-I wanted to say, seriously, thank you for making it here,
because I know your flight was canceled.
-Yes. -You were in Rochester?
-Rochester. Exotic. I was vacationing.
-No. Upstate. -A lot of sunscreen.
Uh, yeah. -What were you doing over there?
You were doing stand-up? -I don't remember.
Okay. I was doing stand-up in Alfred, New York.
-Okay. Yeah. That was you.
-Yes. It's a magical town that you can't find.
And when you get there, they're like, "What?"
"How did I get here?" -"How did you get here?"
-Yeah, so, they -- I was -- I had to --
They canceled my flight.
And so I was like, "Screw you, Rochester!
I'm driving!
I'm going to make it here to the 'Megyn Kelly' show."
-"The Tonight Show." -"Tonight Show."
-"Tonight Show." Yeah. She's across the hall, but, yeah.
-Yeah, but -- and then I said to the guy who was going to
drive me to the airport, "Take me to Manhattan."
And they were like, "Ha, ha, ha, ha!"
And so I said, "I'm calling an Uber."
And I put in "Manhattan."
And the Uber laughed at me.
And so I called the driver,
and I said, "Can you take me to Manhattan?"
And he was like, "[Bleep] yeah."
So -- He didn't say that, Uber company.
And -- he -- it -- He was amazing. 'Cause the weather --
-Wait. So you really took an Uber here?
-Yes. -For real?
-And he was an amazing driver.
It was like we were in an video --
like an Xbox One X game called "Forza: Albany."
And it's -- It was --
He -- You couldn't see 50 feet in front of you.
-'Cause it was raining, yeah. -Yes.
And I swear he kept stopping for Mountain Dew Code Red.
And -- -Is that what he likes?
-Yes. And I kept having to pee 'cause I'm in my 40s.
And he was like, "I'm fine, bro."
And -- -Really?
-He got me here. -What was his name?
-His name is Chris Costello.
And he was the best Uber driver I've ever had.
-Hey, he got you here. Chris. -A great man.
-And you brought a photo. -Yeah, let's show them.
There he is.
-This is a photo. This is you and Chris Costello.
Thank you, Chris, for having -- Thank you, buddy.
-Thanks, Chris. Yeah. [ Cheers and applause ]
-Thank you for getting Joel here.
We really appreciate that, Chris.
-Yeah. Of course, I didn't talk to him at all.
-No, yeah. And you didn't give him five stars, did you?
-No, no. I just gave him like two stars.
[ Audience groans ]
No, I always think they're great.
Yes, I gave him all the stars you possibly could.
-How long was that ride? That's like --
-It's -- It was about six hours.
-[ Laughs ] -And I rode in the front seat.
And we talked.
-Yeah, you talked his ear off. You made it worth your while.
-Oh, we're friends.
[ Laughter ]
-You look like you're a pretty fit guy.
Always in good shape. -I am. Thanks for saying that.
-But I just read somewhere that you competed in a triathlon?
-Yes, I did. I competed in a triathlon.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-That seems like -- I couldn't do any of that.
-Oh, you could compete in this one,
because I was in the celebrity division.
-Hey. What is that? -Well, it's where --
If you're a celebrity competing,
just imagine kind of an average athlete
with like four Ambien in them.
And that's about the level at which we compete.
And, of course, it's a triathlon.
And if you're a celebrity, you just do one leg.
So I -- -So it's an athlon.
-Yeah, it's -- Yeah. -It's just one.
-It's just -- I just went for a run.
-Congratulations on running. -Yeah.
And I beat James Marsden.
-Ooh! -Yeah, from -- I won.
I won. So I beat -- He was two. And he's --
-You actually -- You were competing. You won.
-Oh, I was going to beat -- -James Marsden? I mean.
-Yeah. Have you seen him? He's super-cute.
And he's -- total -- -He's a stud.
-He is a fox. -He is a good-looking dude.
-And I would totally turn for him.
-Yeah.
-No, so, I beat him, and I was so happy.
And then I realized, though, I won the race,
but he's still like 6,000 times better-looking than me.
So I popped him.
-No, you did not. -No, I did not. I didn't.
-You won, but he really won. -But you should do it next year.
-Oh, really? I'm definitely going to run next to you
and James Marsden, yeah. -No, no. You should do it.
-And we'll take our shirts off, too. That'd be fantastic.
-Yeah. -That'd be really great.
-That sounds good. Look at -- [ Cheers and applause ]
Do it now! Do it now!
-You guys would see so much Spanx,
you'd have no idea what would happen.
-Just zippers and ties.
-Spring -- Coils coming -- Like an old couch.
Bing, bong, bung, ding! What? He's a robot!
-He's wearing a girdle from the 1800s!
-Yeah. Totally, man. Uh, how is the fam?
You got two sons, right? Two boys?
-Yeah. Yeah. No, they're great.
-Sorry. Sorry.
-People always go like, "Yep, I do."
And I just want to be like, "Eh, probably."
-You definitely do. -Yeah, no.
-I have a 13 and a 10,
and the 13-year-old now is --
You know, he's maturing. And his voice is deep.
And I --
-Does he get to come and -- come to the show and play?
-Well, he -- They watch the show.
And a couple weeks ago, we had Bill Nye the Science Guy.
The only --
[ Cheers and applause ]
He's not here! Yeah, no, he's really great.
And we had a bit where he pretended to go back in time
and change the name of the show from
"The Joel McHale Show with Joel McHale"
to "The Penis McHale Show with Penis McHale."
Yes, it's high-brow.
We're going to win -- We're going to win a lot of awards.
-Yeah. -So, I came home after it aired.
And my 13-year-old was like, "Hey, Penis is home!"
Penis McHale is home. -That's right in his wheelhouse.
That's right in a 13-year-old's wheelhouse.
And my wheelhouse, too.
That makes me laugh. I love it, man.
-Oh, and every morning, he's like, "Dad --
I mean, not Dad. Penis Dad.
Are you going -- are you going to have a cup of coffee?
I can get you that, Penis."
-That's so sweet of him.
You're fantastic at this, obviously.
I've seen you for years do the -- where you show the clips.
Could be reality shows, could be whatever shows you're into.
But it's great. It's funny. It's fantastic.
I want to show a clip.
Here's Joel McHale in "The Joel McHale Show."
Take a look at this.
-Basketball -- a sport that tests the limits
of human agility and coordination.
High school -- a time when your body
is at its most awkward and gangly.
Put these two together,
add a puddle of water, and you get sports magic.
♪♪♪♪
Hmm.
Honestly, I expected more from
the Clumsington High School Flailin' White Guys.
-Joel McHale, everybody! -Thank you.
-His new show is streaming now on Netflix!