[Music] thank you hi welcome to a special episode of after skool I'm Dr Ana Lembke
professor of Psychiatry and addiction medicine at Stanford University School of Medicine and
I'm really excited for you to watch this animation on radical honesty let's Dive In
every major religion and code of ethics has included honesty as essential to its
moral teachings all my patients who have achieved long-term recovery have relied on truth-telling as
critical for sustained mental and physical health I too have become convinced that radical honesty
is not just helpful for limiting compulsive over consumption but also at the core of a
life well lived the question is how does telling the truth improve our lives let's first establish
that telling the truth is painful we are Wired from the earliest ages to lie and we all do it
whether or not we care to admit it children begin lying as early as Age Two the smarter
the kid the more likely they are to lie and the better they are at it lying tends to decrease
between ages 3 and 14 possibly because children become more aware of how lying harms other people
on the other hand adults are capable of more sophisticated anti-social lies than children
as the ability to plan and remember becomes more advanced the average adult tells between 0.59 and
1.56 lies daily liar liar pants on fire we've all got a little smoke coming off our shorts
humans are not the only animals with the capacity for deception the animal kingdom is Rife with
examples of deception as a weapon and a shield the Loma chusa pubicolas Beetle for example is
able to penetrate ant colonies by pretending to be one of them something it accomplishes by
emitting a chemical substance that makes it smell like an ant once inside the beetle feeds on ant
eggs and larvae but no other animal Rivals the human capacity for lying evolutionary biologists
speculate that the development of human language explains our tendency and Superior ability to lie
The Story Goes Like This the evolution of homo sapiens culminated in the formation of large
social groups large social groups were possible because of the development of sophisticated forms
of communication allowing for advanced Mutual cooperation words used to cooperate can also be
used to deceive and misdirect the more advanced the language the more sophisticated the lies
lies arguably have some adaptive Advantage when it comes to competing for scarce resources but lying
in a world of Plenty risks isolation craving and pathological over-consumption let me explain in
today's world of overwhelming abundance it is easy to slip into behaviors that feel good in the short
term but are ultimately destructive in the long term we engage in lying and create a false Persona
or a mask to cover up our behaviors which leads to shame and isolation and fuels ongoing consumption
we cannot get out of this cycle of destructive shame that fuels addiction until we stop lying
and start being who we really are radical honesty telling the truth about things large and small is
essential not just to recovery from addiction but for all of us trying to live a more Balanced Life
in our reward saturated ecosystem it works on many levels first radical honesty promotes awareness of
our actions second it Fosters intimate human connections third it leads to a truthful
autobiography which holds us accountable not just to our present but also to our future selves
further telling the truth is contagious and might even prevent the development of future addiction
awareness lying can become so routine that we are unaware that we are even doing it I
call this the lying habit to restore a truthful Narrative of Our Lives we must become aware of The
Lies We Tell ourselves and others recounting our experiences gives us Mastery over them
whether in the context of psychotherapy talking to an AAA sponsor confessing to a
priest confiding in a friend or writing in a journal our honest disclosure brings our
Behavior into relief allowing us in some cases to see it for the first time this is especially
true for behaviors that involve a level of automaticity outside of conscious awareness
when I was compulsively reading romance novels I was only partially aware of doing so that is
to say I was aware of the behavior at the same time I was not aware of it
this is a well-recognized phenomenon in addiction a kind of half-conscious state akin to a waking
dream often referred to as denial denial is likely mediated by a disconnect between the
reward pathway part of our brain and the higher cortical brain regions that allow us to narrate
the events of Our Lives appreciate consequences and plan for the future many forms of addiction
treatment involve strengthening and renewing connections between these parts of the brain
honesty promotes intimate human connections telling the truth draws people in especially when
we're willing to expose our own vulnerabilities this is counter-intuitive because we assume that
unmasking the less desirable aspects of ourselves will drive people away it logically makes sense
that people would distance themselves when they learn about our character flaws and transgressions
in fact the opposite happens people come closer they see in our Brokenness their own vulnerability
in humanity they are reassured that they are not alone in their doubts fears and weaknesses
intimacy is its own source of dopamine oxytocin a hormone much involved with falling in love
Mother child bonding and lifetime pair bonding of sexual mates binds to receptors on the dopamine
secreting neurons in the brain's reward pathway and enhances the firing of the reward circuit
tract in other words oxytocin leads to an increase in brain dopamine while truth-telling promotes
human attachment compulsive over consumption of high dopamine Goods is the antithesis of
human attachment consuming leads to isolation and indifference as the drug comes to replace
the reward obtained from being in relationship with others experiments show that a free rat will
instinctively work to free another rat trapped inside a plastic bottle but once that free rat
has been allowed to self-administer heroin it is no longer interested in helping out the
cage dread presumably too caught up in an opioid Haze to care about a fellow member of its species
any behavior that leads to an increase in dopamine has the potential to be exploited
what I'm referring to is a kind of disclosure porn that has become prevalent in modern culture where
revealing intimate aspects of Our Lives becomes a way to manipulate others for a certain type of
selfish gratification rather than to Foster intimacy through a moment of shared Humanity
there is a well-known phenomenon in AAA called drunkologs referring to Tales of intoxicated
exploits that are shared to entertain and show off rather than teach and learn
drunkologs tend to trigger craving rather than promote recovery the line between
