LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO THE LATE SHOW.
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. I JUST WANT TO START OFF TONI
TONIGHT. TO ALL MY JEWISH VIEWERS,
HAPPY PASSOVER! IT COMMEMORATES THE CAPTIVE
ISRAELITES ESCAPING THE OPPRESSION OF THE PHARAOH
AFTER GOD SENT 10 PLAGUES. IF YOU ARE NOT JEWISH, YOU MAY
KNOW IT AS GOING TO THE GROCERY STORE AND SUDDENLY
SEEING A DISPLAY OF HUGE, FLAVORLESS SALTINES.
JUST WANTED YOU TO KNOW THERE'S MORE TO THE STORY.
YESTERDAY, NEW YORK CITY CELEBRATED THE PASSING OF
ITS OWN PLAGUE, THE FORMER PRESIDENT.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] OH, YOU HEARD?
HE STOPPED BY THE CITY TO GET ARRESTED FOR 34 FELONY COUNTS
OF BUSINESS FRAUD. AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M NOT SURE IF THAT'S FAIR. BUSINESS FRAUD IS KIND
OF HIS BRAND. AND AFTER HIS ARRAIGNMENT,
HE HAULED HIS ASS TO LAGUARDIA, GOT ON HIS PRIVATE JET, FLEW TO
MARA-LAGO, WHERE HE HELD AN ANGRY RALLY FOR ALL
HIS CULT MEMBERS. THAT EVENT BEGAN WITH A WEIRD
PROCESSION DOWN THE CENTER AISLE.
HERE COMES DON JR. AND KIMBERLY GUILFOYLE,
THERE'S TIFFANY, FOLLOWED BY MATT GAETZ AND THEN
A WAVING MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE. THEY LOOK LIKE THE PROM COURT
IF THE THEME WAS "ENCHANTMENT UNDER ARREST."
THEN. UNDER INDICTMENT?
UNDER ARREST. NEXT CAME PILLOW MAN
MIKE LINDELL WHO SEEMS TO HAVE LOST HIS DATE.
"WHERE'S MY PILLOW? MARCO!
MARCO! PILLOW!"
THEN IT WAS TIME FOR THE FORMER PRESIDENT TO TAKE THE STAGE
AND INSPIRE A NATION WITH A SIX-MINUTE LIST OF UNRESOLVED
GRIEVANCES. WELL, COME ON,
WHAT DO YOU EXPECT? YOU'RE LISTENING TO
A 76-YEAR-OLD MAN IN FLORIDA. "WELL, NICE OF YOU TO SHOW UP.
I WONDERED IF YOU FORGOT I WAS ALIVE.
MAYBE YOU'D NOTICE ME IF I WAS YOUR CELL PHONE.
ANYWAY, IT'S COLD IN HERE, THE COOKIES ARE STALE,
AND I NEVER LOVED YOU AS MUCH AS YOUR BROTHER."
SOME OF HIS GRIEVANCES GOT PERSONAL.
>> THIS IS WHERE WE ARE RIGHT NOW.
I HAVE A TRUMP-HATING JUDGE WITH A TRUMP-HATING WIFE.
>> Stephen: WELL, THERE'S ONE THING YOU AND THE JUDGE
HAVE IN COMMON. THANK YOU.
THEN, ONE BY ONE, HE ADDRESSED ALL THE CRIMES HE SO FAMOUSLY
HASN'T COMMITTED, STARTING WITH THE ONE IN GEORGIA.
>> IN THE WINGS, THEY HAVE GOT A LOCAL, RACIST DEMOCRAT DISTRICT
ATTORNEY IN ATLANTA WHO IS DOING EVERYTHING IN HER POWER TO
INDICT ME OVER AN ABSOLUTELY PERFECT PHONE CALL, EVEN MORE
PERFECT THAN THE ONE I MADE WITH THE PRESENT OF UKRAIN.
REMEMBER I KEPT SAYING, THAT'S A PERFECT CALL.
THIS ONE WAS MORE PERFECT. >> Stephen: I'M NOT SURE THAT'S
SUPPOSED TO BE A LAUGH LINE. "SIR, HOW DO YOU PLEAD?"
"NOT GUILTY." HA, HA, HA, HA, HA.
THEN, HE MOVED ON TO THE CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS CASE.
>> IF YOU HAVE A RADICAL LEFT LUNATIC WHO IS A BOMB THROWER
WHO WAS ARRESTING HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE DAY AFTER DAY
OVER THE BOXES HOAX. YOU KNOW, THE BOXES HOAX,
AS WE CALL IT. >> Stephen: YOU'RE AT
MAR-A-LAGO, EVERYONE KNOWS ABOUT THE BOXES!
I'M PRETTY SURE, DURING THE SPEECH,
THEY USED THEM AS CENTERPIECES. SO HERE'S --
IT'S ALL JUST YESTERDAY? IT ALL JUST HAPPENED YESTERDAY?
SO HE WAS ARRESTED AND RELEASED, AND WE NEVER GOT A MUG SHOT.
BUT THAT DIDN'T STOP THE EX-PRESIDENT'S CAMPAIGN FROM
MAKING ONE UP AND SELLING IT ON A T-SHIRT THAT SAYS
"NOT GUILTY." OKAY, BUT IF HE'S NOT GUILTY,
WHY DID YOU PUT HIM IN A MUGSHOT?
