I think
that you're
definitely scared of being vulnerable,
and I think that plays into a lot
of how you feel every day
with- especially anxiety
and just constantly worrying.
I think it's
I'm not trying to tell you
that you're afraid
or make you feel
that you're wrong,
but I definitely think that
you
do have fears
and you do not want to admit them
because you are afraid of
being vulnerable.
And I think in the last year or two
that you've grown a lot from that.
And I think that you being so loud
about what you've been through
and hearing about that
other women have been through the same things
and other men
have been through the same things,
that it's made it a lot easier on you
to be less scared of being vulnerable.
When have you seen me
the most vulnerable,
and what have you learned from it?
I don't know how I'm gonna answer this.
When have I seen you the most vulnerable?
Oh my goodness, um...
When either
of us is crying.
So a lot. - Yeah.
You know.
Maybe when I gave you
that card on your birthday
that has a picture of your dad on it
and you, like, ran away.
You literally ran away.
The first time
we were at a big social gathering.
It's- I always remember
that, it was my friend's movie premiere.
You've been through a lot last few years
and there's been yeah,
there's been some crying moments.
You were explaining to me
your treatment options,
and I didn't understand,
you know, lupus and
different types of cancer.
it wasn't a concern of mine.
I think
family stuff makes you vulnerable.
The first time I saw you cry,
I remember being really scared.
No, I just.
Different memory. I have a different answer:
when you broke your pelvis bone
because you got bucked off of Chief
and you were in the hospital
with all of those
like cords
attached to you, and your face was white
and you had like
but on the way there, the frozen bag of peas.
And like I was just in the back
trying to make sure
that you didn't
pass out, like from the pain or
shock or whatever,
like seeing you
that physically vulnerable.
I did. I didn't know what to do.
It was really scary.
You did good.
I think when your dad
had the stroke at the baseball field
and
yeah, ________ was there with me,
and you had to be told what was going on.
I had never seen you that upset.
I mean, but you stayed strong.
You know? You were actually, you know,
trying to make me feel better
about myself, too,
about what was going on.
You did that because I was scared. - Yeah.
And I think that was the first time
I actually saw
your true, true feelings about your dad.
I remember
there was a lot of people there.
There was like
some pretty famous people there.
And I didn't know anyone.
You didn't know anyone except me.
And you looked so beautiful
and I remember
you had that the middle part, like,
sort of.
Yeah. Before you came back. - Whatever, that smokey eye.
Yeah. Before I came back.
You're always on top of these things and,
and up
until that point I had just seen
you is just like, you know,
manifestation of confidence.
Like,
I just felt like you were just
carried yourself
with such ease and strength everywhere.
And I just was kind of like butterflying
around
and talking to a lot of people
I didn't see.
And I just saw you kind of standing,
sort of hiding in a corner,
just like looking at me, like
with this deer in headlights like: help.
And I realized
at that moment that you really
didn't feel comfortable
with that level of
socializing.
And I immediately went to you
and I was like, Are you okay?
And you're kind of
just looking at me like like,
yeah, I'm okay.
As long as you're here.
I remember that so clearly. - Yeah.
And it was just so sweet.
Like,
I'll never, ever,
like, I'll be completely senile
and not remembering
my name
and I'll remember the look on your face
I saw across the room at that party.
That's such a moment of you getting me
instead of being like,
What's the big deal?
Like, I was just talking to you.
You didn't make it about you.
You understood so much about me
based on my one expression
and my body language in this,
our first time together
in a really crowded event. - Yes.
And I felt very
seen and understood
and all the things that I always want.
A little while after
we were with each other
and you-
I asked you.
So do you have like a time limit?
Like you have
a few months or years to live
or something like that?
And you said
if you don't
do something is a possibility,
you won't be able to
make it to like 40
or something like that.
And I was like,
Hey, this can't be, you know,
you're not going to do nothing like that.
And you're like, Well,
it can get that bad.
You left and went and got in the shower
and I left through the back door
and
of course,
unbeknownst to you, I
while leaving, I said,
if I have the opportunity,
I want to marry her.
I want to make her my wife.
I want to be there no matter what.
But it was something that
I knew you were going through
that I wouldn't
be able to fully understand.
