♪♪
-Hey, everybody, and welcome back.
This is "Corrections" for the week of June 7th,
and you will notice we changed the title card once again.
Please let us know what you think about it.
Although, as we've established,
you do not need an invitation.
I want to start -- I said -- I referred to a peacock
as a she.
A peacock is the male.
A peahen is a female.
And now, colloquially, I was correct.
But of course, the "Corrections" jackals
have a different set of standards.
[ Laughter ]
So, I'm glad we cleaned that up.
Last week, this happened actually in "Corrections,"
and I think one of the most frustrating things --
not that this is frustrating, because, again,
it brings me great joy.
[ Laughter ]
A lot of times, I have to correct something
that I said last week in "Corrections."
So, I talked about how back in the old days,
you would, with your calculator,
type 5-8-0-0-8
and then flip it upside down
and it spelled "boobs."
And then I said it was great
because then if the teacher came over and said,
"What are you doing?"
you would say, "Oh, we're just doing the 80,000s."
People pointed out to me, you would want to say to her,
you're doing the 58,000s.
Because you can't --
If you give it away pre-flip,
the gig is up.
[ Laughter ]
I was also reminded -- and I had remembered this.
People said, "Hey, did you forget
that if you do 5,318,008
and flip it upside down, it's 'boobies'"?
And they said, "Why didn't you do that?"
And I'm like, I'm not going to infantilize
the human body that way.
[ Laughter ]
I was doing my excellent,
unimpeachably good
Werner Herzog impression,
and I had him say, "Cock a doodle doo"
the way I thought he would say it.
An eagle-eyed and helpful German viewer
said, in Germany,
it's not cock a doodle doo.
In Germany, roosters say "kikeriki."
Which, I just think that's great to know.
If you're ever on vacation in Frankfurt or Bremen,
you know, the sun comes up and you hear "Kikeriki!"
Now you won't lose your mind. You'll know.
And if it's in Bremen and you hear a rooster,
it might be one of the musicians of Bremen.
Of course it won't, though,
because they never make it to Bremen.
Nice try.
Know ya Grimms'.
Some people have asked why we bleep curse words
in "Corrections," since it's only online.
And that's a very good question. I don't know the answer to that.
I'll be honest, I didn't even know that was the case.
I'm not going back and watching this.
[ Laughter ]
You know what I mean? Like, this is...
For it -- For me, the minute this is over, it's...
But, you know, we'll see, maybe I'll -- I'm gonna try,
see if I can sneak some curses in and we'll see...
and see what gets beeped, you know?
See what the standards are.
Mentioned -- I got it right tonight,
but I got it wrong yesterday --
West Virginia senator Shelley Moore Capito.
I said "Ca-pee-to" yesterday.
I want to apologize.
And then Baze -- Alex Baze, our head writer.
Sometimes he is aware that he is writing for someone who flubs,
gets some pronunciations wrong.
And he gave me a very helpful way
to remember the right way to do it,
which is she belongs to the party
that inspired the riot at the Capito.
[ Laughter ]
We've talked a lot about the fact
that Donald Trump had a blog and he called the horse
that won the Kentucky Derby a junkie.
And we mentioned
that one of the things that made it extra funny
is he spelled junkie wrong -- he did J-U-N-K-Y,
when everybody spells it with an I-E.
Well, I got a correction that pointed out correctly
that William S. Burroughs wrote a book --
and I even went and got the book.
He wrote the book "Junky" and he spelled it with a "Y."
And I don't think
Donald Trump reads a lot of fiction,
but I bet when he does,
it's William S. Burroughs.
[As Trump] William S. Burr-- we love him.
Billy Burroughs.
One of the great...
The "S", for me --
"spectacular."
"Naked Lunch."
What a book.
Not what I thought it was gonna be.
When I picked it, I thought it was gonna be
about one of those Las Vegas brunch places
where the waitresses don't wear tops.
But it was so, so much better than that.
Billy Burroughs!
[Norma voice] Oh, I, um...
This one really hurts
because it's about Marjorie Taylor Greene,
and more often than not, you know,
she and I are on the same page.
[ Laughter ]
We showed a clip of her
saying in defense of Confederate statues, that --
basically, she was saying at some town meeting
that if there was a Hitler statue or a Satan statue,
she wouldn't want them torn down,
because she would want to use them
to teach her kids about Hitler and Satan,
because, um...
I guess there are no books in her town.
