- Oh, why hello there, fellow citizen.
Welcome to The Secret Rules of Instagram.
I'm Dan Media, CEO of Social Media.
If you're watching this video,
it's because you're either new to Instagram
or you have broken one of the unspoken rules
and are now re-familiarizing yourself with Instagram.
Either way, there's no judgment here, bucko. (laughs)
Side note: If you're over 50 and have under 25 followers,
this is the end of the video.
Thank you for watching.
We know we can't help you, so you might as well
just click off right now.
Thanks, Bubble Dan.
You're welcome, Big Dan.
(dramatic music) (bubble pops)
Anyway, let's get started. (Bubble Dan laughing)
(Dan snorting)
Ah-zhoob-zhoob-zhoob-zhoob-zhoob-zhoob!
Before you start posting,
you're gonna wanna set up a profile and add a picture,
and to help me with that, we've brought along
someone that you might recognize.
It's Smosh's very own Courtney Millar.
(dramatic music)
- Thanks, Ian.
- It's Dan, Dan Media,
the CEO of Social Media.
- Okay, well, anyway.
Your profile picture tells a lot about you,
so we're gonna take a deep dive in what each kind
of profile picture really means.
First up: Filtered pictures.
You're probably already really cute,
and now I'm just wondering what you're hiding.
What are you hiding from me?
Anime girl.
This means you could be either 14 or 40.
The one thing we are sure of is that you're a perv.
The headshot.
Too thirsty, and the older you are,
the more desperate you seem.
A picture of you as a kid.
This is, honestly, unsettling,
especially if you're sending me horny DMs. (retches)
A beautiful landscape.
You love forcing your children to go on hikes, don't you?
A picture of your dog.
Oh my god, that is such a cute picture, oh my god!
Look at that little guy, look at that little guy!
I mean, that's like the best one! (sobs)
Good on ya!
- That's a great tip!
I don't wanna send them to private school
'cause our kids are frickin' idiots.
Thanks a lot, Courtney.
And now you have a profile that is set up.
Now you can post.
But how often should you be posting,
you may ask me, Dan, CEO of Social Media, Dan Media.
Well, to answer that question,
we brought teen queen of Instagram Bobbie Greenwalt here.
Take it away, Bobbie.
(dramatic music)
- Ew, whatever, Dan.
All right, so some of you seem to think
that just because Instagram doesn't have a cap
on how many posts you can upload a day
that you can do as many as you want.
That's not true, but you can follow this simple rule:
Only post once per day.
Unless you're on vacation and you don't
have access to WiFi every day.
Then you can post like six pictures in a row.
Unless one of them is album.
Every photo in an album is the equivalent of 1/3 of a post.
Unless you've already posted one of them to your story.
Oh my god, videos are a whole other animal.
And of course, there are a different set of rules
if you're going live, if it's your birthday,
or if you're like, hey,
trying to let your ex-boyfriend Aiden know
that you're living your best life without him.
Then 12 photos in a row is completely normal, Aiden.
- Thanks for the tip, Bobbie, and good luck with Aiden.
- I told you, I'm over him.
God, just pay attention, Dad.
I mean, Dan.
You're not my dad.
- I love that.
Now you know how much you should be posting,
but you still may be wondering, what should you post?
Great question, and for a great answer
I'm gonna turn it over to someone
that spends a lot of time on Instagram: A drunk wine mom.
- Instagram is such a great place to get creative.
You can post almost anything you want.
You can post inspirational artwork,
you can post a nice photo of a sunset,
or you playing with your kids, it's great.
But don't post anything, don't post anything
too personal or negative.
Here's a video I took down last week, illustrating why.
I just found out Steve's sleeping
with our kid's kindergarten teacher,
so I'm gonna spray all his underwear
with bear mace so that he burns his stupid wiener.
(can hissing)
What the (beep) are you thinking? (giggles)
Did he burn his wiener, yeah, you betcha.
Did I get suspended for three days, yeah, you betcha.
That's it for me.
Mommy's gotta get more wine. (giggles)
It's two o'clock somewhere.
- I believe the phrase is five o'clock,
and it is currently 8:00 a.m. in the morning.
But thank you, Drunk Wine Mom.
You're getting so smart from watching this.
