- I was a little late to the show tonight.
I got caught up on Black Twitter.
(laughter)
If you don't know,
Black Twitter is a part of Twitter
where black people get together
and make rules. (laughter)
That's where our rules are posted.
Lot of people don't know.
A lot of rules.
One of the latest rules is they want us to boycott H&M.
Did you hear about this?
They want us to boycott H&M
'cause they put a little black boy in a hoodie
that said "monkey" on it.
Now they want us to boycott H&M.
Boycott H&M, this shirt.
H&M. (laughter)
My pants, I got to buy them long.
I'm mostly legs. (laughter)
H&M.
The socks that I'm wearing right now.
I don't know fucking know. (laughter)
I'm not really sure but probably H&M.
I can't boycott H&M, come on.
I can't boycott,
I've been stealing from them for years.
(laughter)
For years.
And I don't want y'all thinking that I steal.
I just been exclusively stealing from H&M.
(laughter)
Just on principle.
I didn't used to have a good reason.
It just felt right. (laughter)
Got so bad I even made up my own jingle
whenever I'd walk into an H&M.
♪ Ooh, if it doesn't have a tag ♪
♪ Then it goes in my bag ♪
(laughter)
Why aren't you labeling these necklaces?
(laughter)
Starting to feel like a dare. (laughter)
Feeling real fancy tonight.
I don't want to brag but I took a Uber Black here.
Okay. (laughter)
So you know I did not pay for that shit.
(laughter)
Not me.
Ladies, little life hack from me to you.
If a man hands you his phone
and offers to call you an Uber,
treat yourself. (laughter)
Treat yourself.
We've been walking for a while don't you think?
(laughter)
I live in Brooklyn here in New York City.
I take the train or the bus mostly.
But every single time I get into an Uber
I'm always like how does this driver not know
that he's my boyfriend?
(laughter)
You picking me up from my house.
Now you taking me to my comedy show,
you just asked me how my day is going.
(laughter)
You care about me. (laughter)
Come on, come on now.
Don't front like we don't go together.
Kevin. (laughter)
Come pick me up after the show.
You bring snacks. (laughter)
I don't want to sound arrogant
and I know this is a very arrogant thing to say,
but kids love me. (laughter)
Ask any baby I ever met. (laughter)
Track down any baby I ever met.
Show them a picture of me.
Every single baby will be like
"I remember her, she was great."
(laughter)
Solid lady.
It took a while, I'm 31, it took a while.
I was like "Why do kids go so crazy when they see me?"
I realized that babies like me
because babies think that I'm just
a sneaky ass baby. (laughter)
That's all that is.
It could be a stranger's kid screaming, crying.
I walk into a room,
a baby's like (mimics crying) "Ooh!"
(laughter)
"Look at you.
"Walking around here all unassisted."
(laughter)
"You a naughty baby." (laughter)
"I didn't know they made babies like you."
(laughter)
That's right, I got a secret baby army just a-brewing.
Gonna save us all.
I'm the oldest in my family.
I'm the oldest which is why I'm independently broke.
What's your excuse? (laughter)
I remember the day my mom told me
she's was gonna have another kid.
She walked up to me, she rubbed her belly.
She said "What do you want me to have?"
I said "Holy shit, I don't know this how this works.
"Wow.
"I'll take a little sister, please.
"Be good to have a extra set of little hands.
"Help me with some of these barrettes."
(laughter)
Couple months later she was like
"I had a boy.
"Here's your baby brother."
And I was like "You know, you're
"a (bleep) bitch." (laughter)
"You (bleep) lied to me." (laughter)
I'm six, -- I can't trust my own mom.
Been telling all the kids on the playground,
I got a sister just cooking up.
You guys wait. (laughter)
Came home, this kid with a penis.
(laughter)
Not what I asked for.
And me and my little brother,
we didn't get along at first.
We did not get along
until two very important things happened in our life.
The first was that
"Crash Bandicoot" came out on Playstation.
So we could work out our strengths and weaknesses.
You take the levels, I'll take the bosses.
The second was that we saw that episode
of "Unsolved Mysteries"
where they talked about the chupacabra.
(laughter)
And after that,
we were a (bleep) team. (laughter)
United in the defense against a chupacabra.
We were running around the house,
taping up the windows together.
(laughter)
We starting playing legos
then just shoving them the fireplace
trying to clog up that chimney.
(laughter)
I was like "It's you and me, kid.
"These adults are not taking the shit seriously."
(laughter)
"We got to seal these exits."
I didn't meet my dad 'til I was 18.
I took a paternity test,
they swabbed my cheek.
I got a letter in the mail couple weeks later.
It said "Hey,
"it's that nigga." (laughter)
"That's the one."
And it was awkward trying to get to know my dad at 18.
It was weird.
We had these weird interactions at first.
He'd be like "Chanel, I'm gonna cook steak for dinner.
"Do you eat?" (laughter)
"Steak?"
And I was like "Well, I have been an orphan.
"I'm starving." (laughter)
"I'll eat whatever you cook.
"Just please don't give me a bill."
But then he felt really obligated to become my dad.
He worried about me out in the world.
He had this brand new 18-year-old daughter.
He would just call me and start asking random questions.
"Chanel,
"do you know about
credit card limits?" (laughter)
"Has anyone ever taught you about the birds and the bees?
"Are you,
"are you sexually active?"
I was like "Am I sexually active?
"You're asking me if I'm sexually active?
"I've, you know, I
"I haven't had a dad." (laughter)
"I been (bleep)." (laughter)
Not for nothing, nobody told me not to.
You merely adopted R&B music.
I was born into it. (laughter)
Molded by it.
That's real silly. (laughter)
That's a real silly thing that I say.
Sometimes when I go to tell jokes
I got to write my name on a list.
It would blow your mind how often people look at my name
and instead of calling me Chanel,
they call me Channel. (laughter)
To my (bleep) face. (laughter)
People just say that.
I'm always like no, it's Chanel.
It's spelled just like the perfume.
Or the purse, or multiple people.
(laughter)
Throughout history.
And the free world.
When have you
ever met a Channel? (laughter)
I don't think that's a thing.
And if you really thought my first name was actually Channel
then why aren't you a little more excited to meet me?
(laughter)
'Cause I've clearly overcome a lot of adversity.
You guys have been dope.
I am Chanel Ali, thank you so much.
(cheering)