I don't care who explained it to me.
And
it made me love you
more because you
you shared it like it wasn't
because it was an illness
or anything like that, but it was a
a reality that you had to deal with
as a woman, you know?
And it wasn't
it wasn't easily understood by me.
I'm constantly,
you know, kind of affected
by how impressed maybe is the right word
with how you are able to be vulnerable.
You know, I've had friendships
with women in the past, you know,
and I've told you this, that,
you know, this is kind of unique.
I'm not sure I've ever been like this
close with a friend, you know.
And yeah, I'm
I'm always
a lot of it has been
because of your ability
to just be super honest
and very vulnerable
and the fact that you actually,
you know,
call me when you are crying
and when you are really
going through stuff
and the fact that you like,
trust me
with that, you know, like very emotional,
you know, like it's
a big deal to be like, hey, this is,
you know,
this is me at my rawest moment
when I'm really, you know,
losing control and I'm crying and, like,
I trust you with that,
you know what I mean?
Like, that's a really big deal.
And that's when I'm like, oh,
wow, this is, you know,
this is a special bond.
And it makes me kind of
really look inside and be like,
yeah, like how,
you know, oh, my God,
how can I be present in this moment?
How can I be?
How can I be equally as honest and like,
how can I bear that responsibility of,
you know, this friend,
like being this vulnerable with me?
Like, how do I be, you know,
how do I be like a strong, you know,
you know
and you know.
And those things go both ways.
When there's
extended family arguments, you're like,
you're the person that's responsible
for, like, everyone else's business
in the family.
You're like the beacon.
So like,
I think you get super vulnerable
when like
you are in charge of big life decisions.
So like,
you know,
when your brother died,
you were in charge of everything. - Yeah.
And when your mom dies,
you'll be in charge of everything.
I don't think you like being in charge
like that. I think it's a lot of pressure
and I don't think you have enough people
in your life
that are like,
let me take this pressure off
because they know that you're going to do
the best job better than the rest of us could.
Right.
But I think you
I don't know, you feel
like unappreciated, under appreciated
when those things are happening.
And I feel like you feel vulnerable.
I feel like I'm the most vulnerable
when it comes to health issues.
True. I did- - Big time.
I did picture
when you got your knee surgery,
how you were just like- - Yeah.
Well, even- not even my own health issues.
But everybody else's like-
Well, because you barely have health issues.
Like your health issue, right?
And ________'s, I mean you weren't here
because you were in London at the time,
but I mean, that was just- - Wild.
That was just crazy.
And I'm
so glad that I made sure that you stayed
and, you know, kept
going with your semester abroad
because that was
you didn't need to be a
it was just, you know, it was hard.
It was hard.
So, yeah,
I feel like I'm the most vulnerable
when it comes to health issues.
Sometimes I don't
really hold it together as well.
I mean, if you don't want to,
I don't mind. But
you're my person, so you can
do whatever you want.
When you're actively miscarrying.
That was horrible.
I was scared to lose you
because you're bleeding
and I just
just the hope that you that
I saw that just.
Physically and, like,
literally drained from you
because we were just so happy,
you know, it was.
The winter after we lost _________ and...
You know, it's just we had so much hope
and I was so excited
to be a Tita.
And
just having to clean you up.
I didn't want to lose you.
You wouldn't.
You- come on.
I know, but that was
that was really intense.
I don't think I've really had to, like,
think about that, you know, and
that it's selfish for me to think about
what I learned from it when...
I can't imagine what you went through.
You know,
that probably- other than losing ___________
that 100% was my most vulnerable moment.
And you hit it on the head.
And can I tell you what did it for me was
the fact that ________ decided,
okay, now that your family is here,
I got to go to this job
that I hate so much.
I'm like, Oh, cool, great.
Bye?
And yes,
am I lucky that you and ____________
and then Mom and Dad were there? Yeah.
And then this is what killed me,
was watching Dad's face.
Like,
I don't know if he was scared for me.
Sad
or he knew that I was sad about it.
Probably all.
But his face was just, you know,
broken
and that's how I felt.
So, yeah, that was super vulnerable.
And that's okay
because everything happens for a reason
and I'm alive.
You are. - So it's good.