THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE.
WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
FOLKS--
YOU KNOW, THE MORE WE LEARN ABOUT THE INSURRECTION ON
JANUARY 6, THE MORE IT BECOMES CLEAR THAT WE HAVE TWO POLITICAL
PARTIES IN THIS COUNTRY.
YOU HAVE THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY, AND THE ANTI-DEMOCRATIC PARTY,
BECAUSE ONLY ONE OF THESE PARTIES CARES WHETHER YOU GET
TO VOTE IN AN ELECTION.
TAKE THE CASE OF FORMER CHIEF OF STAFF AND CLINICALLY
DEPRESSED POTATO, MARK MEADOWS.
MEADOWS AT FIRST AGREED TO COOPERATE WITH THE JANUARY 6
CONGRESSIONAL INVESTIGATION, THEN QUICKLY UNAGREED.
SO LAST NIGHT, THE HOUSE VOTED TO HOLD MEADOWS IN CRIMINAL
CONTEMPT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
YES, HELL, YES!
CRIMINAL CONTEMPT.
AND THE REST OF US CAN JUST KEEP HOLDING HIM IN REGULAR CONTEMPT.
( LAUGHTER )
FOR IT: KINZINGER AND CHENEY.
EVERY OTHER REPUBLICAN, EVERY OTHER ONE, DOESN'T WANT YOU TO
KNOW WHAT HAPPENED ON JANUARY 6 ( AUDIENCE BOOING )
TAKE OHIO CONGRESSMAN AND MIME WHO WON'T SHUT UP, JIM JORDAN.
JORDAN WANTED TO LET HIS BUDDY MEADOWS OFF THE HOOK.
>> MARK MEADOWS IS OUR FORMER COLLEAGUE.
HE IS A GOOD MAN.
AND HE'S MY FRIEND.
AND THIS IS-- THIS IS AS WRONG AS IT GETS.
>> Stephen: NO, "AS WRONG AS IT GETS" IS IGNORING SEXUAL
ABUSE IN THE SHOWERS AT OHIO STATE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
NEVER FORGET.
IT'S NOT JUST JORDAN.
THE REPUBLICAN CAUCUS IS AN ACCESSORY TO THIS COUP, AND WE
RECENTLY GOT MORE EVIDENCE OF THAT IN THE FORM OF TEXT
MESSAGES TO MARK MEADOWS, LIKE THIS ONE HE RECEIVED ON JANUARY
7 FROM A REPUBLICAN LAWMAKER: "YESTERDAY WAS A TERRIBLE
DAY..."
WELL, I MEAN, AT LEAST WE CAN ALL AGREE ON THAT.
"WE TRIED EVERYTHING WE COULD IN OUR OBJECTION TO THE SIX STATES.
I'M SORRY NOTHING WORKED."
OH!
SO HE REGRETS NOT BEING ABLE TO DROWN LADY LIBERTY IN A BATHTUB.
IT'S LIKE SENDING A SYMPATHY CARD THAT SAYS, "MY DEEPEST
CONDOLENCES...
THAT YOU LIVED.
I WAS ROOTING FOR THE TUMOR!" NOW-- YES, IT'S NOT A GOOD CARD
TO HAVE SENT.
THE COMMITTEE RELEASED A DISTURBING TEXT FROM ANOTHER
REPUBLICAN LAWMAKER, SENT TO MEADOWS THE DAY AFTER THE
ELECTION: "HERE'S AN AGGRESSIVE STRATEGY:
WHY CAN'T THE STATES OF GEORGIA, NORTH CAROLINA, PENNSYLVANIA,
AND OTHER REPUBLICAN-CONTROLLED STATE HOUSES DECLARE THIS IS
B.S.-- WHERE CONFLICTS AND ELECTION NOT CALLED THAT NIGHT--
AND JUST SEND THEIR OWN ELECTORS TO VOTE AND HAVE IT GO TO THE
SCOTUS?" "AN AGGRESSIVE STRATEGY," IS AN
UNDERSTATEMENT.
THAT'S LIKE AN ARSONIST SAYING, "YOUR HONOR, I DON'T
THINK OF IT AS BURNING THE HOUSE DOWN.
I THINK OF IT AS AN AGGRESSIVE MARIE KONDO-ING: "THE HOUSE
DID NOT SPARK JOY, SO I SPARKED A BOX OF OILY RAGS."
( LAUGHTER )
WELL, THE IDENTITY OF THESE LAWMAKERS WAS NOT BEING
DISCLOSED.
SO PEOPLE ON TWITTER ARE NOW GUESSING NAMES LIKE
PAUL GOSAR, JIM JORDAN, DEVIN NUNES, MATT GAETZ, TED CRUZ, AND
JOSH HAWLEY.
AND YOU CAN PLAY THE HOME VERSION IN THE FUN NEW GAME
"CLUE-LESS."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THESE MESSAGES-- GOT A LITTLE-- GOT A LITTLE-- THERE YOU GO.
THESE MESSAGES HAVE THE RING OF UNFILTERED TRUTH BECAUSE THEY'RE
TAKEN FROM MARK MEADOWS' TWO PERSONAL PHONES.
AND NOTHING SAYS "INNOCENT" LIKE A SECOND CELL PHONE.
( LAUGHTER )
WHAT'S THAT, HONEY?
YOU FOUND MY SECOND PHONE IN THE CLOSET?
OH, THAT'S JUST MY BACKUP.
