- A lot of people find it hard to believe,
because I teach on relationships,
and I wanted the love of my life so badly
when I was starting out,
I got cold feet
before moving my relationship to the next level
with my girlfriend, who's now my wife.
And they're like, how could you get cold feet?
I wanna share with you some specific things,
that my wife did back then, that were amazing.
If you're with a guy who's not ready for a relationship,
or he's stuck in fear,
what can you do that puts you in an empowered position
to create what it is that you want?
Today I wanna share with you
exactly some steps that my wife did
that were absolutely brilliant.
Step number one, is you want to claim your peace.
And how you do that
is by recognizing that there are certain things
that are within our control,
and there are certain things
that are outside of our control.
How someone else feels,
what they choose to commit to,
the action they're gonna take,
all of that is outside of our control.
So the more attached we get,
or the more control we try to have
over what somebody else decides,
or chooses to do,
the more anxiety we will feel,
the more suffering we will experience.
Our degree of suffering
is directly related to our degree of trying to control that
which is outside of our control.
So claiming your peace is surrendering to this idea
of the only thing that I can control
are my thoughts, feelings, and actions.
And so you're trusting that
if this relationship is really truly yours,
if this relationship is meant to work out,
that he's gonna meet you in the same place
that you're gonna meet him.
And if he doesn't, then by definition,
it means there's something even better still.
When I got together with my wife,
I wanted love so bad,
I wanted the relationship,
I wanted it so bad,
that I actually jumped in an RV,
and I drove 12,000 miles
interviewing America's greatest marriages,
just to try to figure out how to make love last.
We literally interviewed hundreds of couples,
and wrote a freaking book about it
called "Project Everlasting",
so that I could learn how to make love last,
because I wanted love in my life.
As the universe conspired for my good,
I met my wife, literally, the last stop on the book tour,
and we started dating.
But just because someone wants something really bad
doesn't mean that they're not gonna have their own fears.
Doesn't mean that they're not gonna have their own paradigm.
Anytime our life goes from one level
to a new quantum leap level,
like going from single to married,
or going from, you know,
working from someone else to entrepreneur,
or going from one stage to the next,
that old life has a gravitational pull to it.
That old life is gonna try to raise up the fear,
the doubt, the worry, to try to drag you back.
And so my fear kicked in
as I was dating my wife for two years.
And now it was the time where we're like,
what are we gonna do,
where are we going?
She began to notice that I started to pull back.
My level of readiness got wobbly in that moment,
'cause I had all kinds of fear of like,
man, you're the guy who wrote the book
on what makes love last.
If you make the wrong choice,
and it doesn't last,
then you're gonna be a laughing stock.
You're gonna be so embarrassed.
You're gonna be a fraud.
No one's ever gonna listen to you.
This is what my fear was shouting at me.
And so I started to get wobbly in this moment.
Nevermind I loved her.
Nevermind I wanted to be married.
Nevermind I wanted to create a family.
That fear was really causing me to question,
is this the right one;
how do I create certainty around this;
how can I guarantee it's gonna work out;
all of those things.
I stopped using phrases like "us" and "we".
I stopped making, like, future plans,
and she began to notice this.
So she did a great job of claiming her peace,
by releasing and being unattached to the outcome,
and step two, was claim an empowered mindset.
And what that means is,
so you have the choice to write your own story.
Who are you gonna be?
Are you gonna be the woman who never gets chosen?
Are you gonna be the woman for whom it never works out?
Or are you gonna be the woman who has an amazing love life
regardless of the circumstance?
You're gonna be the woman who it always works out for.
You're gonna be the woman who attracts an incredible man.
This guy, and if he doesn't work out,
then that means there's someone even better still.
You see, if you truly anchor that belief,
meaning you might not believe it now,
but if you repeat that idea
that this is who I am,
then your whole nervous system
begins to organize itself around that belief.
You begin to get more calm.
You begin to get more grounded.
You begin to have faith,
or a deeper believing,
that this universe is conspiring for your good.
And that's what my wife believed.
She was like, look, if Matt's the one, then great,
but if he's not the one,
then there's gonna be someone else amazing,
because I'm the woman who's creating
an incredible love life.
I will be married.
I will have kids.
I will be madly in love with somebody.
So that was step number two.