And I said, you know, there are no --
there are no statues of Hitler or Satan.
And then people said there was, in Detroit --
there was a statue
of a goat-headed demon
named Baphomet.
And again, this one you obviously want to...
I hope I'm getting that one right.
Because I would assume that, you know,
a goat-headed demon might be a stickler
about the pronunciation.
Or he's laid-back, in which case,
all of you are worse than Baphomet.
[ Laughter ]
Baphomet -- goat-headed demon,
and you knew he was there,
you knew he had arrived via pentagram.
I don't know how things like this show up.
You would know Baphomet had arrived
when you heard, "Maaahhh!"
But you would know he'd arrived
in Germany if he said,
"Riketiki tock tock tock tock tock-tock tock!"
[ Laughter ]
We're talking a lot about cicadas, and...
a press plane that was following the president,
President Biden, couldn't even take off
because a bunch of cicadas caused mechanical failure.
I've been talking about this musical "Cicada, Cicada"
that we're doing, and a lot of people said,
"Oh, my God, you have to put that in 'Cicada, Cicada.'"
"Cicada, Cicada" is done.
This isn't just, like, an idea.
We've written the musical "Cicada, Cicada."
It is about a cicada who emerges from the soil
after 17 years, played by Christine Baranski,
who loves musicals and as soon as she emerges,
immediately goes to New York, where she meets
a cigarette-smoking cockroach,
played by Harvey Fierstein,
who loves the Mets,
and he has to break it to her that Broadway is not open yet.
And she said, "That's fine, I'll wait as long as it takes,"
and he doesn't have the heart to tell her
that she's only going to live another two weeks.
Like, that's how cicadas work.
And so then he --
a bug who has never cared for another insect --
gets Nathan Lane, played by Nathan Lane,
to gather his Broadway friends and do one show for his friend
before she passes away.
And then, after she dies, the last scene,
he goes to a Mets game by himself
and for the first time in his life, he cries.
Not because his friend is dead,
but because the Mets blow a four-run lead in the ninth.
[ Laughter ]
And the final song is a torch song
called "Where Have You Gone, John Franco?"
[ Laughter ]
And when you mention Christine Baranski
and John Franco in the same bit,
that is a calculus that I like to define as
"one for me, one for the crew."
[ Laughter ]
In that song, "Where Have You Gone, John Franco" --
'Cause critics have seen it.
We're doing -- We've already done an out-of-town run.
And a lot of the critics complain that
there's this whole play about the friendship
between these two bugs and then the whole ending
is about, like, complaining about the Mets.
And there's a lyric that I'm very proud of that
that I feel like if anybody --
if, like, Lin-Manuel Miranda rhymed
"Jesse Orosco" with "arm from Costco"...
[ Laughter ]
Like, where do I send the Tony? But, like, they were like...
And I'll just say to all these out-of-town critics --
If you know so much about Broadway,
why do you live in New Haven?
That is not the best song.
"Where Have You Gone, John Franco" is not the best song.
The best...
There's the cockroach... [ Chuckling ]
The cockroach has a song
where he complains about the smoking ban,
called
"My Titanic Hit a Bloomberg."
[ Laughter ]
And then the title song,
"Cicada, Cicada" -- everybody's very surprised
because it's actually not about bugs at all.
It is sung
by Cuban-American Jon Secada,
and it's about how people sometimes say his name wrong.
[ Laughter ]
You might -- I mean, because again,
this is the same group of people every week at our show.
Like, there's no new people come here.
You might hear a new laugh. This is very exciting for me.
One of my oldest friends, Pete Grosz, is here.
He came tonight, and it's so...
Pete is an award-winning writer.
He's one of our greatest living improvisers.
But you may know him...
If you saw him, you may know him because for years, he...
was the Hamburglar.
[ Laughter ]
"Robble robble," my friend.
This is a correction for somebody who wrote something.
This was now months ago
and I almost -- I almost wanted to let it go,
but I kind of can't get it out of my head,
so I did want to mention it, which is...
Someone who I don't think cares for me.
And a lot of these corrections, I can tell
that behind it is...
affection.
This was a person who was referencing the fact
that I am tan.
And in their comment, they had one word misspelled,
and it's why I can't get it out of my head.
They put an "A" in a word
where there's not supposed to be an "A."
So, I'm gonna tell you what they wrote,
and see if you can pick out the misspelling
where there was "A" where there shouldn't be an "A."
