If you're a person who likes being alive
and does not want to die soon,
first of all, congratulations on being basic,
and second, here's some good news for you.
Some good news this morning. Americans' life expectancy
has increased for the first time in four years.
That's according to a new report
from the Centers for Disease Control.
It shows life expectancy rose slightly in 2018
to 78.7 years.
Wow! This is major!
For the first time in four years,
American life expectancy is on the rise!
Big shout-out to Betty White for bumping up the average.
We see you, girl. We see you, girl!
(cheering, applause)
But... but, you know what, it's weird that life expectancy
is even a thing.
Like, it feels like we're giving human beings expiration dates
like we're milk.
I mean, some people are milk, but not most of us, you know?
Here's the... here's the problem, though.
Life expectancy studies are deceptive,
because they make you think everybody's getting
an extra month, which is not true.
'Cause on average, yes, life expectancy is higher.
But if you're in the swamps wrangling alligators,
you're still lucky if you hit 40.
-(laughter) -That's all I'm saying.
Honestly, if you ask me, I think scientists should lie
about our life expectancy.
'Cause when you tell the truth, that we're supposed to reach 78,
now we take life for granted.
We don't appreciate it. Yeah?
Then if we don't reach 78, it feels like we failed.
People would be like, "My granddad died."
"How old was he?" "73."
-"Aw, what a bitch." -(laughter)
Moving on to immigration news.
President Trump has been rushing to build 450 miles of his big,
(like Trump): beautiful border wall...
before the November election comes.
But maybe instead of getting it done fast,
he should concentrate on getting it done right.
President Trump said the Mexican border wall
would be impossible to penetrate.
Well, now wind is being blamed for knocking part of it over.
Panels from the border wall fell over in Mexicali
during heavy winds.
The panels fell onto trees on the Mexico side of the border.
A border patrol agent says
the section had recently been set in concrete.
It's not clear if Mexico will pay for the clear-up.
(laughter)
That is really insane. Parts of the border wall
are being knocked down by wind?
This is what happens
when you build something without Mexicans, Donald!
(laughter)
And Trump shouldn't tolerate this.
He needs to go down to the border
and teach these walls how to handle the wind.
Because if there's one thing Trump knows,
it's how to dodge a draft.
-(laughter, groans) -I mean, seriously...
it can't be that hard to keep a wall upright, you know?
If they need to harden the concrete,
they can just use that gel that Don Jr. puts in his hair.
-(laughter) -Something. Come on.
And I know they said
this is only because that specific part of the wall
wasn't finished being built yet, but that's still on Trump.
He would have known that this could happen,
but he never finished reading "The Three Little Pigs." Yeah.
(like Trump): It's one of the longest novels
"ever written, folks.
So long."
-(applause) -And finally...
-(whooping) -And finally, in headlines,
Minnesota.
It's a state most famous for boring things,
like casseroles and Amy Klobuchar.
But now they're trying to shake off that boring reputation,
and they're breaking bad.
Nearly a million dollars in counterfeit dollar bills--
the bust in Minnesota tonight.
Federal authorities along the Canadian border
revealing they seized 45 cartons
packed with nearly a million dollars in counterfeit bills,
all of them singles.
Authorities tonight say they came from China.
-(audience gasps) -Wow.
Cops in Minnesota discovered a million dollars' worth
of fake one dollar bills.
And the cops could tell they were fake,
because the counterfeiters used the wrong Washington.
(laughter)
(like Denzel Washington): Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! My man!
Here's my question, though. Honest question.
Why are you counterfeiting one dollar bills?
It's such a small number.
Like, with a million ones,
all you have is a million dollars.
But if you counterfeited a million hundred dollar bills,
you have, like, like-- I'm not a scientist,
-but you have more money. -(laughter)
Way more money.
How do you even use that many ones?
What are you gonna do with them?
What, are you gonna clean out every vending machine?
Gonna be the king of the dollar store?
I mean, I guess, yeah, you could go to strip clubs.
Yeah, but if you get busted,
you're gonna have a lot of explaining to do.
Yeah, the strippers and the bouncers are gonna have you,
you're gonna be like, "I'm so sorry, I...
"I just thought your boobs are fake, so my money can be fake.
Okay, okay, I'll wash the dishes, I'll wash the dishes."