JUST SELL A POSTER THAT SAYS "WANTED!
FOR FOLLOWING TOO MANY LAWS." >> THE EX-PRESIDENT ISN'T CASH
GRABBING ALONE. HE'S GOT HELP FROM
SOUTH CAROLINA SENATOR AND GROWN-UP CAMPBELL SOUP KID,
LINDSEY GRAHAM. LINDSEY WENT ON THE FOX NEWS
TO MAKE A DIGNIFIED PITCH TO MAGA VOTERS.
>> I'M SORRY I'M SO UPSET BUT PLEASE HELP PRESIDENT TRUMP.
IF YOU CAN AFFORD FIVE OR TEN BUCKS, IF YOU CAN'T AFFORD A
DOLLAR, FINE, JUST PRAY. PRAY FOR THIS COUNTRY,
PRAY FOR THIS PRESIDENT. AND IF YOU'VE GOT ANY MONEY
TO GIVE, GIVE IT. LindseyGraham.com.
IT DOESN'T GO TO ME IT GOES TO HELPING THIS PRESIDENT AND
TAKING BACK THE SENATE. >> Stephen: IT DOESN'T GO TO
ME, HE GOES TO THE BILLIONAIRE WITH T THE GOLDEN TOILET AND
PRIVATE PLANE. 'COURSE, IF YA WANNA KICK OL'
LINDSEY A DIME OR TWO, LORD KNOWS I COULD USE IT.
I GAVE MY LAST DOLLAR TO THE PRESIDENT AND NOW I CAN'T AFFORD
MY FOOD OR MEDICINE. HAD TO SWAP OUT MY PRESCRIPTIONS
FOR SOME PILLS I STOLE FROM A VET'S OFFICE, AND NOW I
HAVE FELINE LEUKEMIA! AMEN!"
GOTTA DRIVE IT. GET ON THE TRAIN.
DRIVE THE TRAIN. GRAHAM ISN'T THE ONLY SAD LONELY
BOY TRYING TO GET DADDY TO LOVE HIM.
SO IS THE EX-PRESIDENT'S LEAST SON ERIC, SEEN HERE
WONDERING WHERE SANTA GOES IN THE SUMMERTIME.
ERIC MUST HAVE HEARD THAT THE MAGA CROWDS IN NEW YORK
WERE PRETTY THIN. BECAUSE WHILE HIS DAD
WAS IN COURT, ERIC TWEETED THIS AI-GENERATED IMAGE OF THE
EX-PRESIDENT BEING FOLLOWED BY A MASSIVE CROWD THROUGH
THE NEW YORK CITY STREETS. WOW, IT LOOKS LIKE ROCKY,
IF YOU WERE ROOTING FOR THE SIDE OF BEEF.
NOW, YOU CAN TELL RIGHT AWAY THAT THIS IS A.I.
FIRST, BECAUSE THERE'S NO WAY HE WOULD WALK.
BUT MOSTLY BECAUSE THE SUPPORTERS' FACES
ARE TOTAL MIXUP MUSH. CHECK OUT THE TWO
SECRET SERVICE GUYS, DRIED APRICOT AND CAPTAIN EGG.
THEN THERE'S THE FISHER PRICE BUSINESS LOG,
AND OF COURSE KELLYANNE CONWAY.
SHE LOOKS REALLY GOOD. THERE'S HUGE NEWS FROM NASA.
THEY'VE NAMED THE CREW FOR FIRST HUMAN MOON
MISSION SINCE APOLLO! THERE THEY ARE!
PUT THAT PHOTO BACK UP. NOT THE ORANGE JUMPSUIT
I WAS HOPING TO SEE THIS WEEK, BUT STILL PRETTY EXCITING.
THIS IS AN HISTORIC CREW, CONSISTING OF THREE AMERICANS
AND ONE CANADIAN. ALSO KNOWN AS THREE ASTRONAUTS
AND AN "ASTRONOOT." AND THEY, ALL FOUR, ARE ALL
GOING TO BE MY GUESTS TONIGHT,
RIGHT OVER THERE! IT'S LIKE THE BEATLES FROM
SPACE. I'VE BEEN LOOKING FORWARD TO
THIS EVER SINCE I SAW THE COOL PROMOTIONAL TRAILER.
♪ ♪ >> I'M CHRISTINA KOCH,
I'M THE MISSION SPECIALIST. >> I'M JEREMY HANSEN.
I'M A MISSION SPECIALIST. >> I'M VICTOR GLOVER.
I'M THE PILOT. >> I'M REID WISEMEN.
I'M THE COMMANDER OF THE ARTEMIS II MISSION
TO THE MOON. >> TO THE MOON.
>> TO THE MOON. >> TO THE MOON.
♪ ♪ [RUMBLING]
>> Stephen: YEAAHHH! KILL THE MOON!
WHOOO! USA!
USA! USA!
USA! AND ONE CANADIAN!
BUT THAT'S OKAY! WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW
FOR YOU TONIGHT. MY GUESTS ARE THE ASTRONAUTS
OF THE ARTEMIS II MISSION AND THE STAR OF "PRIMA FACIE"
ON BROADWAY, JODIE COMER. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK,
IT'S "THE LATE SHOW'S" ANIMATED EASTER SPECIAL!