Oh hey everybody. Today on the show we must ask ourselves the question of whether anyone
is perfectly capable of being a perfect boyfriend or girlfriend always. Perfectly.
So today's Ask Cristen question is coming from Kim who wants to know, 'I'm almost 22
years old and for over 7 years I have been dealing with something called "daily chronic
migraine" so about 20 days each month I have a full blown migraine and the rest of the
month just a severe headache.' Timeout to say Kim, that sounds horrific, I have had
a handful of migraines in my day and I would not wish them on a soul. 'My boyfriend of
a year just broke up with me because he "couldn't stand my headaches anymore".' Timeout. 'How
can people with chronic pain find someone who will stick by them through their partner's
pain?' I want to broaden Kim's question to talk about how disability whether that is
something like chronic pain or something more congenital like cerebral palsy relates to
dating in relationships. Before I go any further, able bodied privilege grain of salt alert,
I am sitting here saying all of this with a fully functioning body and I don't deal
with chronic pain and my mental health is like middling to....stable. So please understand
that I understand that and also that I want this to be a conversation to hear directly
from the other Kims out there because I don't deal with this. Now that we've gotten that
out of the way, let's proceed. Kim's question is important for all of us to think about
regardless of our individual abilities because while disability can present practical challenges
in relationships as Kim has experienced it should be an even bigger challenge to all
of us that disability of any variety is culturally considered a romantic dis-qualifier. And not
to get to jargon-y, it speaks to our broader, ableist culture that tends to view people
with disabilities as problems rather than people. But let's say, as in Kim's case, we've
gotten past that, we've gotten into a relationship then what happens? Well studies on chronic
pain specifically in relationships has found that there tends to be a higher level of relationship
stress and tension related to that disability. Studies looking at long-term couples where
one partner has a chronic pain issue, the other partner doesn't has really highlighted
the importance of empathy. One tip that comes up a lot in advice on dating with disabilities
is really making treatment, if your relationship is to that point, making treatment something
that you're going through together. That both parties are fully invested and fully educated
and fully understanding of the scope of whatever that disability might be because that's only
going to foster that level of empathy. It amplifies the need a lot of times for healthy
communication. Disability perhaps makes it a little more challenging if not impossible
sometimes to cop out of empathy and communication. But that also leads me to this misguided idea
of what it takes to be successful in a relationship. When it comes to my relationship, I bring
my own baggage into this relationship. There are days when my level of anxiety and specifically
social anxiety and stress are overwhelming. I am always moved at how accepting he is of
that and how patient he is with those kinds of things because he brings in a different
kind of bag. I want to be clear that I don't consider my social anxiety equivalent at all
to chronic pain and disability, it's simply an example to illustrate how our entire cultural
approach to disability is so often misguided. That's also a call for us to challenge and
dismantle this idea to of the intersection of love and disability being someone who looks
past a disability and sees you for the person you are. I think healthier model is someone
seeing the whole 360 you. Earlier in this relationship I tried and failed to hide parts
of myself that found unsavory or difficult of unmanageable, the things that I don't like
to be in the same room with. Once you get to a certain point in a relationship, it's
going to come out and you have to confront it. I'm so grateful that Professor Fiance
looked at me and saw the same things that I saw and rather than saying uh-uh, he said
okay let's work on this. Kim if you're watching the first thing I would tell you as friend
is let yourself experience this breakup. Even though that guy blamed it on your migraines,
you don't blame it on your migraines because your number one priority is taking care of
yourself. The next time a fella catches your eye and it heads toward dating, maybe pause
to think about things like communication, empathy. Is this person going to be a teammate?
Now I want to hear from you, do you have any experience with this intersection of disability
and dating? I want to hear all about it in your tips and advice in the comments below,
let's start a conversation. And as always ask me your questions to I can give you some
answers. Thanks to everybody who watched and commented on last week's Ask Cristen video
'Are you a buzzkill?' Devin Chubb said, 'It can be especially hard when you're just hanging
with the guys and someone drops some sort of unintentionally degrading or sexist remark
about women. I love a good male-bonding session and want to be able to go out for beer with
my buddies without the ingrained culture of misogyny.' Don't we all Devin Chubb, don't
we all? Miguel Claxton has excellent advice that I did not mention in that video. 'If
someone tells a racist, sexist or homophobic joke, ask them to explain it. For example
one I heard was "what's the difference between a pizza and a Jew? Pizzas don't scream in
the oven." And then I just asked them to keep explaining the joke until they were talking
about genocide. Needless to say the joke got less funny.' This is the way I buzzkill. [Farting
sound]. You know what I think about your sexism? [farting sound]. You know what I think about
your homophobia? [farting sound]. Gotta go, just made my fake fart sound [farting sound],
I'm out.