honest self-disclosure and a manipulative drunk log is a fine one including subtle
differences in content tone Cadence and affect but you know it when you see it
truthful autobiographies create accountability single simple truths about our day-to-day lives
are like links in a chain that translate into truthful autobiographical narratives
autobiographical narratives are an essential measure of lived time the stories we narrate
about our lives not only serve as a measure of our past but can also shape future Behavior
in the more than 20 years as a psychiatrist listening to tens of thousands of patient
stories I have become convinced that the way we tell our personal stories is a marker and
predictor of Mental Health patients who tell stories in which they are frequently the victim
seldom-bearing responsibility for bad outcomes are often unwell and remain unwell they are too busy
blaming others to get down to the business of their own recovery by contrast when my patients
start telling stories that accurately portray their responsibility I know they're getting better
the victim narrative reflects a wider societal Trend in which we're all prone to see ourselves
as the victims of circumstance and deserving of compensation or reward for our suffering
even when people have been victimized if the narrative never moves Beyond victimhood it's
difficult for healing to occur one of the jobs of good Psychotherapy is to help people tell healing
stories if autobiographical narrative is a river Psychotherapy is the means by which that river is
mapped and in some cases rerouted healing stories adhere closely to real life events seeking and
finding the truth or the closest approximation possible with the data at hand affords us the
opportunity for real insight and understanding which in turn allows us to make informed choices
as I have alluded to before the modern practice of psychotherapy sometimes falls short of that
lofty goal we as mental health care providers have become so caught up in the practice of
empathy that we've lost sight of the fact that empathy without accountability is a short-sighted
attempt to relieve suffering if the therapist and patient recreate a story in which the patient is a
Perpetual victim of forces beyond their control chances are good that the patient will continue
to be victimized but if the therapist can help the patient take responsibility if not for the event
itself and for how they react to it in the here and now that patient is empowered to move forward
with their life I have been deeply impressed with AA philosophy and teachings on this point one of
the preeminent AA mottos often printed in bold type on its brochure is quote I am responsible
in addition to responsibility Alcoholics Anonymous emphasizes rigorous honesty as a central precept
of its philosophy and these ideas go together the fourth of aaa's 12 steps requires members to take
a searching and fearless moral inventory in which the individual considers his or her Character
defects and how they have contributed to a problem step is the confession step this is where AAA
members admit to God to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrong this
straightforward practical and systematic approach can have a powerful and transformative impact
a truthful autobiographical narrative further allows us to be more authentic spontaneous and
free in the moment the psychoanalyst Donald winicot introduced the concept of the Fall
self in the 1960s according to winicot the fall self is a self-constructed Persona
in defense against intolerable external demands and stressors winicot postulated
that the creation of the false self can lead to feelings of profound emptiness no there there
social media has contributed to the problem of the false self by making it far easier for us and
even encouraging us to curate narratives of Our Lives that are far from reality
in his online life my patient Tony a young man in his 20s ran every morning to take in the
sunrise spent the day engaged in constructive and ambitious Artistic Endeavors and was the
recipient of numerous Awards in his real life he could barely get out of bed compulsively looked
at pornography online struggled to find gainful employment and was isolated depressed and suicidal
little of his real day-to-day life was evident on his Facebook page
when our lived experience diverges from our projected image we are prone to feel
detached and unreal as fake as the false images we've created psychiatrists call this feeling
derealization and depersonalization it's a terrifying feeling which commonly contributes
to thoughts of suicide after all if we don't feel real ending Our Lives feels inconsequential the
antidote to the false self is the authentic self radical honesty is a way to get there it tethers
us to our existence and makes us feel real in the world it also lessens the cognitive load required
to maintain all those lies freeing up mental energy to live more spontaneously in the moment
when we're no longer working to present a false self we're more open to ourselves than others
as the psychiatrist Mark Epstein wrote in his book going on being about his own journey toward
authenticity no longer endeavoring to manage my environment I began to feel invigorated
to find a balance to permit a feeling of connection with the spontaneity of the
natural world and with my own inner nature truth-telling is contagious and so is lying
Lao Tzu wrote If you don't trust people you make them untrustworthy trust is something
that takes time and effort to build and can be destroyed in an instant Friedrich Nietzsche
wrote I'm not upset that you lied to me I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you
telling the truth is a two-way street by being open and honest with others we Inspire them to
be open and honest with us if you don't trust yourself you will live in fear that others will
betray you so honesty starts with not lying to yourself and this honesty has a contagious effect
conclusion my patients have taught me that Honesty enhances awareness creates more
satisfying relationships holds us accountable to a more authentic narrative and strengthens
our ability to delay gratification it may even prevent the future development of addiction
for me honesty is a daily struggle there's always a part of me that wants to embellish
the story just the slightest bit to make myself look better or to make an excuse for bad behavior
now I try hard to fight that urge although difficult in practice this handy little tool
telling the truth is amazingly within our reach anyone can wake up on any given day and decide
today I won't lie about anything and in doing so not just change their individual lives for
the better but maybe even change the world thanks for watching this episode of after skool if you
want to learn more you might try my book dopamine Nation finding balance in the age of indulgence
[Music]