This is a fun job.
I had a lot of bad jobs before this.
I got fired from all of them.
One job I got fired from,
this is true,
I used to be a house painter.
I used to paint the outside
of people's homes.
And how I got fired from that job is,
long story short,
I painted the wrong house.
(audience laughing)
It's 100% a true story.
I guess we got the address wrong,
and whoever lived in that house left
for work early in the morning
stupidly assuming no one's going
to paint their home.
(audience laughing)
And then we pulled in the driveway
like one second later
and committed a crime
for eight hours in the sun.
(audience laughing)
And then our boss finally found us.
This was before smartphones.
He finally found us.
He was like, "Oh, my.
"You guys painted the wrong house."
And this is how we solved
the problem.
Now pay close attention.
We packed everything up
and drove away.
(audience laughing)
Criminal masterminds, yeah, yeah,
yeah.
And then we were fired, of course.
We're morons.
But what that means, though, is one
of the biggest mysteries of my life.
I still think about it today,
is like,
what happened to that family
when they got home from work
and their house was
a different color and nobody had
any answers?
(audience laughing)
When they started their day,
they owned a white house
with gray trim.
When they finished their day,
their house was brown, brown.
(audience laughing)
And sometimes people ask me.
They go, "But what shade of brown,
"Graham?"
I'm like, Well, I don't know.
I like to describe it
as a noticeable brown, the, kind of,
brown you're going to notice
your house is a different color
than when you started your day,
and wet.
And wet.
Don't forget that part.
(audience laughing)
Now I don't know what that couple
said to each other
when they got home.
I have no idea,
but I'm pretty sure they did not say
a word because how do you ask
your spouse if your house
was always brown?
(audience laughing)
There's no way to ask that question.
(audience laughing)
This is a fun job.
I get to do cool stuff.
Get cool stuff like this.
And this year I got to do a big--
I got to do The Tonight Show.
It's a big life goal of mine
as a comedian.
Thank you.
Yeah, yeah.
That's not why I said it.
No, it doesn't matter.
But it was really nice.
I was excited to do it,
and it was a big achievement.
It took me a long time to do it.
I almost did it once,
but I had my work visa it didn't
come through in time.
So I couldn't do it.
And then another time, the pandemic
happened, so I couldn't do it.
And then finally, one day on, like,
a Friday, Thursday, the booker
of The Tonight Show calls me
and he's, like, "Hey,
"are you going to be in New York
"on Monday?"
(phone rings)
You can get that.
It's OK.
(audience laughing)
It's OK.
(audience laughing)
I'll just have to start that joke again.
(audience laughing)
It's OK.
Anyway, comedy we've all learned
tonight depends a lot on momentum.
(audience laughing)
We're all getting a little,
nice little lesson.
If you all when you leave,
if you could tell the people
in the next show, the people waiting
in line to come in, if you could
tell them to silence their phones.
(audience laughing)
It's OK.
You're not the mayor, are you?
Am I going to be kicked out of town?
(audience laughing)
Anyway, I got to The Tonight Show,
and it was a big honor for me.
And the booker he called me
on a Friday.
He's like, "Are you going to be
"in town on Monday?"
I was like, Yes, I am.
He's like, "OK.
"Well, we were supposed
"to have Gucci Mane
"and Pooh Shiesty. They're two rappers."
I was like, OK, I'll have to google that.
But it sounds about right.
And they were like, "Well, they were
"supposed to be on,
"but Pooh Shiesty just shot two people.
"So we can't have him on."
I'm like, That makes sense.
I'm not allowed to swear, so.
(audience laughing)
That one was a little delayed.
(audience laughing)
But, yeah.
So I finally got to do
this huge momentous
life achievement
I've been working
towards my whole professional
career.
But in order for that to happen,
two people had to die.
(audience laughing)
But I try and I think to myself,
I hope that somewhere some way,
the victims' families saw my set
and, sort of, evened out in the end.
You know what I mean?
(audience laughing)
I am a little tired,
and I am sorry about that.
I took the red-eye flight here,
and I have never taken a red-eye
before.
I had a friend suggest to me,
said, "Take the red-eye."
I was like, Why?
He's like, "Take the red-eye."
I'm like, Why?
He's like, "Well,
"you get to fly at night,
"then you sleep.
"And then, boom, you wake up,
"you're there.
"You have a beautiful restorative
"rest in a tube of farts in the sky.
"And then you wake up,
"and then you're there."
(audience laughing)
So I got on the plane.
I was like, "Hello, I've been awake,
"I've been alive all day.
"I'd like to lie down now.
"Where do I lie down?"
They were like-- they looked
at my ticket and they're like,
Oh, you don't get to lie down.
You have to sit up.
You just sit up in a chair.
I'm like, "Does it go back?"
They're like, Yes, this much.
(audience laughing)
And you better have that seat
back up when we land because it is
connected to the wheels, I guess.
27-F is connected to the wheels.
So have that up or everyone dies.
(audience laughing)
So you do that, then you bust out
your neck pillow.
You're like, the trusty neck pillow
will save me.
And that's when you realize
neck pillows do not work
if you have a neck.
If your head is attached
to your body
in any way, shape, or form,
you very quickly realize that you
have just purchased a beanbag scarf.
(audience laughing)
What if you're hot?
Do you have to twist
that little thing?
(air conditioning sound)
That thing that shoots just one
needle of air just enough to give
you one dry eye.
You're just like, "Aah, uh."
You know that thing that sucks up
all the first class coughs
and then shoots it in your face?
Just--
(coughing)
(audience laughing)
Maybe you do sleep, but even then,
it's not a regular sleep.
It's a weird one
of those weird, plane, half sleeps.
Your eyes are closed,
and you're just like--
my eyes have been closed
for three hours.
Am I asleep?
(audience laughing)
Maybe I'll get a tomato juice.
And then you wake up,
and you have the flu.