'I LOVE YOU' PHONE IN CASE I CAN'T FIND THE FIRST ONE TO TELL
YOU HOW MUCH I WAS NOT SLEEPING WITH THE BABYSITTER LAST NIGHT.
HELLO!
I LOVE MY WIFE... WHO'S RIGHT HERE IN THE ROOM WITH ME RIGHT
NOW.
GOOD-BYE, WRONG NUMBER!" THIS WHOLE ATTEMPTED COUP WAS
BASED ON THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S ENDLESS LIES ABOUT NON-EXISTENT
MASSIVE VOTER FRAUD.
AND NOW THE ASSOCIATED PRESS HAS SHOWN JUST HOW BIG A LIAR IT IS.
THEY CONDUCTED A REVIEW OF EVERY POTENTIAL CASE OF VOTER FRAUD IN
THE SIX BATTLEGROUND STATES HE DISPUTED AND FOUND FEWER THAN
475, A NUMBER THAT WOULD HAVE MADE NO DIFFERENCE IN THE 2020
PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION.
WOW, THAT'S GOING TO MAKE RUDY GIULIANI YELLING ABOUT FRAUD
NEXT TO A DILDO SHOP SEEM RIDICULOUS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THAT'S-- THAT'S-- THAT'S SAD.
IT'S SAD.
>> Jon: SAD, SAD, SAD.
>> Stephen: CRAZY.
IT'S CRAZY!
>> Jon: IT'S CRAZY!
>> Stephen: THE FEW CASES THAT THE A.P. DID FIND COULD NOT
THROW THE OUTCOME INTO QUESTION EVEN IF ALL THE POTENTIALLY
FRAUDULENT VOTES WERE FOR BIDEN-- WHICH THEY WERE NOT--
AND EVEN IF THOSE BALLOTS WERE ACTUALLY COUNTED-- WHICH, IN
MOST CASES, THEY WERE NOT.
OKAY, BUT ARE WE REALLY SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE A BUNCH OF REPORTERS
ON SOMETHING AS IMPORTANT AS AN ELECTION?
NONE OF THEM HAVE EVER INVENTED A PILLOW!
( LAUGHTER )
WAS NO FRAUD AT ALL.
IN FACT, THREE REPUBLICAN RESIDENTS OF THE VILLAGES
RETIREMENT COMMUNITY IN FLORIDA WERE ARRESTED FOR CASTING
MULTIPLE VOTES IN 2020.
( APPLAUSE )
I GOTCHA!
LET'S SEE THE ELECTION FRAUDSTERS THE G.O.P. HAS
BEEN HUNTING FOR: MY GOD-- IT'S THE CRIMINAL
MASTERMINDS KNOWN AS "THE MAH JONGG MAFIA!"
( LAUGHTER )
"THE VILLAGES," IT'S THE LARGEST RETIREMENT COMMUNITY IN THE
WORLD.
IMAGINE IF CENTRAL FLORIDA MADE LOVE TO A GOLF CART ON A
PICKLEBALL COURT AND HAD 100,000 VERY OLD BABIES.
( LAUGHTER )
GOING RIGHT FROM BOCCE BREAKFAST TO THE EARLY JAILBIRD SPECIAL,
BECAUSE THEY VOTED IN FLORIDA WHILE ALSO CASTING BALLOTS
IN THEIR ORIGINAL HOME STATES, WHICH IS A THIRD-DEGREE FELONY
PUNISHABLE BY UP TO FIVE YEARS IN PRISON.
YEAH.
( APPLAUSE )
THEY'LL HAVE TO LIVE A LIFE OF INSTITUTIONAL MEALS AND LIGHTS
OUT AT 8:00 SHARP...
SO, PRETTY MUCH THE SAME.
( LAUGHTER )
COVID NEWS, THERE IS STILL, UNFORTUNATELY, NO VACCINE FOR
"STUPID."
AND WE SAW THAT FIRSTHAND YESTERDAY IN QUEENS, WHEN,
REPORTEDLY, A GROUP OF ANTIVAXXERS STAGED A "SIT-IN" AT
A CHEESECAKE FACTORY.
IRONIC, BECAUSE THE HEALTHIEST THING YOU CAN GET AT A
CHEESECAKE FACTORY IS COVID.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
AFTER THE-- OH, WHAT DO THEY HAVE?
THE... CHEESEBURGER SPRING ROLLS.
AFTER THE MASKLESS CRUSADERS SHOWED UP TO THE RESTAURANT,
THEY REFUSED TO CHECK IN AT THE HOST STAND, SKIPPED WAITING
CUSTOMERS, AND SAT THEMSELVES ACROSS MULTIPLE TABLES.
EVENTUALLY, THE POLICE WERE CALLED, AND AFTER REFUSING TO
LEAVE, FOUR PEOPLE ENDED UP BEING ARRESTED.
YEAH!
( APPLAUSE )
THROW THE BOOK AT THEM!
OR THE MENU FOR THE CHEESECAKE FACTORY!
IT'S THICKER.
BUT THERE IS SOME GOOD NEWS IN THE WORLD OF COVID...
OR AT LEAST SOME ADORABLE NEWS.
BECAUSE RESEARCHERS ARE TRAINING DOGS TO SNIFF OUT COVID FROM OLD
SOCKS.
IT'S A SMART IDEA.
MUCH BETTER THAN TRAINING CATS CAN DETECT IF YOU HAVE
COVID, BUT THEY WON'T TELL YOU, BECAUSE THEY WANT YOU DEAD.