Legendary quarterback Tom Brady
said that he is retiring for good.
[laughter and applause]
He should have a sandwich, though, because he's
retiring for good again.
This dude retires more than Cher.
I'm like-- but, of course, he's still breaking records.
Not only is he the oldest quarterback in the NFL,
now he's going to be the youngest retiree in Florida.
I can't wait to see Tom Brady riding around on a golf
cart in the Villages.
It's going to be hilarious.
And here's some very good news for fans of casual sex.
Colleges around the country are starting
to install vending machines that sell the Plan B
emergency contraception pill.
[applause]
I mean, I don't think you should rely on a vending
machine for your Plan B. I mean, by the time
you find those couple of quarters,
the baby is going to be born.
[laughs] Dad.
Dad, why do you call me Doritos?
Because that's what dropped out instead of the pill.
[laughter]
Now go find your brother, Cool Ranch, and get the car.
And then some other news.
Of course, the Memorial service for Tyre Nichols
was held today.
There were a lot of things that were
interesting about the funeral, but there was something
that was slightly different.
MALE REPORTER: An emotional farewell
in Memphis, Tennessee.
That's where hundreds of people gathered this afternoon
for the funeral service for Tyre
Nichols, who was remembered as a loving brother, son,
and father.
FEMALE REPORTER: And this was also
a call for justice with Vice President Harris
and the Reverend Al Sharpton pledging
to get policing reform passed.
That is right.
It is the very first time in history
that a president or vice president that have
attended the funeral of a Black person
that was slain by the police.
So not even Obama.
He didn't go either.
So he sang a lot of--
Amazing Grace a lot of times, but not by people
that were killed--
Black people that were killed by the police.
But Kamala went, and I'm very proud.
I'm happy she showed up in Black mode not in cop
mode because--
I mean, she was a district attorney.
And that could have been a sting operation.
You know, they tell you you got a free TV,
but you're just behind in child support,
so you go to jail for-- never mind.
I'm--
[laughter]
I would have liked to see Mike Pence go to a Black funeral.
That would have been funny as hell.
Jahim, is it?
I'm sorry about your loss.
Where's my wallet?
Oh, those are classified documents.
I'm sorry. That's not that.
[laughter and applause]
But, seriously, there is a good reason to have
a Black vice president.
If you're not going to do anything about police reform,
at least you can have somebody that goes to those funerals.
But here is a crime story that is captivating the nation.
Somebody is [bleep] with animals.
Now to some good news overnight about two monkeys
that went missing from the Dallas Zoo.
They have been found, but police
are still looking for the person
who apparently took them.
MALE REPORTER: This morning, mystery at the Dallas Zoo.
Two missing emperor tamarin monkeys
found in the closet of an abandoned home
the latest in a string of suspicious incidents.
Dallas police telling ABC News they received a tip directing
them to the monkey's location.
Authorities say they're also trying to determine
if several incidents at the zoo last month,
including an escaped leopard and a suspicious death
of an endangered vulture, are connected in any way.
And it's that unknown keeping zoo officials cautious.
Those monkeys look like Civil War reenactors, don't they?
I mean--
[laughter]
Who snitched on the monkeys?
I don't understand that.
They look like Civil War reenactors.
Dear Clarabell, the war drags on.
[laughter]
My fondest wishes until the day we meet again.
But they actually found the monkeys
because somebody next door heard a suspicious noise
and called the cops.
So even monkeys got Karens.
It's crazy.
And they found these monkeys very fast.
They found them faster than they find most people.
So if I ever go missing, don't tell them I'm me.
Tell them I'm a panda.
I'm not-- here is my question.
How is the zoo going to accuse anyone
else of stealing a monkey?
Where the hell did you get the monkey from?
[laughter and applause]
For more on this kidnapping, we turn to Michael Kosta, who is
at the Dallas Zoo right now.
Hey, Mike.
[applause]
Michael, why the hell are you dressed like that?
Well, because I'm a professional, DL.
I wanted to see who's been stealing the animals,
so I went undercover as a monkey
and I infiltrated the zoo.
I spent $20,000 on this disguise.
You wasted your money.
That disguise is shitty.
I can't believe the zookeepers, they haven't noticed you.
Well, I don't know if you've been paying attention
to this story, but the zookeepers here aren't exactly
the best and the brightest.
They asked me if I was a monkey and I said yes,
and that was good enough for them.
[laughter]
All right, so how is the undercover operation going?
Not great.
I've been here a week, but I haven't seen any kidnappers.
Even worse, one of the monkeys has
been trying to mate with me.
I've been going along with it to keep my cover,
but now it's getting pretty serious.
I mean, she wants me to groom her back.
And that's a big commitment in the monkey kingdom.
Now I'm flattered, but I want to keep my options open.
There's a lot of hot monkeys in here.
Hey, Michael, why don't you get the hell out of here?
Just tell the zoo guards who you
are, and they're going to-- and that you want to leave.
I can't, DL.
I'm a professional journalist.
And I won't rest until I figure out who the kidnapper is.
Plus, I want to stay for lunch.
We're getting grapes today. So--
[monkey screeching]
What?
OK.
Sorry, DL, I got to go.
Lucy's getting jealous.
So-- he's just a friend.
I'm allowed to have friends.
[monkey screeching]
Baby, come on.
Don't be like that.
I mean, this is-- what are you going to--
All right, best of luck in your new relationship,
Michael Kosta.
Michael Kosta, everybody.