- So we can't go through life
saying, "I'm going to go through life and never get criticized
or never be around critical people."
Unless you live on a desert island, that's not possible.
What is possible is to go through life being bulletproof.
Often I'm working on a TV show or radio show
and the host will say, "Marisa, could you give something
to the audience, just a little handy hint,
a tip that will make them feel better that will help?"
I go, "Yeah."
Here's one of my favorite tips.
If you want to grow, don't let in criticism.
That sounds hard.
It really isn't.
You have to learn to go through life
being sort of bulletproof.
Because you can't go through life
finding people who don't criticize you.
That's really not possible.
And even if you did, I mean a lot of my clients
or mega movie stars, they never get criticized,
but they say, "But everyone's just a 'yes' person."
They don't like that anymore.
So we can't go through life saying, "I'm going to go through life
and never get criticized or never be around critical people."
Unless you live on a desert island,
that's not possible.
What is possible is to go through life being bulletproof,
being able to not let in destructive criticism.
Of course, constructive criticism,
when your boss says, "Look, I really like you
and I got to talk to you about the fact
you always turn up late or you take too long for lunch
or you don't spell-check your work, and you're sloppy."
That's constructive criticism,
but destructive, someone who just wants to put you down,
and bring you down.
I'm going to show you today how to not let in criticism
because we're very hurt by criticism.
We're very easily wounded.
I meet people who say you know, "I was bullied at 11,
I'm now 57.
I'm still so affected by the fact
that I was bullied, criticized, diminished."
And I always say to them the same thing,
"Look, here's a great truth.
Let this in.
Critical people don't like themselves.
Critical people have the most criticism
reserved for themselves.
And when you begin to understand
that critical people are very unhappy
and they want you to feel as bad as they feel,
actually, it doesn't hurt you."
So let's imagine this is a seesaw
where am I holding that.
And that's a seesaw.
And here's a critical person, and here's you.
Because in the critical person's mind, it's not equal.
A critical person always sees you as somehow superior,
or at least they see themselves as inferior.
Critical people feel inferior.
So there's a seesaw, there's you, there's a critic.
In the critic's mind, they are inferior,
which means you must be superior.
When this happens, there's only two things they can do.
Diminish you by going well, "You look awful in that."
"You're not as smart as me."
"No one in my family is divorced."
So they either diminish you or they embellish themselves.
"I've got more money, I'm smarter, richer, nicer," whatever.
And what they're trying to do is that.
They don't even want it to be equal.
A critical person likes that.
They like you to be diminished,
but they can only succeed in doing that
if you let them.
And your choice is not to let them.
Nobody can make you feel bad about yourself
without your consent.
And if you don't give it, they can't hurt you.
So I'm going to show you some particular tips
that I find very, very useful
in dealing with critical people because we can't escape.
You know I write books and I've had wonderful reviews,
but I've had some horrible reviews.
My talks are on YouTube, and I like that,
but there's always going to be someone
that goes, "I hate that pompous stuck up person."
And some of the people that write things about me
are really, really horrible,
but you know I can laugh about it because I don't let it.
And I can even share it with you
some of the things they say.
I don't let it in.
So the first way to deal with someone
who is incredibly critical,
let's imagine it is just the everyday stuff
where someone says, "Oh my God, you look terrible,
you've gained weight, or we should never have cut your hair."
Or just the silly little slings and arrows
that get thrown at us.
So when someone is saying something mean,
I want you to say, "Thank you for sharing that."
Now that may sound-
Say when someone says, "You're always late,
you'll never be able to do that on time,
or you're never going to do that,
and you're just not up to this,
and I know you're going to let me down."
You just go well, "Thank you for sharing that."
Thank you for sharing that is saying you have your opinion,
I don't happen to agree with you.
And when I say, "Thank you for sharing that,"
what I'm saying is that's your opinion.
So think of something that someone said to you
that was really mean.
I know when I wrote my first book,
someone said, "Well anyone could have written that."
And I'm like, "Really? Well, anyone didn't write it.
I wrote it."
But I just said, "Oh, thank you for sharing that."
Someone added that it was very mediocre.
"It said on the cover it was cutting edge and new,
but it was mediocre."
And I would just go, "Well, thanks for sharing that."
Because I'm saying, I don't agree.
But I'm not going to argue with you.
I'm going to accept that you are sharing an opinion,
which I don't have to accept.
So think of something someone said that's hurt you.
And I want you to imagine replying,
"Thank you for sharing that," and then move on.
This is just for the everyday little criticisms that we get.
"Thank you for sharing that."
Move on.
The second thing that you say when someone criticizes you,
and this is for a more deep thing.
Let's imagine you're at work, and someone says,
"Oh, you know when you gave that presentation,
it was terrible.
I was embarrassed for you."
"When I read your proposal, it was so bad,
I was embarrassed for you."
You say to them, "Could you repeat that?
I didn't get what you were saying.
Please repeat it."
When you say to someone, "Please repeat that."
Even if they say, "Oh, you should never have bought that top.
It doesn't suit you.
It's not your color.
It's too tight."
Don't go, "How could you say that?
That's really hurtful."
