I think it's much more that.
It's not so much like, "I'm gonna pay my bills on time
and read more books."
It's much more like, "Twizzlers look like
they fit in buttholes,
and I cannot have somebody walking into the laboratory
when Dr. Kyle's conducting his experiments."
It's this corkscrew shape.
Lick 'em and stick 'em, fellas.
Find out about your bodies.
It's 2012.
It's not gay. It's about loving yourself.
It's okay.
A lot of people think Henry David Thoreau
went into the woods--
civil disobedience, self-reliance.
No. Twizzlers in buttholes.
"T" in the "B." That's what he needed.
Read
That is stupid. [laughs]
Oh, man.
Hey, you guys ever get so lonely
you sleep on your own couch instead of in your own bed
'cause at least that way it feels
like you're laying next to somebody?
[laughter and groans]
"Looks like I'm the little spoon again tonight."
[laughs]
Maybe throw an ex-girlfriend's old t-shirt on a pillow.
Not for humping, just for cuddling.
Nobody's weird here.
"Loneliness" is a subjective term.
You know, it's-- it's different for everybody.
I mean, you're a castaway on an island.
There's nobody around.
That's lonely, you know?
But it could also mean you lack the simple courage
to be able to say, "Hello" to somebody
sitting next to you on a bus.
That's lonely too, you know?
For me, I can define loneliness.
I can just hone it in as the very moment
that I realized that I had forgotten
I was masturbating
at a motel in Green Bay, Wisconsin.
That's it. That's the point.
That what I remember.
'Cause that's what happens.
I'm a comedian. My dream came true.
A lot of my dream is just me in a hotel room
treating myself like an animal.
Just-- it's not even sexual anymore.
It's just, like, an aggressive shooing away
of a nuisance at this point.
So like I-- "Come on, get out of here."
It's like I'm taking a broom to get raccoons off the porch.
Like, "Come on. Just--yah!
Yah!"
I understand now why a dog can hump something
but still look right at you.
Like, I understand that.
You see a dog, it's like, "What?
"This feels good and you're my buddy.
"What's--why?
"You're the one making it weird.
What? What?"
It was. I was just, like, in the shower
and there's a boner.
I was like, "Well, roll up your sleeves, you know?"
"It's like shoveling snow at this point.
You know what we do. Something you gotta do."
Just dead-eyed, staring at a wall.
And I realized that on the shelf there,
I'd bought the little size of shampoo--
I bought dandruff shampoo on accident.
And I saw that and I was like, "I don't have dandruff."
And I remembered that's, like,
the old Head and Shoulders jingle.
'Cause I was like, "I don't have dandruff,"
and then, out loud, I just went, "Exactly."
Then I got...
[laughter]
And I had a little chuckle.
I had a little chuckle to myself.
I'm like, "That's funny.
"If you're making jokes like this and you're in the shower,
"you're right to go out there and pursue your dreams, Kyle.
"You're on the right path.
"You're doing this stuff in the shower.
"You're cutting yourself up.
"You're doing the right thing with your life.
"Anyway, what else-- what were we doing?
Oh, yeah, well..."
Oh, man.
It's good I got my own place,
because, like, instead of going to the gym
like, I could just stay home and cry now,
so that's pretty awesome.
You macho guys crying yet? You doing any of that stuff?
Tough guys? Having a good cry?
Waylon Jennings, you getting one?
I love a good old cry.
It's good for you.
Do what you gotta do. Allow that.
It's not good to keep that stuff--do what you do.
Pull the drapes,
put on a DVD of
let it out.
Let it out.
It's not good to keep all those emotions
bottled up inside of you.
Now, it's not great to uncork 'em all
at the grocery store at 11:30 at night.
But once you've allowed yourself these triggers,
you don't know when that magical Linda Ronstadt song
is gonna play, and you're just in the frozen food section
like, "We're doing this here?
"We're doing this here. Okay.
[mock sobbing]
"Whoo-hoo-hoo. All right.
"Wow. Oh.
"Stouffer's frozen dinner for two?
"Looks like I'm gonna have leftovers on that one,
Yeah, she is gone. All right."
You ever see a TV dinner just abandoned in the beer aisle?
[laughter]
Yeah, that's me.
I did that.
That's my street art.
Take that, Banksy.
I don't even have to mess up anybody's wall
or nothin'.
Just left some Salisbury steaks up top some Coors Lights.
I think you get the message.