If
this was World War 1, and this was the Vietnam War, then Battlefield 4 vs. 'Press X to Dog'...
is the 'War on Women'.
Actually, that's not true.
This war is far less fictitious and twice as sweepingly goddamn manipulative.
Alright, suspiciously feminine Super Street Fighter II Turbo Announcer Guy...
Let's DO THIS.
"Round 1!
FIGHT!"
It's never the rosiest of portents when the player is prompted
to download an update on day one... but a belugal, man-tittied seabeast like this?!
106 fucking megabytes?!
For perspective, Battlefield 4's day one update tips the scales at a thunderous 6 entire megabytes,
so what in neon pink fuck are you smuggling in this goddamn thing?
The Elephantman's corpse?
Nuclear launch codes?
The Game Overthinker's bib?
Look, if your game requires an additional 106 megabytes of data to achieve the state
of pixellated, janky-ass quasi-completion we were all treated to with Call of Duty:
Ghosts, here's a card for the suggestion box: Fucking wait!
No, seriously, Activision, what would actually happen if - god forbid - you *gasp* missed
the holiday launch window?!
It's fucking Call of Duty, guys!
These games sell like fuckin' groceries!
If Grand Theft Auto 5 could be the 12th highest-selling game in history with a September launch...
are you seriously telling me if your ship doesn't set sail until January, it's a coral
reef by February?!
Every line of code in Call of Duty Ghosts positively shrieks that it was rushed to market.
From the jerky animations to the samey locales to the graphics that could easily be confused
for an original Xbox title...
this game is a profane, venal expression of corporate pressure to launch within a given
time window, and not one element of play hasn't suffered for it profoundly.
Compounding the pervasive developmental lethargy is the fact that the post-apocalyptic byways
of Hollywood, California, circa 2027... look an awful lot like the Afghanistan of the present.
We're already well aware that Infinity Ward has reused textures, meshes, and even animations
from previous games, but what will immediately raise a brow are its burn victim good-looks.
"Look away, I'm hideous!"
How reality-smashingly ugly is it, you inquire?
The raspberry jam smeared on your screen when the player takes damage is more pixellated
than a topless slapfight on Jerry Springer, does that answer your question?!
You know your story has the believability of an IGN Editorial when the most endearing
character is a fuckin' quadriped.
And with canine controls like these, he'd better have a glowing personality!
Sure, you've got nano-cybo-apocrypho-kinetic bullshit spot-welded to your brain-stem, electrodes
lodged in your nuts and a remote control jammed up your ass... but that doesn't mean you should
have the maneuverative prowess of a cast-iron bathtub, Fido!
And frankly, the dog presents what is perhaps the most the single most flagrantly fucking
missed opportunity in this entire game.
In the hands of a competent developer with a release schedule in excess of 15 ever-lovin'
minutes?
Just imagine the gameplay applications of an ability which allows the player to switch
to a less visible, yet equally lethal, canine companion on-the-fly?
The possibilities for divergent playstyles are frickin' endless!
Even the most trite, A-to-B, slide-rule linear generic bad guy factory...
no matter how slathered in sepia... would instantly be transformed into a tactically
oriented ninja's playground with gameplay variables to numerous to conceive!
No one playthrough would be anything like the one that preceded it!
In the hands of Infinity Ward?
"Compulsory Fido set-piece commence.
Bark to arouse suspicion of wiley brown folk.
Monge on said brown peoples' carotid.
Fin."
Couple this with notoriously unbalanced multiplayer and a single-player campaign you can feasibly
complete between heartbeats, and this year's Call of Duty offering isn't quite the heavyweight
contender it's been in years past.
Which brings us to 2011's reigning champion of the Rageaholic Face-Off...
Let's put the obvious front and center: On the visual front, Battlefield 4 motherfucking
decimates Call of Duty: Ghosts, particularly Activision's last-gen hatchet-jobs, which
frankly feel like they were completed in a single afternoon.
But Battlefield 4 needs all the gaudy visuals it can salvage from J.J.
Abrams' cutting room floor as a way of keeping your eyes occupied... because your ears will
be busy erupting into fountainous spigots of blood after being subjected to this dated-ass,
dubstep-drenched audial goatfuck they call a soundtrack!
And gunplay in Ghosts ain't even in the same fuckin' weight class as BattleField 4.
With the exception of the odd, wonky hitbox, the mere act of firing your gun is eminently
sharper, more fluid and responsive.
Punctuated further by the game's far more believable enemy animations.
Comparing the lifelike, spry adversaries of Banalfield to the jerky, pre-fabbed, third
grade claymation school assignment that is enemy movement in Call of Duty: Ghosts is
enough to make you weep for the state of the entire modern video game industry.
It's just a shame the enemies' seamless movement... is fastened to a skull that's emptier than
the Xbox One's game library.
At what point did the emerging science of A.I.
programming go from being built around high-minded concepts like simulated hearing and movement
recognition, branching and randomized patrol patterns, and individualized approaches to
combat situations...
to being easily summed up by the words 'Oh shit.
Good guys be here.
Time to crouch behind cover and throw grenades literally forever!'
I've seen 12-year-olds write programming loops in QBasic with greater diversity and depth!
That said, while the companion A.I. is far from Harvard-bound, the rudimentary squad
mechanics and storyline convey a borderline sincere appreciation for the personal, human
dynamic of an elite military squad.
Yet even at its best possible moment, Banalfield 4's squad mechanics still feel like a 15th-rate
rip-off of Rainbow Six: Vegas.
And I think we're all beginning to weary of the same old firearms in the same old bunkers,
fired by the same old coterie of one-note ethnic stereotypes...
but I don't actually blame Dice or Infinity Ward for this.
Rageaholics, it's half-past time to address a very grim eventuality: In the same way that
World War II - after being commercially exploited in every conceivable configuration imaginable
- began to stifle creativity and suffocate market variety...
I believe we've gone about as far as the 'modern day/near future' premise is going to take
us.
And in the same way that Battlefield 3 and Call of Duty 4's success illustrated that
those series' formula was no less potent without the visual trappings of the 1940s...
I believe its time to find another time period for mediocre game developers to woefully mischaracterize.
Brand me as a heretic if you must, but what about something like 'Battlefield: The Third
Crusade'?
In-depth swordfighting, mounted combat, archery, ballistas, catapults.
Instead of milking overwrought formulae in the form of 'King of the Hill'... use the
power of next-gen technology and give two sides their own medieval fortresses with the
singular objective of defending your own while invading the other!
Imagine scaling the crenellated ramparts of a Jerusalem stronghold circa 1190, shoulder
to shoulder with half your PS4 friend list, swashbuckling your way through unending throngs
of online enemies.
And to those who are already taking to their keyboards in knee-jerk protest, priming their
stubby digits to regale us all with example after example of why games that primarily
feature first-person combat with medieval weaponry will never sell...
my good friend 'Skyrim' would like a word with you.
With over 11 million in sales figures backing his play.
Look, I'm not saying you should bet the farm on rebranding the entire series into 'Call
of Privy' - but a spin-off, using the Frostbite 3 engine, backed with EA's copious advertising
budget?
It could be the exact variety of leeching the medieval horse doctor ordered.
As for the face-off, this isn't even a contest.
Battlefield 4 massacres Call of Duty: Ghosts and savages the fucking remains afterward.
Seasons change, Activision!
You can't win every at-bat with the fastball.
Time to call for the fuckin' slider.
I'm RazörFist.
God - fuckin' - SPEED!