(gong bongs) Oh, wow.
Look who it is, Ivan.
- Namaste, Dan.
Sorry to interrupt your flow like this,
but I wanted to share some wisdom about captions.
- Well, that's quite all right.
This sounds rather important.
- It is.
Your captions should be as unique as you are,
which is why I caption my photos with things like
motivational Monday,
eat good, feel good,
paradise found,
motivational Monday,
inhale the future, exhale the past,
motivational Monday,
and of course, motivational Monday.
- Wow, those sound like some truly unique captions.
- Namaste, Dan.
Also, incidentally,
I sell my Motivational Monday water bottles on my--
- Thank you, Ivan.
Zhoo!
You're now familiar with the basics of Instagram,
which means you're moving on
to advanced Instagram techniques.
Congratulations!
Give yourself one pat on the back.
(woman screams)
Let's now talk about meme accounts,
and how to successfully become one.
And who better to ask than our very own Memelord?
Memelord, how does one become successful meme account?
- Don't.
- Thank you, Memelord.
May your memes give bountiful lols.
Lols. (children laugh)
And now, we move onto Instagram stories, and for that,
we're joined by Academy Award-winning actress Laura Dern.
- Thanks, ta-Dan.
- Drunk Wine Mom, what are you doing here?
- Steve's... (bottle boinks)
Steve's leaving me because I did wiener mace.
I don't care, I don't need him.
- Well, now, do you really mean that,
or are you just saying that to make yourself feel better?
- You're not a therapist, Dan.
I don't even need Steve.
Steve who?
I don't know, I'm fat.
- And that concludes--
- Wiener mace.
- Your Instagram training.
Now, get out there and post. (dramatic music)
Hey, Wine Mom, how much have you had to drink?
- I didn't drink that much.
How do you clean vomit out of a child?
- Bleach!
- Wiener mace.
Instagram is such a place...(laughs)
God.
Take two.
Instagram is such a fun place to get creative.
Just a little too drunk. (giggles)
Instagram is a...(laughs)
Instagram.
This is gonna be a hard day.
- And for that, we're joined by
Academy Award-winning actress, I don't know.
I actually don't know if she won an Academy Award.
And for that, we're joined by Academy Award...(laughs)
Why do I keep wanting to say Academy Award-winning?
Did she win an Academy Award?
Hey Siri, did Laura Dern with an Academy Award?
- [Siri] I'm not sure if Laura Dern won,
but I can help you search for award wins by movie.
- How do you not know that, Siri?
I'm gonna find out if she won an Academy Award.
Oh, she did.
- Dan, how many times to I freakin' have to tell you
I'm over him, I'm freakin' over him, okay?
God, just get it in your head, Dan, I'm over this boy.
I don't care about Aiden,
his stupid almost-six-pack that's going to be there
if he just did like one more crunch.
I don't care anymore about his big floofy hair
that's kinda like Justin Bieber's early 2000s-ish hair,
but you know what, like hotter, because it's Aiden
and everything he does it just perfect,
and his face is perfect and I miss his dog,
and I miss that his mom used to make us
peanut butter and jelly cracker sandwiches,
and I miss that his house has a pool.
I could've been in a pool right now,
but instead my mom just sprays the hose on me
every so often, and says that that's fun
and that's what they used to do back in the day.
Why do old people hate themselves?
Why would you do that to yourself?
- Ah yeah, just another reminder.
Don't be a meme account, yeah?
D'ya hear me?
Through there?
D'ya hear me through that screen?
Da-da, don't do it.
- Whoa, that's a big butt.
Oh, hey, didn't see ya there.
I was busy scrolling through Instagram.
Hope you learned a lot today, it's very educational.
It's important to have good Instagram etiquette.
Otherwise, you'll be exiled from society.
We have other videos that teach you great things, too,
like how to flex, how to go viral.
Or if you wanna just melt your brain with our content,
we have plenty over here.
And if you want some cute clothes to wear
while you're watching our content,
and we have new stuff coming out all the time,
there's stuff down there.
And if you wanna just commit to us wholeheartedly
and not miss the next video,
we got a script-scrubseption jah-box down there.
Sorry, my brain turned into mush
'cause I'm always on Instagram, I'm not sorry.