You just say, "I didn't get that.
Repeat it."
You're allowing the critic to retract.
And you know how often they do?
When you say, "Could you repeat that?"
They know that you are not going to let it in.
That you are asking them to repeat it so they can challenge you.
And they usually say something like, "Oh, me and my big mouth.
I'm just having a really bad day.
Just ignore what I said.
I didn't mean it."
When they do that, don't go off and go, "No,
I want you to say it.
What did you just say?
Say it again.
Tell me what you said."
Don't do that.
You've allowed them to backtrack, to take it back.
So when you say to someone, "I missed that"
or, "I didn't get it, please repeat it."
They often won't.
Now sometimes they will and they go, "Yeah, I just said
that your talk was so wooden, it's an insult to wood."
Then you get to say, "Oh, are you trying to hurt my feelings?"
And many times, they'll often go, "No.
No, of course not."
"I just wanted you to know how awful you are as a speaker
so you never speak again.
Or maybe you go and get speaker training.
I just wanted to tell you how bad you were
because I thought it might help you."
So let's imagine you have kids
and someone says to you,
"Oh, your kids are the most horrible behaved children ever."
You go, "Thanks for sharing that."
Move on.
But if they continue to go, "You need to know
and your kids are out of control,
and you are a terrible parent."
You then say, "Please repeat that, I missed it."
And they usually won't.
And if they do, you go,
"Oh, you're trying to make me feel really bad about myself."
They often go, "No, no,
I thought I would tell you how horrible your children are
so that you can be a better parent."
So let's go through this very quickly.
Your children are being difficult,
your partner's being horrible.
Someone's told you you look awful.
You can say, "Thank you for sharing that."
Move on.
Your second thing is to say, "Oh, please repeat that.
I didn't hear all of that.
I didn't get it, could you say that again?"
And if they do say it again, they often won't,
your third step is to say,
"Oh, are you trying to make me feel really bad about myself?"
And many times, they'll often go, "No, not at all.
I thought you should know
what other people are saying about you or think about you.
I thought I should tell you how awful you look
in that outfit so that you buy something different."
Sometimes we'll go on and say they go, "Well, yeah,
I wanted you to feel awful.
I want you to feel terrible.
I want you to know that you are rubbish at selling.
You're terrible at speaking.
I don't like your kids."
And when they do that, you say well,
"I'm just not going to let that in."
"I'm not going to let that in."
Remember saying, "I'm not letting in,"
gives all the power back to the person
who's trying to hurt you.
If it doesn't go in, they can't hurt you.
And the final thing to say to someone
who's very, very critical is this.
"Did you know that critical people
have the most criticism reserved for themselves?"
"Since we're sharing and you are freely sharing
your thoughts about me, my body, my wardrobe, my partner,
my children, my gifts and talents,
I should share something with you.
Critical people have the most criticism
reserved for themselves.
And when you criticize like this,
you're showing me and actually, the entire office
that you don't like yourself,
that you're an unhappy person."
Look at how you describe yourself.
Really take a minute to think
about how you criticize yourself,
how you beat yourself up.
To err is human and to forgive is divine.
You're allowed to err,
but you are not allowed to beat yourself up.
So today, I want you to really become
a phenomenal therapist to yourself.
A great therapist would make you accountable
for how much you criticize yourself.
A great therapist would say you know,
I've noticed that when you come in and go, "How are you?"
"Ugh, awful, I've had a horrible weekend.
I just messed everything up because I'm useless."
And they go, "No, I don't think that's a great way
to describe yourself."
A great therapist would make you accountable
for the language you are using to describe yourself.
A great therapist would stop you
and block you and prevent you
from going into this sabotaging yourself,
beating yourself up, comparing yourself.
I want you to be a great therapist
and I promise you these two simple things
will change your life.
Don't let in destructive criticism
and stop criticizing yourself.
Instead of going to friends, "Oh my God,
I'm so sorry I'm late."
Say, "Thank you for waiting for me.
Thank you so much for waiting."
Don't keep apologizing.
"Oh, I made this dinner and you know, it's not very good,
and I didn't have enough herbs, and I burnt the chicken."
Don't do that.
Just say, "I'm so glad you're here
and this isn't the best dinner I've ever made,
but it's all about the company."
So don't allow yourself to go into that daily habit
of looking in the mirror and going, "Ugh, I look awful."
No, you don't.
Look in the mirror and go, "I look great."
"I'm a lovely person.
My love even shines through my eyes."
You don't have to have a perfect body
or a perfect haircut or a perfect outfit.
Remember, as a child, you loved everything about yourself.
Babies never look in the mirror and go,
"Oh my God, look at these fat legs."
"Look at these milk spots."
"Look at this bad hair day."
"Oh my God."
When I used to push my little girl down the street
and I saw people come and go, "Oh my God,
that baby's gorgeous."
They'd look in the pram and they'd tickle her little legs
and she never looked away and went,
"Oh, I've got really fat dribble knees.
And I've just dribbled.
My nose is running, don't look at me."
She'd kick her little legs and smile
because babies have no concept they're not lovable.
They don't even know how to criticize themselves
until someone teaches them.