What they wrote was, "Hey, bro, what's with the tan?
You have the" --
It hasn't happened yet.
The word hasn't happened yet.
"Hey, bro, what's with the tan?
You have the same taint as Donald Trump."
[ Laughter ]
I think he meant "tint."
[ Laughter ]
I mean, don't beat yourself up, but it massively changes.
I don't even feel like I should explain what a taint is.
It's like the part -- It's like here.
It's like...
It, like...
It -- It taint the chin, but it, like, taint the neck.
It's like...
It's like there.
The last thing I want to do is fight with you guys
about which my impressions are good.
Okay, like, it's not...
Because I'm not mad at you
about the fact that you don't
have an ear for what people sound like.
But I have come to the conclusion
that I do not have a good Christoph Waltz.
And I only did it in the first place
because some of you said my Werner Herzog
sounded like Christoph Waltz, and again,
you were wrong, 'cause it's unimpeachably good.
And I feel really bad because I love Christoph Waltz.
And I was thinking about like when he -- and I know for,
like, foreign audiences, they may have seen him before.
But when he showed up in "Inglourious Basterds,"
first time most Americans saw him,
it was like the most memorable arrival
of a thespian in film in the last fif--
The only thing
that I would say rivals it
is when I
appear in 2008's "Journey to the Center of the Earth."
[ Laughter ]
Which was a film I was in,
a 3D film with Brendan Fraser
and Josh Hutcherson.
And this is a true story.
I did not have a big part in this film,
as evidenced by the fact that both of my scenes
took place on the surface of the Earth.
[ Laughter ]
I was in the first -- one of the first scenes.
And I'm just going to paraphrase my scene,
but I was a scientist who said something along the lines
to Brendan Frazier of,
"You're never going to the center of the Earth!"
And then I had a scene at the very end of the movie, where --
and again, I'm paraphrasing.
This wasn't the exact line,
but something along the lines of,
"Wha?!"
But this is a true story.
They made trading cards.
for "Journey to the Center of the Earth 3D,"
and I was on one of the trading cards.
This was a 3D action film.
I was in an office both scenes.
My trading card is just me mid-talking.
It's like this.
But it's 3D, so it's a little bit closer.
It's like here.
And one time I left SNL
and someone asked me to sign this card
that I had personally never seen.
So I autographed it. And that was the end of it.
And then I found out that they had put it on eBay.
And the only reason I found out about it is...
Shoemaker bought it.
[ Laughter ]
And I know that because one time,
you know, I go to his office and I'm knocking on his door
and I can hear him in there.
I'm just, like, knocking, knocking -- nothing.
Finally, because I -- we work togeth--
there's some times where I need to talk to him about something.
So, knocking, hear him.
Finally, I open the door and he goes, "Ohhhh!
Somebody's gotta learn to knock!"
And I said, "I've been knocking."
He's like, "Ohhh, maybe I had my headphones in."
Here they are!
I was like, "What?"
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughing ] Like, we're...
And there are some times where you're just like,
eh, just forget it, just let it go.
It was like, you know, it just always...
And then I look and I see --
and again, I only signed one of them.
I see this autographed card of mine.
And I go, "Where did you get that?"
He goes, "Whoa, is this an interrogation?!"
I'm like, "Why is everything like this?"
I'm genuinely curious why you would have,
like, an autographed trading card
for one of the few movies I was ever in.
And he's just like... [ Grumbling ]
[ Laughter ]
And he goes "Maybe, uh..."
"Maybe I'm proud of you."
[ Laughter ]
And again, like...
I've known him for like 20 years and I've never --
I've never expected anything like that from him.
He's just so relentlessly mean.
Pete, on the other hand --
you know, we're coming up on 30 years, Buddy.
We have...
burgled a lot of hams.
You, the kind of friend that I would expect that from.
But not Shoemaker.
And he goes, "Maybe I'm proud of you."
And I go, "What? Really? Why?"
He goes,"You know, it might not have been the best movie,
but you were in it.
On the big screen.
In 3D."
"So it was worth every penny I paid for it
to have it on my wall."
And I was like, "Wow."
And then I said, "What did you have to pay for it?"
He goes, "They paid me money to take it!"
[ Laughter ]
He goes, "Now maybe you wanna put in some headphones!"
[ Laughter ]
I think, uh...
I think that's about everything.
Oh!
Uh, [bleep] piss [bleep] fart.
[ Laughter ]
See what got through.
See you next week.