And for you, instead of chasing,
trying to get him to change,
trying to get him to love you more,
trying to get him to see how amazing you are,
trying to get him to see
that he really does want all of this,
that actually pushes people away.
That's gonna scare him away.
Then you're in convincing energy,
instead of just inviting energy.
What's really attractive is that state of certainty.
And certainty doesn't come from
some sort of external knowledge,
certainty comes from within,
this belief in something bigger than yourself,
that it will work out for you.
And so embodying these two ideas of claiming her peace,
claiming her empowered mindset,
she asked me for a conversation.
She was like, look, I really need to talk to you.
And this is where you claim the relationship that you want.
And the relationship you want
might not be what he's ready for,
but you gotta make that okay.
Step number three, is claim the relationship you want
by having this direct conversation with your man
about what he wants.
And Irene did this in such a beautiful way.
It was vivid memory for me where she came over,
I'm in this little apartment,
and she comes over, and she sits down, and she says to me,
look, I love you. I want to be with you.
And I notice that you're pulling away.
You're not using words like "us" and "we".
You're not planning the future with us.
Like I've seen and felt you pull away,
and I want to know what you want.
And in that moment I was honest with her,
and I said, you know, I'm filled with fear right now.
I want this to work out, but what if it doesn't?
And I just, I'm confused.
I don't know what I want.
And she goes, okay.
And she was so grounded, so peaceful.
Like I was ready for her to kind of freak out, get angry,
or get sad, and cry.
Like I didn't know what she was gonna do,
but I didn't expect her to do what she did,
which was to stay centered and calm.
And she said this, she goes, you know what?
I'm creating an amazing relationship.
I'm creating something spectacular with someone.
I'm gonna create an amazing relationship,
and a beautiful family,
and I would love it to be with you, Matt,
but if it's not with you, I will create it with somebody.
And so you've got three days to figure it out.
And then she left.
Number one, I'm not necessarily giving advice to say
always give your man an ultimatum,
but she knew that's what I needed.
I had been with her two years at that point.
I didn't need more time, I needed more depth.
And sometimes it's that fear of loss,
that fear of like, okay, this woman's gonna leave me forever
that causes someone to go deep.
So I went deep in that moment
to really discover what is it that I want?
And while I have the fear that it might not work out,
and that if it doesn't, then I'll be shame, embarrassed,
and all of those fears,
I had to put that aside, and say, you know what?
The only thing that's guaranteed
is if I quit on this, it will never happen.
That's the only thing that's guaranteed.
There's no guarantees in life,
but I do know this is what I want, so I'm going for it.
So three days later,
we got back together and had a conversation,
and I said, I'm in.
She said, I'm not asking you to propose to me right now,
but if you're in,
let's explore this with the intention
that it could be something great.
And I said, I'm in for that.
And then 90 days later,
I'm on my knee proposing,
saying, you're the one for me.
Let's do this.
That was 12 years ago,
and it was the best decision I've ever made in my life.
And today we have an incredible marriage.
We got three adorable little kids,
and we get to go on vacation,
have beautiful romance,
have beautiful adventures together,
but it would've never happened
had she not shown up
as the partner that I needed her to be in this moment.
And what was required is step number four,
is she was willing to walk away.
She was willing to walk away.
You can't create readiness in your man.
He has to create the readiness.
He has to claim it, decide for it, and own it.
You claim your peace by being unattached.
You claim your empowered mindset
by putting a frame around a story of who you are.
You are the woman who creates love in your life.
You claim the relationship by being direct,
and having this conversation with your man,
and you're willing to walk away.
If he chooses out,
you're willing to walk away,
because you believe your story
that there's someone even better still.
Do not chase 'cause that will only chase him away.
Instead, own, own how amazing you are.
Own your own incredible love life and watch it come to you.
If you would love to go deeper in this kind of work,
in this kind of mindset,
to create the relationship that you would love.
If you would love support and coaching
to be a part of a community of women
who are manifesting love,
then I invite you to click the link below.
We have an incredible program called, "Manifest Your Man",
where you will learn the exact formula,
from start to finish,
for how to create the amazing relationship
that you would love.
Go ahead and click that link.
It would be a privilege to be able to work with you,
be in your corner,
and help you create the relationship you've always wanted.
Thanks so much for watching,
and I'll see you soon.
(upbeat music)